Divorceworkshop Blog
Has the Stigma of Divorce Really Changed Since the 1970s?
Studies have said more than half or those divorcing believes there is stigma to getting a divorce. We feel this way because our beliefs and standards were put there by others not by ourselves. Think of it this way: we are raised by society to be winners, study, get a good job, good partner and become good moms and dads. When we get a divorce that means our life just exploded and we are viewed differently and we do not feel like we are winners anymore.
No Legal Right, But a Human Right: Grieving the Death of an Ex-Family Member
Navigating the unspoken, complicated loss of ex-in-laws and post-divorce ties.
When a marriage ends, the public and the couple's conversation centers almost entirely on the tangible things. We talk endlessly about the legalities, the finances, and the restructuring of schedules for the children. But we rarely talk about the invisible threads, those things you cannot see as clearly. One such change is the way your family by law changes when you divorce, leaving a lingering, quiet sense of difference even if you try or want to stay close.
The Medusa Moment: Why People-Pleasers Experience Sudden Explosive Rage
How appeasing became our family heirloom, and why stopping the cycle is the greatest gift we can give our daughters.
For a long time, I thought appeasing people was just part of who I was—a mix of kindness, empathy, or simply a desire to keep the peace. It took decades for me to start figuring myself out, and lately, watching my own daughters' behaviors, to realize the truth: appeasement isn't a personality trait. It’s an inherited survival mechanism.
6 Ways Uncontrolled Emotions Can Cost You in Your Divorce
Divorce is a journey filled with peaks and valleys, twists and turns, and emotions that often run high. As I reflect on my own divorce journey, vivid memories flood my mind, moments brimming with intense feelings that seemed to overwhelm every aspect of my life.
One particular memory stands out. About a month after we separated, I received a phone call from my ex. Words were exchanged, and in a moment of sheer frustration and anger, I found myself screaming into the phone like a wild animal. I had suppressed years of emotions, and it all erupted to the surface at once.
Unfortunately, instead of a resolution, my outburst only fueled further conflict.
A New Framework for Finding the Deeper Meaning of Relationships: 3P's
Purpose, Projection, Permanence
This really happened a few weeks ago on my morning walk. After the brilliant idea burst out of my unconscious, I laughed at an obvious hidden motivation behind my obsession with this daily ritual. I now was a living example of how moving your body (the feminine) in partnership with the mind (the masculine) invites innovative ideas to take shape as they burst into consciousness.
I was contemplating how to begin a depth psychology coaching session with a couple. There had been an unusually dramatic conflict the week before. Like a volcanic eruption, something hot and fiery had been unleashed and days later the space between the couple was still filled with simmering lava. They both felt confused, hurt, and unsure about what it all meant, but they had enough awareness to know they didn’t have the proper tools to explore the deeper meaning of the conflict. Good for them!
Why It Only Feels Good 10% of the Time: The Truth About Toxic Relationships
Have you ever found yourself clinging to the few good moments in your relationship, the smiles, the intimacy, the laughter, while ignoring the long stretches of silence, tension, or emotional pain?
You’re not alone. Many people in emotionally abusive or toxic relationships describe their experience as “walking on eggshells,” unsure what mood they’ll come home to, constantly trying to avoid setting off a reaction.
And yet... they stay. Like I did.
Why? Because when it’s good, it’s really good. It’s the 10% that feels like sunshine after a storm. The make-up sex. The flowers. The apology. The “I miss you.” The vacation photo where you both look happy. It’s that sliver of time that keeps hope alive.
But what about the other 90%?
Information Mimics Safety: The Trap of Trying to 'Figure the Narcissist Out’
It took me a long time to figure out who I was married to and even longer on why I was obsessed with researching it.
Interestingly, towards the end of the marriage I knew something was not right with him because I bought the book Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age by Dr. George Simon. This book is about how society faces a rise in people who lack accountability, manipulate others, and exploit social rules without guilt, and a widespread lack of character. I placed it on the kitchen island, assuming he would look at the cover. He saw it, and he just kind of laughed.
To this day, I am not entirely sure why I did that. It was as if I could somehow ‘teach’ him that something was wrong, I had been trying to teach him for years and I was hoping a final lightbulb would finally go off with him. He picked it up and said is this for me and slightly laughed it off and put it back down on the table.
They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying “Kids Are Resilient” After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth
I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried.
As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realize how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I appeared to be fine. Inside, I was surviving.
How Self-Compassion Saved Me After My 19-Year Marriage Ended
When I made the challenging decision to end my marriage, a whirlwind of emotions consumed me. As a child of divorce, I had always been determined to avoid the same fate, but despite my earnest efforts, my marriage had reached a breaking point. Coincidentally, this pivotal moment coincided with my pursuit of a thanatology degree, where I was delved into the profound significance of self-compassion.
Why Confidence Often Drops After Divorce, Even When You Wanted It
I remember lying in bed a year and a half before my divorce, thinking, I can’t even get a part-time job at the local variety store. I was once well educated, with a degree and a post-grad diploma, yet I felt completely worthless. My confidence had been eroded for years and years, and I did not even realize it.
Many factors influence confidence after divorce, but what’s interesting is how rarely we talk about this side of it. The divorce world often highlights freedom, fresh starts, and empowerment. And while those things can be true, there’s another side that doesn’t get enough space: the quiet collapse of confidence that so many people experience, even when they were the ones who initiated the divorce.
Why Forgiving Your Ex Feels Impossible (And What to Do About It)
Divorce is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a person can go through. It can leave you feeling betrayed, angry, hurt, and completely overwhelmed. In the aftermath, the idea of forgiving your ex might seem unimaginable—even offensive. But why does forgiveness feel so out of reach?
We’re often told that forgiveness is a virtue, something we should strive for. But when you're reeling from heartbreak, your brain doesn’t simply allow you to "forgive and move on." Instead, it activates natural defensive mechanisms to keep you from being vulnerable again. Your mind reacts with a wave of self-protective emotions—blame, resentment, and anger. These feelings, though painful, serve as emotional armor designed to shield you from further hurt.
Understanding DARVO: How Manipulators Shift Blame in Toxic Relationships
For over 19 years, I endured a relationship filled with manipulation and emotional turmoil. At the time, I couldn’t fully grasp what was happening—the subtle, persistent tactics left me questioning my reality and constantly doubting myself. Only much later after I separated, did I discover DARVO, a tactic used by many highconflict personalities and emotional abusers, and things started to make sense. Suppose I had known about DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) earlier. In that case, I might have recognized the signs and understood how this tactic impacted my sense of self and experiences.
Understanding DARVO has helped me—and my clients and I hope it can help you—see through the confusion created by these toxic dynamics and take steps toward a healthier, more empowered life.
What is DARVO and Where Did It Originate?
Exhausted by Peacekeeping? Breaking the Cycle of Chronic People Pleasing
The Hook: The 911 Call to the Tribe
I remember sitting in my youngest daughter’s room, hunched over her small desk. It was the only place in the house I felt safe to speak; my ex-mother-in-law lived in the basement, and I lived in constant fear of her hearing my conversations.
This was about two months before I finally left. My phone was trembling in my hand as I dialed my older sister’s number. My heart wasn't just racing; it was hammering against my ribs like I was running for my life.
I didn't call her for legal advice. I didn't call her for a shoulder to cry on. I called her to ask a question that reveals the terrifying core of the fawn response:
"Would you be embarrassed if I got a divorce?"
Why You Can’t "Just Leave": The Biology of LifeTheft™ and Learned Helplessness
Leaving a toxic marriage isn't a matter of willpower; it’s a matter of nervous system regulation. This post explores how "Learned Helplessness" and childhood LifeTheft™ create a state of paralysis, and why your first four attempts to leave were actually necessary "stress tests" for your eventual freedom.
We often hear the question, "Why didn't she just leave?"
Why Mother’s Day Hits Like a Punch: Surviving Social Comparison and Divorce
Every year, as Mother’s Day approaches, a specific kind of heaviness sets in. It’s not just a passing sadness; it’s a weight that many of us carry silently in our chests. If you find yourself feeling more anxious than celebratory, there is a biological reason for it.
It’s rooted in a concept called Social Comparison. I vaguely remember sitting in a lecture hall back in the 90s, scribbling notes about psychology and the way humans evaluate themselves against the "herd." Back then, it was just a sterile theory on a chalkboard. I had no idea that decades later, this academic concept would move out of the textbook and into my driveway, manifesting as a physical ache.
Divorce Rituals: Finding Healing and Meaning After Separation
As a thanatologist, someone who studies and supports people through death, losses, and bereavement, I’ve long seen how ritual brings meaning and stability to the human experience. Over the years, I’ve also come to see how much these same principles apply to divorce.
Recently, I spoke with Megan Sheldon, founder of Be Ceremonial, we talked about The Ceremony of Separation on the Just Separated Podcast about the power of ritual in divorce, how it helps us mark endings, reclaim agency, and invite new beginnings. Her work inspired me to look more deeply at how my clients, often unknowingly, create their own healing rituals during divorce.
In both death and divorce, there’s an ending, a loss of identity, and a search for meaning. Yet while we have rituals and ceremonies to honour death, divorce is often left unacknowledged, even though it, too, marks a profound shift in who we are and how we live.
Why Do I Still Yearn for My Ex After Divorce?
I recall the first few months following our separation. A profound sense of relief, anxiety, and grief washed over me as I finally broke free from this nearly 2-decade grueling marriage. Yet, with this newfound freedom, there was at times, a lingering urge to chat with him, and at times it persisted. I would, over the years, turn to him in moments of great stress. About four months after our separation, I encountered a scam phone call that left me shaken. This incident remains clear in my memory: a fraudulent call from the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA), threatening legal repercussions about my taxes. They got me worked up and scared as I was never involved with taxes. I got off the phone, and in a moment of panic, I instinctively reached for the phone and called him. However, the harsh reality soon dawned on me—he was no longer that person. It was an instinctual thing that I had done for many years regardless of the type of support I got back. Despite enduring 19 tumultuous years together, the dissolution of our marriage left me unsettled. What I did not know back then that I do know is I was losing my secure base and safe haven, even if it was not that strong of one.
I am not supported in my Divorce - WHY NOT?
While studying for my Thanatology degree, I was also preparing for my divorce. At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the depth of grief that would come with it. Despite having been detaching emotionally for a while, the reality of my grief didn’t hit me until I reflected on my own divorce story, often during long, emotional walks with my dog, tears streaming down my cheeks. These walks became my sanctuary, a time to process and understand the heavy emotions I was carrying.
Designed to Fail: How the Family Court System Silences Grieving Mothers
A Legacy of Quiet Rage
When I was growing up, my mother spent years going in and out of family court with my father, who was high-conflict. There were affidavits, court orders, motions and a trial, but never once did anyone ask how it felt when my mother didn’t speak to her daughter for more than a decade. Or how much it costs financially or the mental and emotional toll it took on my mother. No judge questioned what that estrangement meant to us. No professional named it for what it was: a profound loss.
Divorce, Grief, and the Overthinking Loop: How to Calm Your Brain After 'Life Theft’
Have you ever caught yourself replaying the same conversation with your ex, or reliving the moment you got the call that someone you love was gone?
For years after my mother's sudden death, I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. I’d go over it again and again. If you’re grieving a divorce, it might be the moment your ex said, “I want a divorce,” or the moment you said it. You analyze what went wrong, revisiting every scene like a movie stuck on repeat.