Divorceworkshop Blog
The Truth About Divorce Anger: Why Common Coping Strategies Backfire
Divorce anger is tough—it fuels battles over money, custody, and communication, often driven by fear, grief, and frustration. When you feel powerless over the situation, anger can take over, making it harder to move forward.
So, what do most of us do? We vent to friends and family, hoping to "get it off our chest," or we throw ourselves into intense workouts, believing we can sweat out the rage. But research suggests these common coping strategies might not actually help—and could even make anger worse.
The Warnings I Ignored: My Grandmothers Told Me Not to Marry Him
I still remember the moment both of my grandmothers warned me about my fiancé. One grandmother told me, “Karen, this is not a good idea.” The other grandmother, through my mother, expressed that she was not happy and did not approve of the engagement. They weren't yelling or making a scene, but both knew something was off. Deep down, they sensed that he wasn’t the right one for me. We had broken up twice before, so I knew there were issues, but I convinced myself they were wrong.
I was very close to my grandmothers and trusted their wisdom. But when it came to my relationship, I thought I knew better, and I was incredibly naïve. Maybe it was my stubbornness, or maybe he did a good job pretending. Either way, I ignored the small voice inside me whispering that something wasn’t right.
Reimagining Support for Men in Divorce: An Integrated Approach for Professional and Personal Guidance
Divorce can feel chaotic, an emotional whirlwind filled with challenges that can overwhelm even the strongest individuals. For men, the journey is often tougher due to societal expectations that encourage them to appear stoic. It is crucial to have a support system that goes beyond just legal advice to help navigate this complex transition.
Imagine combining essential legal services with a range of supportive resources tailored for men. This integrated approach can facilitate a smoother recovery, enabling men to focus not only on legal matters but also on their emotional well-being.
Grieving an Ex-Spouse: Understanding the Unspoken Loss
Have you ever paused to consider how you might react when news arrives of your ex-partner's death? It's a question that might not have crossed your mind, but it's one that can carry profound emotions. For some, the idea of an ex’s death might bring relief—perhaps even a sense of longing for closure. For others, it can stir up unexpected sadness.. And for most of us, we often find ourselves somewhere in the middle—confused about our grief and seeking ways to help our children navigate this complex terrain.
This type of grief, experienced by the divorced party, can be messy and complicated. Some may feel intense emotions, while others experience gentler, yet perplexing feelings.
Moving Day & Recovery: The Overlooked Challenge of Divorce
No one prepares you for how emotionally draining moving out after divorce can be. It’s not just about packing—it’s about untangling your life, one box at a time.
I moved out of our home nearly seven years ago. I never realized how much work it would be to split things up, pack, and move—with two children, a dog, and a cat. No one talks about this part of divorce—how physically and emotionally exhausting moving can be. The stress, the grief, the sheer logistics of it all—it was overwhelming. And yet, in the midst of it, I also felt relief.
Breaking the Silence: Understanding Divorce in South Asian Culture
The weight of cultural expectations can make divorce feel like a mountain too steep to climb in South Asian communities. As someone who has worked closely with individuals navigating this journey, I’ve seen how cultural stigma adds layers of complexity to an already challenging process. Today, let’s have an honest conversation about divorce in South Asian culture and explore paths toward healing, empowerment, and reclaiming your life.
How People-Pleasing Impacts Your Divorce: Breaking Free from the Cycle
I’ve always been a people-pleaser, and even now, I still struggle with it. Looking back on my marriage, I realize how much it wore me down. I became burnt out, resentful, and just wanted out of the toxic and abusive relationship.
Interestingly, my people-pleasing didn’t stop after I left. During the long, drawn-out separation and divorce, I kept falling into the same patterns—saying "yes" when I wanted to say "no." Learning to say no was challenging. Many of you might relate to this experience.
Even after my marriage ended, I found myself helping him move out—cleaning, organizing, and still walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation. One moment stands out: a few months post-separation, he asked me to buy chocolates for his mother’s birthday since he wouldn’t be available. Despite the years of mistreatment from both him and his mother, I agreed. Afterward, I was furious with myself. That was the turning point when I realized something had to change.
Finding Joy After Divorce: When You Feel Like the Fifth Wheel
There's a moment after separation that no one really talks about. It's not the big moments - signing papers or moving out. It's the quiet ones, like standing on a deck at a family gathering, hearing your wedding song drift through the air, and feeling your heart crack just a little bit more.
I know this moment intimately. I lived it.
The Deck That Changed Everything
Have you ever felt like you no longer fit in after your separation? I remember the exact moment that feeling hit me. It was during my first trip up north to visit my sisters and their families after my marriage ended. I had been to this annual gathering many times before—often without my ex—but this time, everything felt different. I wasn't just attending alone; I felt alone, like a puzzle piece from a different box.
Do High Conflict personalities love their children?
Growing up, I often found myself asking a question no child should ever have to wonder: Does my father truly love me? His unpredictable nature and hurtful actions left me doubting, while my mother’s steady love became my anchor in an otherwise turbulent world.
As an adult, I unknowingly repeated the cycle, marrying someone who shared traits with my father. We had children together, and over time, I began to notice troubling patterns in my ex-husband’s behavior. The same haunting question returned: Does he genuinely love our kids?
After our separation, his behavior became even more erratic and concerning. Friends would ask me, “How can a father treat his children this way?” Some even said, “Karen, maybe he doesn’t love them.” Deep down, I had to face a painful truth: I’m not sure he does.
How to Build a Strong Divorce Support System: 4 Essential Pillars
Divorce is one of the most challenging transitions a person can face, often upending every aspect of life. As someone who has spent years studying and working in the field of thanatology—the science of death, dying, and grief—I’ve seen firsthand how vital a solid support system is during times of profound change. Divorce is the death of a relationship that is often complex and messy and requires tools and strategies to help navigate the emotional, logistical, and practical challenges it brings.
Why 'Knowing Who You’re Divorcing' Could Transform Your Divorce
Divorce is more than a legal process; it’s an emotional, personal, and often overwhelming journey. Emotions run high, coping systems are maxed out, and the stress of navigating an uncertain future can feel relentless. During this turmoil, one of the most powerful tools to manage this storm is clarity—understanding not just who you’re divorcing, but also who you are. This insight can guide your decisions and help you move forward with greater confidence.
Feeling Overwhelmed by Divorce? Here's Why Pausing Can Change Everything
Whether you’re the one initiating the divorce or still deciding, the urge to act quickly can be overwhelming. However, the best first step is often to resist that impulse. Taking a moment to "sit still" provides both you and your ex with the space to emotionally settle and think more clearly. This pause doesn’t mean waiting months—it’s simply about creating a brief period of reflection before rushing into decisions you might later regret.
In my case, I deeply wish I had taken this pause. Instead, I reacted out of fear and haste, without fully understanding the dynamics of my marriage or my ex's behavior. Many of us in difficult or abusive relationships may not even realize the extent of the toxicity or who we’re dealing with until it’s too late. Had I been able to gain more insight into who I was divorcing or had more guidance, my approach to the divorce would have been much more strategic and I would have been better equipped to handle who I was divorcing.
Note: It’s important to recognize that in cases of domestic violence or extreme toxicity, there is often no option to pause. For those in such situations, immediate safety must come first, and acting quickly is necessary. In these instances, seeking help from a legal professional or support organization is critical, and a pause may not be possible.
Why So Many Divorces Happen After the Holidays—Including Mine
At the time, I didn’t fully understand why we often hold on through the holidays, even when a relationship is falling apart. Reflecting on my own experience, I stayed for my children. I wanted to give them one last holiday as a family, even though the tension in the air was undeniable.
Many people face the same pressure: the desire to maintain the appearance of a happy family, the hope for a holiday miracle, or simply the wish to avoid adding more pain to an already emotional season.
I’ve since learned this is a common experience. Countless men and women have shared stories of waiting until after the holidays to finally say, “I’m done.” The holiday season, while joyous for some, often magnifies dissatisfaction and exposes the cracks in a marriage, making them impossible to ignore.
Holiday Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Balancing Front Stage and Backstage Roles
The holiday season is here—a time of joy, reflection, and, for many, emotional challenges. If you're navigating co-parenting during a divorce, this time of year can amplify both the good and the hard. It’s a season filled with festive events, family gatherings, and traditions—but also with moments that might feel bittersweet or even overwhelming.
Have you ever had to put on a brave face and play nice with your ex in public? It can feel like starring in a soap opera or winning an Oscar—minus the fame or fortune. However, that’s exactly what co-parenting often is: a balancing act of emotions where you have to keep your cool for your children’s sake.
Understanding DARVO: How Manipulators Shift Blame in Toxic Relationships
For over 19 years, I endured a relationship filled with manipulation and emotional turmoil. At the time, I couldn’t fully grasp what was happening—the subtle, persistent tactics left me questioning my reality and constantly doubting myself. Only much later after I separated, did I discover DARVO, a tactic used by many highconflict personalities and emotional abusers, and things started to make sense. Suppose I had known about DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) earlier. In that case, I might have recognized the signs and understood how this tactic impacted my sense of self and experiences.
Understanding DARVO has helped me—and my clients and I hope it can help you—see through the confusion created by these toxic dynamics and take steps toward a healthier, more empowered life.
What is DARVO and Where Did It Originate?
Feeling Lost in Divorce? The Just Separated Workbook is Your Guide
What if navigating the turbulent waters of divorce didn’t have to feel so isolating and confusing? Over three years ago, Divorce Workshop was born from a candid conversation in a backyard, where we shared our personal experiences grappling with the overwhelming emotions of separation. Like many, we faced confusion and regret over the many mistakes we made before, during, and after our divorces.
Divorce and Early Death: What You Need to Know
As a thanatologist, my work delves into the intricate and often delicate realm of mortality and its various facets. Recently, I came across a study that piqued my interest—a study shedding light on an unexpected connection between divorce and early mortality rates. It's widely acknowledged that divorce ranks as the second most stressful life event, following closely behind the loss of a loved one. This means that the emotional toll it exacts is profound and significant, to the point that it can even impact one's longevity. The statistics are eye-opening: For every 100,000 people, approximately 1,363 divorcees experience early mortality, compared to just 779 among those who remain in a married union. This revelation prompts us to delve deeper into the ways divorce might influence our long-term health.
How Coparents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children
When my parents got divorced, I was just a baby and had no idea what it felt like to have two parents together. Children at any age grieve the loss of their family.”
What is Grief?
In very simple terms, grief is a reaction to loss. When we think of grief, we often think of a death loss, but grief is much broader than most think, and it can be felt for various reasons. Children are not immune to feeling these emotions. Many parents who go through a breakup or divorce may not even recognize that their children may also be grieving.
One aspect of the experience that not many separating or divorcing couples understand is that children do grieve this loss. It changes their whole life. Children can have similar reactions to how the parents may feel about the separation or divorce.
Children’s reactions and feelings can be more acute in the case of high-conflict separations or divorces. The day before transferring the child to the other parent’s house can be fraught with tense feelings. These are sensed by the child, who may wonder whether their parents may fight openly at the transfer or what will happen. That was my experience as a child.
Finding Clarity: My Journey to Ending a Marriage.
Choosing to end a marriage is never an easy decision; it often lingers beneath the surface for years before becoming impossible to ignore. For many, the path toward divorce is a subtle process of emotional detachment. It’s like watching a thread slowly unwind from a spool—quiet and steady. Over time, you find yourself drifting apart, and the bond that once held you together begins to fray. The shared dreams and hopes that once united you gradually fade into distant memories.
As you navigate the complexities of marriage, a growing unease often starts to creep in—a whisper that something fundamental has shifted. You may start to question whether the relationship is still fulfilling, or if you’re staying out of obligation, fear, or uncertainty. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and often signal deeper issues that need addressing. Divorce is not something we plan for when we marry, but sometimes it becomes necessary for our well-being, especially if there are forms of abuse, neglect, or a deep disconnection that have taken root in the relationship.
Transactional Coparenting: A Practical Path Forward
The complexities of coparenting necessitate a range of styles which means that coparenting dynamics are as varied as the parents themselves. While each circumstance is unique, a few common strategies emerge. These strategies hinge on an essential characteristic of coparenting - the level of cooperation parents can effectively manage. These strategies significantly impact how people who are parenting from separate homes interact and function.
This article explores one such approach: transactional coparenting. This method prioritizes practicality and logistics over connection and mutual support. An understanding of the characteristics of transactional coparenting can help equip coparents with tools to establish a functional routine and effective relationship amidst the disruption of separation.