Divorceworkshop Blog
Why Forgiving Your Ex Feels Impossible (And What to Do About It)
Divorce is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a person can go through. It can leave you feeling betrayed, angry, hurt, and completely overwhelmed. In the aftermath, the idea of forgiving your ex might seem unimaginable—even offensive. But why does forgiveness feel so out of reach?
We’re often told that forgiveness is a virtue, something we should strive for. But when you're reeling from heartbreak, your brain doesn’t simply allow you to "forgive and move on." Instead, it activates natural defensive mechanisms to keep you from being vulnerable again. Your mind reacts with a wave of self-protective emotions—blame, resentment, and anger. These feelings, though painful, serve as emotional armor designed to shield you from further hurt.
Understanding DARVO: How Manipulators Shift Blame in Toxic Relationships
For over 19 years, I endured a relationship filled with manipulation and emotional turmoil. At the time, I couldn’t fully grasp what was happening—the subtle, persistent tactics left me questioning my reality and constantly doubting myself. Only much later after I separated, did I discover DARVO, a tactic used by many highconflict personalities and emotional abusers, and things started to make sense. Suppose I had known about DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) earlier. In that case, I might have recognized the signs and understood how this tactic impacted my sense of self and experiences.
Understanding DARVO has helped me—and my clients and I hope it can help you—see through the confusion created by these toxic dynamics and take steps toward a healthier, more empowered life.
What is DARVO and Where Did It Originate?
Exhausted by Peacekeeping? Breaking the Cycle of Chronic People Pleasing
The Hook: The 911 Call to the Tribe
I remember sitting in my youngest daughter’s room, hunched over her small desk. It was the only place in the house I felt safe to speak; my ex-mother-in-law lived in the basement, and I lived in constant fear of her hearing my conversations.
This was about two months before I finally left. My phone was trembling in my hand as I dialed my older sister’s number. My heart wasn't just racing; it was hammering against my ribs like I was running for my life.
I didn't call her for legal advice. I didn't call her for a shoulder to cry on. I called her to ask a question that reveals the terrifying core of the fawn response:
"Would you be embarrassed if I got a divorce?"
Why You Can’t "Just Leave": The Biology of LifeTheft™ and Learned Helplessness
Leaving a toxic marriage isn't a matter of willpower; it’s a matter of nervous system regulation. This post explores how "Learned Helplessness" and childhood LifeTheft™ create a state of paralysis, and why your first four attempts to leave were actually necessary "stress tests" for your eventual freedom.
We often hear the question, "Why didn't she just leave?"
Why Mother’s Day Hits Like a Punch: Surviving Social Comparison and Divorce
Every year, as Mother’s Day approaches, a specific kind of heaviness sets in. It’s not just a passing sadness; it’s a weight that many of us carry silently in our chests. If you find yourself feeling more anxious than celebratory, there is a biological reason for it.
It’s rooted in a concept called Social Comparison. I vaguely remember sitting in a lecture hall back in the 90s, scribbling notes about psychology and the way humans evaluate themselves against the "herd." Back then, it was just a sterile theory on a chalkboard. I had no idea that decades later, this academic concept would move out of the textbook and into my driveway, manifesting as a physical ache.
Divorce Rituals: Finding Healing and Meaning After Separation
As a thanatologist, someone who studies and supports people through death, losses, and bereavement, I’ve long seen how ritual brings meaning and stability to the human experience. Over the years, I’ve also come to see how much these same principles apply to divorce.
Recently, I spoke with Megan Sheldon, founder of Be Ceremonial, we talked about The Ceremony of Separation on the Just Separated Podcast about the power of ritual in divorce, how it helps us mark endings, reclaim agency, and invite new beginnings. Her work inspired me to look more deeply at how my clients, often unknowingly, create their own healing rituals during divorce.
In both death and divorce, there’s an ending, a loss of identity, and a search for meaning. Yet while we have rituals and ceremonies to honour death, divorce is often left unacknowledged, even though it, too, marks a profound shift in who we are and how we live.
Why Do I Still Yearn for My Ex After Divorce?
I recall the first few months following our separation. A profound sense of relief, anxiety, and grief washed over me as I finally broke free from this nearly 2-decade grueling marriage. Yet, with this newfound freedom, there was at times, a lingering urge to chat with him, and at times it persisted. I would, over the years, turn to him in moments of great stress. About four months after our separation, I encountered a scam phone call that left me shaken. This incident remains clear in my memory: a fraudulent call from the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA), threatening legal repercussions about my taxes. They got me worked up and scared as I was never involved with taxes. I got off the phone, and in a moment of panic, I instinctively reached for the phone and called him. However, the harsh reality soon dawned on me—he was no longer that person. It was an instinctual thing that I had done for many years regardless of the type of support I got back. Despite enduring 19 tumultuous years together, the dissolution of our marriage left me unsettled. What I did not know back then that I do know is I was losing my secure base and safe haven, even if it was not that strong of one.
I am not supported in my Divorce - WHY NOT?
While studying for my Thanatology degree, I was also preparing for my divorce. At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the depth of grief that would come with it. Despite having been detaching emotionally for a while, the reality of my grief didn’t hit me until I reflected on my own divorce story, often during long, emotional walks with my dog, tears streaming down my cheeks. These walks became my sanctuary, a time to process and understand the heavy emotions I was carrying.
Designed to Fail: How the Family Court System Silences Grieving Mothers
A Legacy of Quiet Rage
When I was growing up, my mother spent years going in and out of family court with my father, who was high-conflict. There were affidavits, court orders, motions and a trial, but never once did anyone ask how it felt when my mother didn’t speak to her daughter for more than a decade. Or how much it costs financially or the mental and emotional toll it took on my mother. No judge questioned what that estrangement meant to us. No professional named it for what it was: a profound loss.
Why Confidence Often Drops After Divorce, Even When You Wanted It
I remember lying in bed a year and a half before my divorce, thinking, I can’t even get a part-time job at the local variety store. I was once well educated, with a degree and a post-grad diploma, yet I felt completely worthless. My confidence had been eroded for years and years, and I did not even realize it.
Many factors influence confidence after divorce, but what’s interesting is how rarely we talk about this side of it. The divorce world often highlights freedom, fresh starts, and empowerment. And while those things can be true, there’s another side that doesn’t get enough space: the quiet collapse of confidence that so many people experience, even when they were the ones who initiated the divorce.
Divorce, Grief, and the Overthinking Loop: How to Calm Your Brain After 'Life Theft’
Have you ever caught yourself replaying the same conversation with your ex, or reliving the moment you got the call that someone you love was gone?
For years after my mother's sudden death, I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. I’d go over it again and again. If you’re grieving a divorce, it might be the moment your ex said, “I want a divorce,” or the moment you said it. You analyze what went wrong, revisiting every scene like a movie stuck on repeat.
When Your Child Picks Up a “Flea”: Traits Learned from a Narcissistic Parent
I was attending a training on narcissism when the psychologist said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“Children who grow up around a narcissistic parent can sometimes pick up a few fleas.”
She explained that “fleas” are the coping traits children develop after living in a toxic or self-absorbed environment. It doesn’t mean they become narcissists, far from it, but they may carry behaviors they learned to survive.
It’s understandable that the odd “flea” might show up in your children, too; they spend time with that parent and naturally pick up some behaviors. But it’s rarely intentional; it’s usually just a reflection of the environment they’ve had to adapt to.
Worry vs. Curiosity: A Small Shift That Changes Everything During Divorce
I used to think worrying was just part of being a responsible adult. If I wasn’t constantly turning things over in my head, I worried that I was… well, not worrying enough. Looking back, I can admit I was a little neurotic, but at the time, it felt like I was just being prepared, responsible, alert. I would love to say I am not a “worrier” anymore I still am but, I am a work in progress just like many and trying to use curiosity to help.
During my divorce, that inner voice got louder, a constant stream of "what ifs" running through my mind:
What if I can’t survive financially?
What if the kids don’t adjust?
What about my beloved dog and cat?
I have no idea what I’m doing.
This kind of worry is exactly what res
Divorce Conflict Resolution: Proven Strategies for a Smoother Separation
The Reality of Leaving
When I finally left my abusive and toxic marriage, after five attempts, I had no idea what divorce truly looked like. My parents had separated in the 1970s, and because it was a high-conflict divorce, I knew firsthand what it felt like as a child. However, experiencing it as an adult and a parent was a different world entirely.
At first, my ex reassured me: “I’m not going to have a divorce like my sisters, full of conflict.” I was naive enough to believe him. I thought we could have an amicable divorce, unaware that:
Truly amicable divorces account for only about 10% of cases.
The remaining 90% involve some level of conflict.
Divorce is, at its core, the negotiation and breaking of a legally binding contract.
"I'm So Angry at My Ex": Why It Happens and How to Manage Divorce Anger
We are closing out the final week of January, a month often called "Divorce Month" because of the spike in filings and the end of holiday truces. If you entered this year hoping for a "fresh start" but find yourself feeling more consumed by rage than peace, you are not alone. The reality of high-conflict divorce can quickly derail New Year’s resolutions.
A month after I left my toxic marriage, I found myself sitting in my car, screaming at my ex on my cell phone. I was so done. with the marriage, with everything I’d endured. Did this outburst help the separation process? Not at all. Did he deserve my anger? Absolutely.
Breaking Free from Emotional Overdependence: 6 Steps to Self-Reliance After Divorce
I remember the uncertainty and fear that crept in after my marriage ended. How would I manage on my own with two children after nearly two decades of shared life? Though I wasn’t overly dependent on my ex for emotional support, our lives were deeply intertwined, and his presence had always been a constant. The prospect of untangling those ties felt overwhelming. For some, this is the deepest fear.
Why I Stayed So Long in a Toxic Marriage,and What Finally Made Me Leave
As a mother of two young adults, I often find myself deeply contemplating the choices that led me to endure my toxic marriage for almost two decades. Having grown up in a high-conflict divorced family, I convinced myself that I could manage the complexities of staying in a deeply challenging relationship. I was determined not to repeat the past. I feared my children might experience the same chaos I lived through, and because of that fear, I poured endless energy into “making it work.”
The Truth About Divorce Anger: Why Common Coping Strategies Backfire
Divorce anger is tough—it fuels battles over money, custody, and communication, often driven by fear, grief, and frustration. When you feel powerless over the situation, anger can take over, making it harder to move forward.
So, what do most of us do? We vent to friends and family, hoping to "get it off our chest," or we throw ourselves into intense workouts, believing we can sweat out the rage. But research suggests these common coping strategies might not actually help—and could even make anger worse.
How to Handle Boundary Testing from a High-Conflict Ex After Divorce
There’s plenty of advice about the importance of boundaries during divorce. For many, setting firm limits is essential to moving forward. But what’s not always discussed is how some exes will continue to test those boundaries—sometimes long after the divorce is finalized.
Divorce isn’t just a legal process; it’s an emotional and psychological shift that requires redefining your relationship with your ex. While some expect pushback during separation, many don’t realize how persistently a high-conflict ex may challenge boundaries. Even those who recognize their ex’s controlling tendencies may be caught off guard by how relentless these behaviors can be. High-conflict personalities often escalate their actions to maintain influence.