Divorceworkshop Blog
Exhausted by Peacekeeping? Breaking the Cycle of Chronic People Pleasing
The Hook: The 911 Call to the Tribe
I remember sitting in my youngest daughter’s room, hunched over her small desk. It was the only place in the house I felt safe to speak; my ex-mother-in-law lived in the basement, and I lived in constant fear of her hearing my conversations.
This was about two months before I finally left. My phone was trembling in my hand as I dialed my older sister’s number. My heart wasn't just racing; it was hammering against my ribs like I was running for my life.
I didn't call her for legal advice. I didn't call her for a shoulder to cry on. I called her to ask a question that reveals the terrifying core of the fawn response:
"Would you be embarrassed if I got a divorce?"
How People-Pleasing Impacts Your Divorce: Breaking Free from the Cycle
I’ve always been a people-pleaser, and even now, I still struggle with it. Looking back on my marriage, I realize how much it wore me down. I became burnt out, resentful, and just wanted out of the toxic and abusive relationship.
Interestingly, my people-pleasing didn’t stop after I left. During the long, drawn-out separation and divorce, I kept falling into the same patterns—saying "yes" when I wanted to say "no." Learning to say no was challenging. Many of you might relate to this experience.
Even after my marriage ended, I found myself helping him move out—cleaning, organizing, and still walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation. One moment stands out: a few months post-separation, he asked me to buy chocolates for his mother’s birthday since he wouldn’t be available. Despite the years of mistreatment from both him and his mother, I agreed. Afterward, I was furious with myself. That was the turning point when I realized something had to change.