Divorceworkshop Blog
When Your Child Picks Up a “Flea”: Traits Learned from a Narcissistic Parent
I was attending a training on narcissism when the psychologist said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“Children who grow up around a narcissistic parent can sometimes pick up a few fleas.”
She explained that “fleas” are the coping traits children develop after living in a toxic or self-absorbed environment. It doesn’t mean they become narcissists, far from it, but they may carry behaviors they learned to survive.
It’s understandable that the odd “flea” might show up in your children, too; they spend time with that parent and naturally pick up some behaviors. But it’s rarely intentional; it’s usually just a reflection of the environment they’ve had to adapt to.
Why I Stayed So Long in a Toxic Marriage,and What Finally Made Me Leave
As a mother of two young adults, I often find myself deeply contemplating the choices that led me to endure my toxic marriage for almost two decades. Having grown up in a high-conflict divorced family, I convinced myself that I could manage the complexities of staying in a deeply challenging relationship. I was determined not to repeat the past. I feared my children might experience the same chaos I lived through, and because of that fear, I poured endless energy into “making it work.”
How to Handle Boundary Testing from a High-Conflict Ex After Divorce
There’s plenty of advice about the importance of boundaries during divorce. For many, setting firm limits is essential to moving forward. But what’s not always discussed is how some exes will continue to test those boundaries—sometimes long after the divorce is finalized.
Divorce isn’t just a legal process; it’s an emotional and psychological shift that requires redefining your relationship with your ex. While some expect pushback during separation, many don’t realize how persistently a high-conflict ex may challenge boundaries. Even those who recognize their ex’s controlling tendencies may be caught off guard by how relentless these behaviors can be. High-conflict personalities often escalate their actions to maintain influence.
Hardship or Manipulation? The Child Support Loophole No One Talks About
When my ex claimed “financial hardship” to reduce or not pay his child support payments, I was shocked, but not entirely surprised. For years, he earned a six-figure income in retail. Then, during our separation, his story changed. He said he could no longer afford to contribute.
He cited his heart attack, valid for a bit, but years later. He mentioned having to repay a loan. He said he was grieving the loss of his mother. And while I don't doubt some of that was true, I also heard, through others, that he had recently traveled to Europe, was regularly playing golf, bought 2 e-bikes, and brought home a large dog with significant upkeep costs.
How did the Narcissist become this way?
Understanding the twists and turns of human behavior is just part of life's journey. Sometimes, we come across behaviors in others that puzzle us.. However, when these traits lean towards the spectrum of narcissism, the challenge becomes notably formidable, especially within the context of past relationships with partners or spouses. Recognizing the presence of narcissistic tendencies in a partner can occur gradually, characterized by patterns of blame, projection, deception, gaslighting, manipulation, etc.
In my journey, these realizations began to unfold in my late 30s, as I started to discern recurring behaviors within my marriage. While the decision to extricate myself from this toxic dynamic was arduous, it ultimately proved to be liberating. Yet, even after severing ties, lingering questions persisted—how does one evolve into becoming a person high on the narcissism spectrum? What are the influences that shape such behavior?