Divorceworkshop Blog
How People-Pleasing Impacts Your Divorce: Breaking Free from the Cycle
I’ve always been a people-pleaser, and even now, I still struggle with it. Looking back on my marriage, I realize how much it wore me down. I became burnt out, resentful, and just wanted out of the toxic and abusive relationship.
Interestingly, my people-pleasing didn’t stop after I left. During the long, drawn-out separation and divorce, I kept falling into the same patterns—saying "yes" when I wanted to say "no." Learning to say no was challenging. Many of you might relate to this experience.
Even after my marriage ended, I found myself helping him move out—cleaning, organizing, and still walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation. One moment stands out: a few months post-separation, he asked me to buy chocolates for his mother’s birthday since he wouldn’t be available. Despite the years of mistreatment from both him and his mother, I agreed. Afterward, I was furious with myself. That was the turning point when I realized something had to change.
Do High Conflict personalities love their children?
Growing up, I often found myself asking a question no child should ever have to wonder: Does my father truly love me? His unpredictable nature and hurtful actions left me doubting, while my mother’s steady love became my anchor in an otherwise turbulent world.
As an adult, I unknowingly repeated the cycle, marrying someone who shared traits with my father. We had children together, and over time, I began to notice troubling patterns in my ex-husband’s behavior. The same haunting question returned: Does he genuinely love our kids?
After our separation, his behavior became even more erratic and concerning. Friends would ask me, “How can a father treat his children this way?” Some even said, “Karen, maybe he doesn’t love them.” Deep down, I had to face a painful truth: I’m not sure he does.
How to Build a Strong Divorce Support System: 4 Essential Pillars
Divorce is one of the most challenging transitions a person can face, often upending every aspect of life. As someone who has spent years studying and working in the field of thanatology—the science of death, dying, and grief—I’ve seen firsthand how vital a solid support system is during times of profound change. Divorce is the death of a relationship that is often complex and messy and requires tools and strategies to help navigate the emotional, logistical, and practical challenges it brings.
Feeling Overwhelmed by Divorce? Here's Why Pausing Can Change Everything
Whether you’re the one initiating the divorce or still deciding, the urge to act quickly can be overwhelming. However, the best first step is often to resist that impulse. Taking a moment to "sit still" provides both you and your ex with the space to emotionally settle and think more clearly. This pause doesn’t mean waiting months—it’s simply about creating a brief period of reflection before rushing into decisions you might later regret.
In my case, I deeply wish I had taken this pause. Instead, I reacted out of fear and haste, without fully understanding the dynamics of my marriage or my ex's behavior. Many of us in difficult or abusive relationships may not even realize the extent of the toxicity or who we’re dealing with until it’s too late. Had I been able to gain more insight into who I was divorcing or had more guidance, my approach to the divorce would have been much more strategic and I would have been better equipped to handle who I was divorcing.
Note: It’s important to recognize that in cases of domestic violence or extreme toxicity, there is often no option to pause. For those in such situations, immediate safety must come first, and acting quickly is necessary. In these instances, seeking help from a legal professional or support organization is critical, and a pause may not be possible.
Why So Many Divorces Happen After the Holidays—Including Mine
At the time, I didn’t fully understand why we often hold on through the holidays, even when a relationship is falling apart. Reflecting on my own experience, I stayed for my children. I wanted to give them one last holiday as a family, even though the tension in the air was undeniable.
Many people face the same pressure: the desire to maintain the appearance of a happy family, the hope for a holiday miracle, or simply the wish to avoid adding more pain to an already emotional season.
I’ve since learned this is a common experience. Countless men and women have shared stories of waiting until after the holidays to finally say, “I’m done.” The holiday season, while joyous for some, often magnifies dissatisfaction and exposes the cracks in a marriage, making them impossible to ignore.
Divorce and Early Death: What You Need to Know
As a thanatologist, my work delves into the intricate and often delicate realm of mortality and its various facets. Recently, I came across a study that piqued my interest—a study shedding light on an unexpected connection between divorce and early mortality rates. It's widely acknowledged that divorce ranks as the second most stressful life event, following closely behind the loss of a loved one. This means that the emotional toll it exacts is profound and significant, to the point that it can even impact one's longevity. The statistics are eye-opening: For every 100,000 people, approximately 1,363 divorcees experience early mortality, compared to just 779 among those who remain in a married union. This revelation prompts us to delve deeper into the ways divorce might influence our long-term health.
Finding Clarity: My Journey to Ending a Marriage.
Choosing to end a marriage is never an easy decision; it often lingers beneath the surface for years before becoming impossible to ignore. For many, the path toward divorce is a subtle process of emotional detachment. It’s like watching a thread slowly unwind from a spool—quiet and steady. Over time, you find yourself drifting apart, and the bond that once held you together begins to fray. The shared dreams and hopes that once united you gradually fade into distant memories.
As you navigate the complexities of marriage, a growing unease often starts to creep in—a whisper that something fundamental has shifted. You may start to question whether the relationship is still fulfilling, or if you’re staying out of obligation, fear, or uncertainty. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and often signal deeper issues that need addressing. Divorce is not something we plan for when we marry, but sometimes it becomes necessary for our well-being, especially if there are forms of abuse, neglect, or a deep disconnection that have taken root in the relationship.
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR HOME IN A DIVORCE?
The first step in addressing the future of your home in a divorce is to determine the ownership. In Ontario, the matrimonial home is treated uniquely compared to other assets. Regardless of which spouse holds the title, both parties have an equal right to stay in the house until a separation agreement or court order states otherwise. This rule ensures that neither spouse can sell or mortgage the home without the other's consent.
STEP 2: VALUING THE HOME
The next step involves valuing the home to determine its worth. This valuation is typically conducted by a professional appraiser who will consider factors such as the current real estate market, the condition of the property, and comparable home sales in the area.
Accurate valuation is critical, as it impacts the division of assets and helps determine whether one spouse can afford to keep the home or if selling is the best option.
STEP 3: DECIDING ON THE FUTURE OF THE HOME
The Significance of Taking your Wedding Ring Off
We know it takes an average of 5 years of marital discord and conflict for a person to decide to leave the marriage. Many of those individuals are women, and the process of detaching and growing apart from their spouse was happening during the marriage itself. This means that the identity associated with the ring began to lose its value, even sentimentally. When you repeatedly attempt to salvage a marriage, and it withers away over time, the rings and all those promises made years ago no longer hold the same significance.