Finding Clarity: My Journey to Ending a Marriage.
How I Knew It Was Time to Leave My Marriage
Have you ever felt a nagging sense that it might be time to leave your marriage? Choosing to end a relationship is rarely an easy decision; it often lingers beneath the surface for years before it becomes impossible to ignore. For many, the path toward divorce is a gradual process of emotional detachment. You may find yourself drifting apart, and the connection that once held you together begins to weaken.
As you navigate the complexities of marriage, a growing unease often starts to creep in—a whisper that something fundamental has shifted. You may start to question whether the relationship is still fulfilling, or if you’re staying out of obligation, fear, or uncertainty. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and often signal deeper issues that need addressing. Divorce is not something we plan for when we marry, but sometimes it becomes necessary for our well-being, especially if there are forms of abuse, neglect, or a deep disconnection that have taken root in the relationship.
How I Began Questioning My Marriage
In this blog, I won’t disclose the most painful details of my marriage, as the focus is on how I began questioning myself and seeking validation from others. For me, it was a long, slow journey of self-awareness that eventually led me to realize I needed to leave.
I started reaching out to friends and acquaintances, subtly dropping hints or asking questions like, "Would you ever consider getting married again?" I vividly remember one of my daughter’s soccer practices where I posed this question to a group of women. Their responses were eye-opening—most said they would never marry again. It made me think, "Maybe everyone is struggling like I am." At the time, I didn’t realize I was searching for reassurance that divorce would be okay if I was truly unhappy. Yet, it took another six years for me to finally decide to leave.
During those years, I began to grow into myself. In my 40s, I went through a shift I had long resisted. My children were getting older, and the marriage had become increasingly difficult, marked by years of coercive control, neglect, and emotional and financial abuse. It was during this period of self-discovery and self-care that I began contemplating a path I had vowed never to take.
The Cracks That Started to Show
A few memories stand out: I remember calling my older sister and asking, “What’s the worst thing your husband has ever called you?” Hoping for validation, I was taken aback when she replied, “He called me a b***h once,” and quickly added that she had firmly stood up to him and that never happened again. Her experience felt so much milder compared to mine, making me reflect on the severity of the disrespect and emotional abuse in my marriage.
Another time, I shared what I thought was a funny story with a friend about my ex’s behavior. She looked at me and said, "That’s not funny, Karen. That’s downright mean." I hadn’t even recognized the behavior as cruel because I had grown so accustomed to it. These small, but significant, moments began to accumulate, and over time, they helped me acknowledge the deep unhappiness I had been living with.
For years, I facilitated support groups for widows and widowers, listening and offering guidance to those who were grieving. I vividly recall one gentleman talking so lovingly about his late wife, and it struck me—I realized my bully ex would never speak about me in that way. It was a powerful moment, and it made me confront the type of marriage I was actually in all these years.
Signs It’s Time to Leave
For many, the decision to divorce unfolds gradually through small moments of clarity that something is fundamentally wrong. Here are some key signs that a marriage may no longer be healthy. :
Lack of Emotional Connection: You feel unsupported and distant from each other.
Growing Apart: Individual goals take precedence over the relationship, leading to isolation.
Contempt, defensiveness, or Emotional Abuse: Persistent disrespect and contempt create a toxic atmosphere.
Physical Abuse: Any form of physical violence or intimidation is a clear sign that the relationship is unsafe and unhealthy.
Unfulfilled Needs: You feel neglected or unappreciated, leading to dissatisfaction.
Feeling Unhappy and Stuck: A growing sense of unhappiness prompts reflection on whether the marriage is still viable.
Communication Breakdown: Meaningful conversations are rare, leading to misunderstandings.
Avoidance of Conflict: Important issues are consistently sidestepped rather than resolved.
Loss of Trust and Betrayal: Trust issues undermine the foundation of the relationship.
Isolation from Support: You feel cut off from friends and family, limiting your support network.
Recognizing these signs is critical in evaluating your relationship and making informed decisions about your future. In my case, it wasn’t one single incident but rather the cumulative effect of years of coercive control, financial abuse, cheating, emotional neglect, abuse, and deep-seated unhappiness that ultimately made me realize the marriage was no longer healthy for me or my children.
Reflective ‘Workout’: Imagining the End
As part of my work with clients, I often guide them through a reflective exercise that helps clarify their feelings about their marriage and the possibility of divorce. I ask them to imagine a scenario: How would you feel if you walked into your home and found that your ex had packed all their belongings and placed them at the front door?
This exercise encourages clients to explore a range of emotions, including:
Relief: Would you feel a sense of freedom or relief, perhaps indicating that you’re ready to let go?
Grief: Would you feel sadness over what the relationship has become or the memories associated with it?
Anger: Would there be anger at how things have turned out or at the circumstances surrounding the breakup?
Indifference: Or perhaps you might feel indifferent, recognizing that the decision to leave is long overdue.
Reflecting on these feelings can be a powerful way to gauge your readiness for change and understand your current situation's emotional weight. I often suggest these clients write it down and see what comes out on paper.
To help guide people through these kinds of reflections and exercises, I co-authored Just Separated: A Hands-on Workbook for Your Separation & Divorce, which provides over 55 simple structured ‘workouts’ and insights for anyone navigating the complex challenges of divorce.
Trusting the Inner Voice
The signs became more evident as the years passed, and my feelings intensified. One moment that still stands out was during a family vacation with just my daughters. As we drove closer to home, tears filled my eyes—I didn’t want to return to the life I was living. In that instant, I knew my marriage was over. My soul had been growing louder, urging me to leave, even though I hadn’t figured everything out yet. It was no longer a quiet whisper but a strong force I could no longer ignore.
Ultimately, each person’s journey to divorce is different. For me, it was about learning to trust my inner voice, recognizing the signs, and realizing that my happiness and well-being mattered. It was a long and difficult journey, but one that was necessary for my emotional and mental health.
Choosing to end a marriage is an incredibly personal decision, filled with emotional turmoil and uncertainty. As you reflect on your situation, remember that it’s essential to trust yourself and your feelings. Taking the time to evaluate your marriage honestly can lead to clarity and a path toward healing and happiness. Whether you're in the early stages of questioning your relationship or at a crossroads, know that you’re not alone. Seek support, reflect on your feelings, and trust that you have the strength to make the right choice for your future.
Just Separated: A Hands-On Workbook for Your Separation & Divorce
Dropping Oct 18 on Amazon
Are you feeling overwhelmed by the chaos of divorce and separation? You're not alone. Every year, many face tough choices, financial worries, legal complexities, intense emotions, and concerns about co-parenting. Just Separated: The Hands-On Workbook for Your Separation & Divorce offers an affordable, foundational option to help you navigate these challenges. Written and designed by divorce coaches Karen Omand, a certified thanatologist, and Kirk Mosna, a designer with deep insights into the divorce process—both having lived through high-conflict divorces—this 200+ page workbook includes 55 unique, practical exercises covering every aspect of divorce: legal, financial, emotional, and co-parenting.
Just Separated is more than just guidance, it actively engages you, making complex issues approachable and helping you move forward with confidence.
Advanced reader’s reviews:
"My marriage suddenly ended with no warning signs to prepare me for the life changes a divorce would introduce. Luckily, the practical exercises and supportive guidance in this workbook gave me the tools to not just survive my divorce but to thrive afterward. J.P ( client)
