How Coparents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children
This blog was written in collaboration with Al Huntoon from Coparentingconnection.com
“When my parents got divorced, I was just a baby and had no idea what it felt like to have two parents together. Children at any age grieve the loss of their family.”
What is Grief?
In very simple terms, grief is a reaction to loss. When we think of grief, we often think of a death loss, but grief is much broader than most think, and it can be felt for various reasons. Children are not immune to feeling these emotions. Many parents who go through a breakup or divorce may not even recognize that their children may also be grieving.
One aspect of the experience that not many separating or divorcing couples understand is that children do grieve this loss. It changes their whole life. Children can have similar reactions to how the parents may feel about the separation or divorce.
Children’s reactions and feelings can be more acute in the case of high-conflict separations or divorces. The day before transferring the child to the other parent’s house can be fraught with tense feelings. These are sensed by the child, who may wonder whether their parents may fight openly at the transfer or what will happen. That was my experience as a child.
When Karen’s parents divorced, she was too young to know what it was like to have both parents together. Karen recalls feeling lonely and insecure during her visits with her father, crying alone, and longing for her mother. Children of all ages grieve the loss of their family, though many parents may not recognize this. Grief, a reaction to loss, isn’t limited to death and can deeply affect children during divorce. This grief changes a child’s entire life, often manifesting in behavioral issues due to their limited ability to understand or express their feelings.
To illustrate this, Karen shares a deeply personal story from her own childhood, which highlights the impact of grief.
I saw pictures of myself spending time with my father when I was very young, but my earliest memories were with my mother. I spent most of my childhood with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. Some of my earliest memories include crying in my bed at my father's place and longing to be with my mom. I felt alone and hurt, yearning for her. I was also a very sickly child, and I struggled in those early years of school.
My attachment system was formed to feel secure and safe with my mom, but my behavior was not always entirely indicative of that. I felt strongly attached and secure with her, but something else was going on at the same time. Once in kindergarten, I stole some macaroni that we used for art, and I got caught, so this was reported to the principal and my mom. I am not sure why I took it—maybe I thought my mom needed it to feed us. I also remember taking some Rice Krispies from home, putting them in a bag, and hiding them in the evergreens in front of the house. Was I feeling unsafe or insecure?
I wasn't close to my father or his new wife. Years later, as I reflect on my childhood, I realize I had been grieving the loss of a normal family, the time I wasn't with my mom, and the absence of a father figure I never truly had. I had never talked about this until years later in therapy. As a child in the 1970s and 1980s, my feelings did not matter much.
Parents may feel guilt about the separation or divorce but might not understand that their children are grieving as well. My parents never knew, and I cried myself to sleep and that I was jealous of other families with two loving parents—an emotion I now recognize as a form of grief.
Children Living Between Two Worlds
For children, divorce involves not just family members moving but also strong emotions and significant changes. They must navigate living between two worlds, with parents who may have different parenting styles. Consistency can help, but the transition is still difficult. Adults must understand separation or divorce from the child’s perspective, recognizing that while they handle logistics, children are dealing with internal turmoil.
It's common for separated or divorced parents to not want to hear that their child misses or feels sad about the other parent, leading some children to isolate themselves emotionally. Karen’s story is an example of this. Children may grieve the loss of their family, the daily presence of both parents, and the stability they once had. Relief may come in high-conflict households, but grief can also include sadness, confusion, anger, and fear of the unknown. Addressing these grief-related emotions is crucial to helping children adjust to divorce.
Age-Specific Indicators:
Ages 2 and under: Increased fussiness, clinginess, regression.
Ages 3-5: Regression, nightmares, aggression, noncompliance, temper tantrums, complaints about stomach
Ages 6-9: Role replacement, feelings of abandonment, clinginess, fear you will disappear, aggression, withdrawal, may blame themselves, possessiveness, psychosomatic symptoms.
Early Adolescents: Increased aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, torn between two people, feeling the weight of being stuck in the middle, may take sides, anger, frustration, confusion, hurt, shame (worries about what their friends may think), may play games with parents
Ages 13-18: Aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, possible risky behaviors, may distance themselves emotionally, may have conflicted loyalties, uncertain how to talk to their friends about it, grieve their home and lifestyle, grades may slip
All Ages: Sadness, anger, guilt, denial, fear, psychosomatic symptoms, behavioral problems, aggression, concentration issues, fatigue, withdrawal, low self-esteem
Emotional Literacy in Grieving Children
These reactions triggered by loss can be overwhelming for children, they often lack the emotional maturity and cognitive development to fully understand or process the feeling of grief. Children often struggle to articulate their feelings and might require guidance and support to navigate their grief in a healthy, productive way. Emotional literacy—the ability to recognize, understand, and express emotions constructively—plays a crucial role in helping children manage their grief. Here are some key benefits:
Validation of Feelings: When children can clearly express their feelings, they often feel more in control and understood. Knowing that their emotions are acknowledged and valued gives them a sense of empowerment. This recognition also fosters trust between children and their caregivers, reinforcing the idea that their feelings matter. Stronger emotional bonds with parents develop when children feel heard and understood, providing essential support and love during challenging times.
Reduced Anxiety: Understanding emotions can shed light on the complex feelings associated with grief, reducing confusion and anxiety. Expressing emotions can be a calming release, helping children manage anxiety in a healthy way. Children who can articulate their emotions are less likely to feel overwhelmed. By understanding the emotional responses of others, children can approach social interactions and family dynamics with greater ease.
Healthy Expression: Emotional literacy provides children with positive outlets for their emotions, reducing the likelihood of emotional outbursts or destructive behaviors. By learning to communicate their needs and feelings effectively, children can build stronger relationships with parents and peers. This emotional intelligence also enhances their ability to resolve conflicts peacefully by understanding different perspectives.
Enhanced Coping Skills: Emotional literacy helps children develop stronger coping mechanisms, helping them to face life’s challenges with resilience and adaptability. They are better equipped to solve problems by considering both their emotions and logical reasoning. This emotional intelligence enables children to make balanced decisions.
Supporting Emotional Literacy
Nurturing children's emotional literacy involves employing intentional strategies that parents can implement to help their children understand and express their emotions in a healthy manner:
Modeling Behavior: Parents can demonstrate emotional awareness by openly expressing their own feelings in an age-appropriate manner. For example, a parent might say, “I'm feeling frustrated right now.” By modeling healthy emotional responses, parents teach children valuable coping skills. Creating an open environment where children can ask questions and share their feelings without fear of judgment is essential.
Active Listening: When children express their emotions, giving them full attention is crucial. Using empathetic statements like, “I think you might be feeling sad because of the changes in our family,” shows children that their feelings are understood and valued. Attentive listening encourages open dialogue about emotions and fosters a supportive atmosphere.
Labeling and Coaching: Helping children identify and label their emotions is a key step in emotional literacy. For example, if children's is upset, a parent can say, “It seems like you’re feeling angry.” Discussing the reasons behind these emotions can help children understand their feelings better. Positive reinforcement for expressing emotions encourages continued development of emotional literacy skills.
Strategies to Address Children's Grief
Providing a Stable and Supportive Environment
Creating a sense of stability and support is crucial for children's experiencing grief, especially in a coparenting situation. By working together, parents can build a consistent and reassuring environment that helps their child feel secure, even amidst significant life changes.
Aligned Messaging: In the delicate process of coparenting, presenting a unified front is crucial. When parents align their messaging, it not only reduces confusion but also eases the insecurities that grieving children often face. Consistent communication about family changes and emotional support signals to the child that both parents are in sync, offering them a comforting sense of security.
Shared Emotional Literacy Goals: Both parents should place a high priority on fostering emotional literacy, ensuring they are teaching and reinforcing the same concepts and strategies. By collaborating on how to handle significant events or emotional challenges, parents can prevent mixed signals and reinforce the importance of understanding and expressing emotions constructively. This unified approach ensures that the child receives consistent guidance, no matter which home they are in.
Predictability and Stability: Stability is the cornerstone of children's emotional security, especially during times of grief. Consistency in rules and routines across both households provides the predictability that children need to feel safe and in control. When parents collaborate to establish similar expectations—whether it’s bedtime or screen time—they create a consistent experience that helps the child understand both homes as secure and familiar spaces, reducing any potential for confusion or anxiety.
Communication is Critical
Regular Check-ins: To uphold consistency, parents should schedule regular check-ins to discuss their children’s emotional and behavioral progress. Whether weekly or bi-weekly, these proactive discussions allow parents to stay ahead of any emerging issues, preventing minor challenges from escalating into significant problems.
Emotional Updates: These check-ins are also a vital opportunity to share updates on the children’s emotional state. By discussing any significant events or changes in behavior, parents can ensure they are both prepared to respond appropriately and consistently, reinforcing the children’s emotional literacy and well-being.
Focus on the Children’s Well-being: Amidst the complexities of coparenting, it’s essential to keep the focus squarely on the child’s well-being. Conflicts should be handled privately, away from children, to avoid adding unnecessary stress to their emotional burden. By agreeing to present a calm and united front, even during disagreements, parents can shield their children from tension. In moments of conflict, refocusing on the shared goal—supporting the children’s emotional and developmental needs—can guide conversations and decisions toward constructive outcomes.
Professional Support
Undoubtedly, there will be challenges in helping your children navigate a separation or divorce. For the most part, you and your co-parent will be able to guide them through this life-changing event. However, each child’s response to the family transition will be unique. One child may adapt better to the divorce, while another may struggle. At times, it may be best for co-parents to seek support from professionals who can help guide and support their child through the separation or divorce and its effects.
When to Seek Professional Help
There are several reasons why co-parents might consider seeking professional help. As mentioned earlier, children's behaviors can vary depending on their developmental stage. It is normal for children to regress, show anger, and sadness, or make hurtful remarks during a separation or divorce. These behaviors often stem from their grief over the loss of their previous family structure. However, if these signs become persistent and severe, consulting a children's therapist may be crucial.
Signs That Professional Help May Be Needed:
Persistent Distress: Continuous sadness, anxiety, or upset for an extended period.
Significant Behavioral Issues: Dramatic changes in behavior, increased defiance, aggression, or disruption.
Unexplained Physical Symptoms: Frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments without a clear medical cause.
Self-Harm or Severe Depression/Anxiety: Talk of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or severe emotional distress.
Decline in Academic Performance: Noticeable drops in grades, loss of interest in school, or frequent school-related complaints.
Social Withdrawal: Avoiding friends, family, and previously enjoyed social activities.
Sleep Disturbances: Persistent nightmares, insomnia, or excessive sleeping.
Regressive Behaviors: Reverting to younger behaviors such as bed-wetting, clinginess, or tantrums.
Substance Use: Experimenting with drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism.
Intense Anger or Aggression: Frequent outbursts, fighting with peers, or defiance toward authority figures.
Difficulty with Daily Functioning: Struggling with routines, responsibilities, or loss of interest in activities.
Changes in Eating Habits: Significant weight loss or gain, or changes in eating patterns.
Excessive Guilt or Self-Blame: Expressing feelings of responsibility for the divorce or ongoing family issues.
Recognizing these signs early and seeking professional help can make a significant difference in your child's emotional and psychological well-being during and after a divorce.
Conclusion: Why This Matters
Parenting responsibilities don’t diminish during a separation or divorce; in fact, they often increase as coparenting introduces new and challenging skills. Emotional literacy is crucial—children need to express their feelings about the suddenly changed circumstances and their impact. Parents need to communicate with their children and be vigilant for harmful behaviors.
Coparents must understand that children grieve and that each child’s way of grieving is unique. During separation and divorce, parents are often overwhelmed by the many tasks and emotions involved. Some may feel strong guilt about leaving a marriage and its effects on their children. Many parents may not realize that, although children are generally resilient and able to transition, most new co-parents are unaware of how to effectively communicate with their children during this time.
Whether the relationship ended mutually or not, divorce is overwhelming. Karen’s personal story is not uncommon. This guide, which includes behaviors to watch for, developmental issues at each age, emotional literacy, practical coparenting strategies, and creating a stable environment, provides important steps for recognizing and addressing these challenges.
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