The Warnings I Ignored: My Grandmothers Told Me Not to Marry Him
I still remember the moment both of my grandmothers warned me about my fiancé. One grandmother told me, “Karen, this is not a good idea.” The other grandmother, through my mother, expressed that she was not happy and did not approve of the engagement. They weren't yelling or making a scene, but both knew something was off. Deep down, they sensed that he wasn’t the right one for me. We had broken up twice before, so I knew there were issues, but I convinced myself they were wrong.
I was very close to my grandmothers and trusted their wisdom. But when it came to my relationship, I thought I knew better, and I was incredibly naïve. Maybe it was my stubbornness, or maybe he did a good job pretending. Either way, I ignored the small voice inside me whispering that something wasn’t right.
Ignoring the Gut Feeling
A year later, I tried to leave. I knew, deep down, that this marriage wasn’t right for me. But life pulled me back in, especially because I didn’t have the tools or support to see a way out. Then we had children, and I became lost in the role of being a mother. The first year of marriage was a wake-up call. I even tried to leave, but I was guilted into staying. By then, I knew my grandmothers were right, but I stayed for nearly two decades.
There were countless red flags—so many I couldn’t ignore. But back then, I didn’t have the language or the resources to identify them. No podcasts, no books, no social media influencers telling me, "Hey, this isn’t normal. Pay attention to that feeling of unease." Instead, I rationalized. I ignored what my grandmothers had seen so clearly.
The Red Flags I Should Have Seen
Looking back, the signs were obvious. These were the things I wish I had noticed sooner:
Secrecy About His Family: He never introduced me to his family, never spoke about them, and always had an excuse. This should have been a red flag. Secrets often signal deeper issues.
Public Disrespect: Once, in a drive-thru, I hesitated on my order. He turned to the cashier and said, "She can’t make up her mind. I’ll hit her so she will," then laughed. I laughed along, but inside, I felt sick. Humiliating "jokes" are never just jokes—they’re warning signs of deeper disrespect and control.
Blame-Shifting and Manipulation: Every problem seemed to be my fault. Once, I joked, "You could have three affairs, and you’d still blame them on me." He laughed and said, "Yes, I would." He was telling me exactly who he was. People who never take responsibility for their actions will always twist the truth to make you the problem. You can read my blog about DARVO ( deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) technique that is often used by high conflict personalities.
Constant Emotional Exhaustion: No matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. I was walking on eggshells, constantly trying to make the marriage work. When you’re the only one trying, it’s no longer a partnership—it’s control.
Eroding My Self-Worth: By the end of the marriage, I didn’t recognize myself. I had a degree and a post-diploma, but I felt incapable of even getting a job at a convenience store. A relationship that makes you doubt your own abilities is not love—it’s emotional abuse.
Constant Praise for Him, Never Supporting Me: His sister once told me before our wedding, "You know, my brother could have had anyone." I was constantly told how smart and accomplished he was. A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, not one person being elevated while the other is diminished.
Emotional Invalidation: He couldn’t truly listen or validate my feelings. If I spoke with the "wrong" tone or the cupboard wasn’t tidy enough, I’d get snapped at. Emotional regulation is key in a relationship, and his inability to do this was a huge red flag.
Radical Acceptance and Self-Compassion: Healing After Leaving
Leaving wasn’t just about walking away from a marriage—it was about facing the truth of what I had been living with for years. It was about radical acceptance—not just of him, but of myself and the decisions I had made. Seven years later, I’m still working through it, but this is a process that takes time. After I left, I slowly began waking up to the realization of what I had actually been living through.
I had to grieve—not only the marriage but the version of myself that I lost over those years. The love I tried so hard to make real was never real. I grieved the time I couldn’t get back, and grieving that loss was messy. Some days, I felt free—like I had finally woken up. Other days, shame overwhelmed me for staying as long as I did. The weight of "I should have known better" sat heavy on my chest.
But here’s what I’ve learned: Beating myself up for what I didn’t know then changes nothing. The only way forward is through self-compassion—understanding that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Staying wasn’t a sign of weakness; it was a sign of how much I believed in love, in second chances, and in the hope that things could improve.
I had to unlearn the idea that I had failed. Leaving wasn’t a failure—it was me choosing myself.
Looking Back: What If I Had Listened Sooner?
I can’t change the past, but I often wonder: What if I had listened to my grandmothers? What if I had trusted my gut instead of thinking I could make it work? What if I had known then what I know now?
I can’t go back, but I can share my story. Maybe someone out there is feeling the same quiet unease I did. Maybe someone is pushing aside their instincts because they think they can fix things. Maybe someone needs to hear that it’s okay to walk away.
The people who love us most can often see what we can’t. Sometimes, we need to listen to them—and, most importantly, we need to listen to ourselves. I hope my daughters never doubt their worth. I hope they never shrink themselves for love. If the people who love them ever warn them, I hope they stop and listen. And if they ever feel that quiet unease, I hope they trust themselves enough to walk away.
Because there is always life on the other side—and it’s so much brighter than you can imagine.
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