The Truth About Divorce Anger: Why Common Coping Strategies Backfire
Divorce anger is tough—it fuels battles over money, custody, and communication, often driven by fear, grief, and frustration. When you feel powerless over the situation, anger can take over, making it harder to move forward.
So, what do most of us do? We vent to friends and family, hoping to "get it off our chest," or we throw ourselves into intense workouts, believing we can sweat out the rage. But research suggests these common coping strategies might not actually help—and could even make anger worse.
I discuss this in more detail with Chris Stuart on my podcast Just Separated, where we explore how strong emotions like anger can disrupt your divorce process and cost you in the long run. You can listen to the full episode on Spotify here: How Your Emotional Reactions in Divorce Can Cost You!
The Myth of Venting: Why It Doesn’t Work
I used to vent to my family and friends, thinking it would help me let go of my frustration. Sometimes it helped because they were calm and listened. But other times instead of feeling better, I often ended up even more upset. Sometimes, they would match my anger, which only intensified my emotions. Looking back, I realize that at times venting didn’t actually help—it just kept my anger alive.
We've all done it—called a friend or vented to family in the heat of the moment. It feels natural, even cathartic. But while venting might bring temporary relief, it often reinforces anger rather than releasing it. Talking to someone just as upset as you can create a spiral, fueling frustration instead of diffusing it. It’s like adding gasoline to a fire instead of water.
This cycle isn’t just limited to personal conversations—it happens online too. In Facebook groups or forums, people share frustrations and unintentionally amplify each other’s anger, keeping emotions stuck on repeat. I joined some of these groups early in my divorce and quickly realized: this is too much.
What’s even more surprising? Research shows that repeatedly talking about anger strengthens neural pathways in the brain, making those emotions more ingrained and harder to move past. Instead of finding relief, we end up rehearsing our frustrations, reinforcing the very feelings we’re trying to escape.
Why High-Intensity Exercise Might Make Things Worse
We’ve all heard the advice: “Get that anger out!” Go for a jog, punch a pillow, or hit a punching bag. The idea is that intense exercise releases that intense anger. However, I think we’ve got it wrong.
New research shows that high-intensity exercise or repeatedly hitting a pillow or punching bag increases physiological arousal, keeping frustration simmering rather than releasing it. The adrenaline rush may feel like relief in the moment, but it can actually amplify emotions instead of calming them. Instead of feeling better, you may end up more agitated and emotionally charged. So if venting and intense workouts don’t help, what does?
What works better:
I have always been a walker. When my mom died suddenly 16 years ago, I found myself pounding the pavement daily with my dog, Wilson. At the time, I didn’t understand why walking helped—it just did. Walking became a way to process my grief without getting stuck in it. Unlike high-intensity workouts that fuel adrenaline, walking acts as a natural regulator, easing emotions instead of amplifying them.
Walking—especially in nature (often called "forest bathing you can watch my Forest bathing YouTube video here)—has been proven to lower stress hormones, calm the nervous system, and help with emotional regulation. Even a short 10–15 minute walk can:
Lower cortisol levels, reducing stress and tension.
Regulate breathing, preventing hyperarousal.
Engage the prefrontal cortex, allowing for better decision-making instead of reactive responses.
Walking gives you a way to move through emotions rather than feeling consumed by them. And that movement—both physical and emotional—becomes a crucial part of healing.
How Playfulness Can Shift Your Mood
Ever notice how hard it is to stay mad while laughing? Playfulness interrupts emotional loops, shifting your brain away from anger and toward joy. Engaging in lighthearted activities—whether it’s dancing in your kitchen, playing a sport, or goofing around with your kids—activates different parts of the brain, releases endorphins, and helps reset your emotional state.
Here are some easy ways to bring more playfulness into your routine:
Move in a fun way – Pickleball, swimming, or tossing a frisbee can shake off stress.
Get creative – Painting, doodling, or playing an instrument redirects energy and engages a different part of your brain.
Laugh more – Watch a comedy, play a silly game, or spend time with people who bring out your playful side.
These small, intentional moments of movement and play aren’t about ignoring your feelings—they’re about giving your body and mind a different way to process them.
Using Breath & Mindfulness to Calm Your Emotions
Deep breathing, mindfulness, and yoga are all effective ways to lower stress and regain control. These techniques work by calming the nervous system, shifting focus away from overwhelming thoughts, and creating space for clearer decision-making.
One of my favorite breathwork techniques is the 4-7-8 breath, which I’ve been recommending to clients for years. This simple practice helps slow the heart rate, reduce tension, and promote a sense of balance—especially during difficult moments. If you’d like to learn more, here’s an example here that walks you through the 4-7-8 breathing technique.
Taking just a few minutes each day to focus on your breath can make a significant difference in how you navigate the emotional challenges of divorce. Give it a try and notice how it shifts your state of mind.
When Anger is Provoked on Purpose
While anger is a natural response to divorce, some exes—especially those with high-conflict tendencies—may provoke anger intentionally. They may thrive on emotional reactions and use them as a way to maintain control, escalate conflict, or even manipulate legal proceedings.
If you find yourself repeatedly reacting to an ex’s provocation, remember: your anger is valid, but how you respond to it determines your power. Walking away—literally and figuratively—can be one of the most effective ways to disengage from the cycle and limited your communication and learning not to engage with them. You can check out my 3 part Narcissist series blogs part 1, part 2, part 3 here to get more knowledge.
Anger in divorce is normal- but how you manage it makes all the difference. While venting and high-intensity exercise may seem like natural outlets, new research show that they do not actually reduce anger and can even make it worse. Instead, walking, playful activities and mindfulness activities can break the cycle of reactivity, allowing you to process emotions in a healthier way.
Reference
A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: What fuels or douses rage?
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272735824000357
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