Do High-Conflict Personalities Love Their Children? Understanding the Tangled Truth?
Love is supposed to be simple, especially between a parent and a child. But what happens when that love feels unpredictable, conditional, or even painful?
Growing up, I often found myself asking a question no child should ever have to wonder: Does my father truly love me? His unpredictable nature and hurtful actions left me doubting, while my mother’s steady love became my anchor in an otherwise turbulent world.
As an adult, I unknowingly repeated the cycle, marrying someone who shared traits with my father. We had children together, and over time, I began to notice troubling patterns in my ex-husband’s behavior. The same haunting question returned: Does he genuinely love our kids?
After our separation, his behavior became even more erratic and concerning. Friends would ask me, “How can a father treat his children this way?” Some even said, “Karen, maybe he doesn’t love them.” Deep down, I faced a painful truth: I’m not sure he does.
This realization led me to explore a question I never expected to ask: Do high-conflict individuals truly love their children, or is their love overshadowed by their struggles?
When we think of parental love, we imagine warmth, protection, and unwavering care. But with a high-conflict personality, love becomes tangled in unpredictability and chaos, making it nearly impossible to recognize. While these individuals may experience what they believe is love, their internal struggles often prevent them from providing the emotional safety a child requires.
As someone who grew up with a high-conflict parent and later married one, I’ve learned that while high-conflict individuals may feel love, their actions often distort and complicate how that love is expressed—or received.
What Is a High-Conflict Personality?
A high-conflict personality isn’t just someone who gets upset easily. It’s a pattern of behavior that creates constant tension and unpredictability. Imagine a storm: sometimes it’s calm, but you never know when the next thunderclap will strike. I would often say I felt like I was living with two different people, never knowing which one was going to show up.
At the core of these individuals is an antagonistic nature. Rather than seeking peace or resolution, they often feel most comfortable in a state of opposition. To them, disagreement isn't a problem to be solved; it’s a battle to be won.
High-conflict individuals often share similar behaviors, such as:
Emotional Volatility: Frequent mood swings and shifting blame using DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender). You can read more about DARVO here in my previous blog Understanding DARVO: How Manipulators Shift Blame in Toxic Relationships
Black-and-White Thinking: You’re either completely with them or entirely against them.
Blaming Others: Avoiding responsibility by justifying bad behavior as someone else's fault.
Controlling Behavior: Dominating decisions regarding parenting, custody, or daily life.
Chronic Antagonism: A persistent, "us versus them" mindset that views the other parent as an enemy to be defeated rather than a partner in raising children.
Living in this dynamic often creates FOG—Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. These emotions cloud judgment, making it harder to recognize unhealthy patterns while the high-conflict individual uses these feelings to maintain control.
Can a High-Conflict Parent Truly Love Their Child?
High-conflict parents may love their children deeply, but that love often gets tangled up in their struggles with emotions and relationships. Here’s how it can play out:
Emotional Instability: Affection can swing unpredictably, leaving children unsure when they’ll be met with warmth or anger.
Overprotection and Control: What’s meant to be love may become suffocating control, hindering the child’s independence and growth. This is often seen in "helicopter parenting," where the parent's need for control outweighs the child's need for autonomy. *
Blaming and Defensiveness: Parents project their insecurities onto their children, making them feel responsible for the parent’s unhappiness.
Neglect: Emotional, physical, or financial needs may be ignored, as the parent’s turmoil takes precedence over the child’s well-being.
Lying and Manipulation: To protect themselves or control situations, a parent may lie or emotionally manipulate the child, leading to confusion and mistrust.
Triangulation: The child may be drawn into conflicts with the other parent, forced to take sides, or act as a messenger, causing emotional strain.
Parental Alienation: One parent deliberately undermines and damages the child's relationship with the other parent. This manipulation creates lasting emotional harm to the child.
Abuse by Proxy: The child becomes a weapon used by one parent to control or harm the other parent after separation in family courts. This can include involving teachers, doctors, or the legal system to continue the harassment. Family courts increasingly recognize this as a serious form of ongoing abuse.
Coercive Control: Some children become emotional supports for their high-conflict parents, a process known as parentification, robbing them of a carefree childhood.
How This Affects Children
As someone who lived through these dynamics and spent years in therapy, I’ve seen how this environment leaves lasting effects on children including mine.
Emotional Anxiety: Kids thrive on consistency. When love feels unpredictable, children may develop anxiety, always bracing for the next outburst. This is the reality of "walking on eggshells" in your own home.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Growing up in an unstable environment can make it harder to form healthy, trusting relationships later in life.
Struggles Managing Emotions: Without role models for healthy emotional responses, children may struggle to handle anger, sadness, or frustration.
Taking on Adult Roles: Some children become emotional supports for their high-conflict parents, robbing them of a carefree childhood.
Can High-Conflict Love Be Healed or Redirected?
These individuals often have deeply ingrained patterns, making lasting change unlikely without consistent effort and professional support. However, some strategies can help manage the situation and support the well-being of both the parent and child:
Therapy and Personal Growth: While it’s not guaranteed that a high-conflict parent will change, therapy can help them develop self-awareness and better emotional regulation. However, in many cases, like mine, the high-conflict parent may resist therapy, view it as a threat, or deflect responsibility, making it harder to improve the relationship. For change to occur, the individual must be willing to acknowledge their role in the conflict—something that is often a significant barrier.
Navigating High-Conflict Co-Parenting
Co-parenting with a high-conflict partner can be incredibly challenging, especially when counter-parenting (undermining the other parent) occurs. To protect your peace and your children, consider these strategies:
Move to Parallel Parenting: In high-conflict cases, "Parallel Parenting" is often more effective than traditional co-parenting. It limits direct contact and reduces the opportunity for conflict by allowing each parent to lead their own household independently.
Set Firm Boundaries: Focus on staying consistent and maintaining clear internal and external boundaries. Keep the focus entirely on the child’s well-being, not the other parent's drama.
Use Communication Tools: Apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents keep all communication documented and business-like. This creates a "paper trail" and keeps conversations focused solely on the kids.
Expert Resources: For a deeper dive into these tools, listen to my guest appearance on Jill Kaufman’s podcast, The Narcissist Proof Parent: Building Your Shield. As a therapist and coach, Jill offers a masterclass in building your "shield" against high-conflict dynamics.
Building a Support System for Your Child
Children in high-conflict households need stable, loving adults outside of the immediate family to act as a "buffer." These relationships offer the emotional stability needed to neutralize the impact of a turbulent home environment.
Who can help? Look for mentors, specialized counselors, or trusted extended family members who understand the situation.
The "Sanity Check": These adults provide a vital reality check for the child, helping them understand that the conflict is not their fault.
The Path Forward: While lasting change in high-conflict parents is rare, these external supports create the "safety net" children need to develop resilience.
Finding Peace Amid the Chaos
High-conflict parents may deeply love their children, but their emotional struggles often make that love feel unstable, leaving children confused and anxious. As I reflect on my own experience, I still don’t know if my dad truly loved me. For years, I’ve felt envy toward those with more loving, stable relationships. I spent years in therapy working through the aftermath of this dynamic. However, I was fortunate to have at least one parent who truly loved me in a way that provided the emotional support I needed.
The good news is that with the right support—whether through therapy, a stable parent, effective co-parenting strategies, or strong support networks—both children and supportive parents can find ways to cope and heal.
Love alone isn’t enough. Children need consistency, boundaries, and emotional safety to thrive. If you’re navigating this challenging dynamic, know you’re not alone.
Disclaimer: This blog reflects personal experiences and general observations. It is not intended as professional advice or a substitute for therapy, counseling, or medical care. If you are dealing with high-conflict relationships or other mental health concerns, please consult a licensed mental health professional.
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