Do High Conflict personalities love their children?
Love is supposed to be simple, especially between a parent and a child. But what happens when that love feels unpredictable, conditional, or even painful?
Growing up, I often found myself asking a question no child should ever have to wonder: Does my father truly love me? His unpredictable nature and hurtful actions left me doubting, while my mother’s steady love became my anchor in an otherwise turbulent world.
As an adult, I unknowingly repeated the cycle, marrying someone who shared traits with my father. We had children together, and over time, I began to notice troubling patterns in my ex-husband’s behavior. The same haunting question returned: Does he genuinely love our kids?
After our separation, his behavior became even more erratic and concerning. Friends would ask me, “How can a father treat his children this way?” Some even said, “Karen, maybe he doesn’t love them.” Deep down, I faced a painful truth: I’m not sure he does.
This realization led me to explore a question I never expected to ask: Do high-conflict individuals truly love their children, or is their love overshadowed by their struggles?
When we think of parental love, we imagine warmth, protection, and unwavering care. But with a high-conflict personality, love becomes tangled in unpredictability and chaos, making it nearly impossible to recognize.
As someone who grew up with a high-conflict parent and later married one, I’ve learned that while high-conflict individuals may feel love, their actions often distort and complicate how that love is expressed—or received.
What Is a High-Conflict Personality?
A high-conflict personality isn’t just someone who gets upset easily from time to time. It’s a pattern of behavior that creates constant tension and unpredictability for those around them. Imagine a storm: sometimes it’s calm, but you never know when the next gust of wind or thunderclap will strike. I would often say I felt like I was living with two different people, never knowing which one was going to show up.
Not everyone with these traits has a diagnosable disorder, like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). However, high-conflict individuals often share similar behaviors, such as:
Emotional Volatility: Frequent mood swings, shifting from affection to anger. For example, my ex often used DARVO tactics—Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender—to shift blame. (Read my blog on Understanding DARVO.)
Black-and-White Thinking: Viewing situations in extremes. You’re either completely with them or entirely against them, leaving no room for compromise.
Blaming Others: Avoiding responsibility for their actions, often justifying bad behavior by blaming others.
Controlling Behavior: Trying to dominate decisions, whether about parenting, custody, or daily life.
Living with someone with a high-conflict personality often creates a dynamic referred to as FOG—Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. These emotions can cloud judgment, making it harder to set boundaries or recognize unhealthy patterns. High-conflict individuals frequently use these feelings to maintain control, leaving family members feeling trapped in their chaos.
Can a High-Conflict Parent Truly Love Their Child?
High-conflict parents may love their children deeply, but that love often gets tangled up in their struggles with emotions and relationships. Here’s how it can play out:
Emotional Instability: Affection can swing unpredictably, leaving children unsure when they’ll be met with warmth or anger.
Overprotection and Control: What’s meant to be love may become suffocating control, hindering the child’s independence and growth. Think about the severe helicopter parents who can never let go.
Blaming and Defensiveness: Parents project their insecurities onto their children, making them feel responsible for the parent’s unhappiness.
Neglect: Emotional, physical, or financial needs may be ignored, as the parent’s turmoil takes precedence over the child’s well-being.
Lying and Manipulation: To protect themselves or control situations, a parent may lie or emotionally manipulate the child, leading to confusion and mistrust.
Triangulation: The child may be drawn into conflicts with the other parent, forced to take sides, or act as a messenger, causing emotional strain.
Parental Alienation: One parent deliberately undermines and damages the child's relationship with the other parent. This manipulation creates lasting emotional harm to
Abuse by Proxy: The child becomes a weapon used by one parent to control or harm the other parent after separation in family courts. Family courts increasingly recognize this as a serious form of ongoing abuse.
Coercive Control: A pattern where one parent uses custody arrangements and the children to maintain power over their former partner. This creates an environment of continued control even after separation.
How This Affects Children
As someone who lived through these dynamics and spent years in therapy, I’ve seen how this environment leaves lasting effects on children:
Emotional Anxiety: Kids thrive on consistency. When love feels unpredictable, children may develop anxiety, always bracing for the next outburst. It is for many walking on eggshells in their own home.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Growing up in an unstable environment can make it harder to form healthy, trusting relationships later in life.
Struggles Managing Emotions: Without role models for healthy emotional responses, children may struggle to handle anger, sadness, or frustration.
Taking on Adult Roles: Some children become emotional supports for their high-conflict parents, robbing them of a carefree childhood.
Can High-Conflict Love Be Healed or Redirected?
These individuals often have deeply ingrained patterns, making lasting change unlikely without consistent effort and professional support. However, some strategies can help manage the situation and support the well-being of both the parent and child:
Therapy and Personal Growth: While it’s not guaranteed that a high-conflict parent will change, therapy can help them develop self-awareness and better emotional regulation. However, in many cases, like mine, the high-conflict parent may resist therapy or deflect responsibility, making it harder to improve the relationship.
Co-Parenting in High-Conflict Situations: Co-parenting with a high-conflict partner can be incredibly challenging. If one parent is undermining the other (counter-parenting), tensions only rise, making things harder for both parents and children. You can watch my discussion on YouTube with Shauna Warden about Counter parenting here. The key is staying consistent, setting clear external and internal boundaries, and focusing on your child’s well-being. By providing stability and security, you can minimize emotional stress. Using a co-parenting app can also be very helpful in these situations.
Support Systems for Children: Children in high-conflict households need stable, loving adults outside of the immediate family, such as mentors, counselors, or extended family. These relationships can offer emotional stability and help buffer the negative impact of the high-conflict environment.
While lasting change in high-conflict parents is difficult, these strategies can help create stability and support the emotional health of both the parents and the children involved.
High-conflict parents may deeply love their children, but their emotional struggles often make that love feel unstable, leaving children confused and anxious. As I reflect on my own experience, I still don’t know if my dad truly loved me. For years, I’ve felt envy toward those with more loving, stable relationships. I spent years in therapy working through the aftermath of this dynamic. However, I was fortunate to have at least one parent who truly loved me in a way that provided the emotional support I needed.
The good news is that with the right support—whether through therapy, a stable parent, effective co-parenting strategies, or strong support networks—both children and supportive parents can find ways to cope and heal.
Love alone isn’t enough. Children need consistency, boundaries, and emotional safety to thrive. If you’re navigating this challenging dynamic, know you’re not alone.
Disclaimer: This blog reflects personal experiences and general observations. It is not intended as professional advice or a substitute for therapy, counseling, or medical care. If you are dealing with high-conflict relationships or other mental health concerns, please consult a licensed mental health professional.
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