How to Build a Strong Divorce Support System: 4 Essential Pillars
Divorce is one of the most challenging transitions a person can face, often upending every aspect of life. As someone who has spent years studying and working in the field of thanatology—the science of death, dying, and grief—I’ve seen firsthand how vital a solid support system is during times of profound change. Divorce is the death of a relationship that is often complex and messy and requires tools and strategies to help navigate the emotional, logistical, and practical challenges it brings.
One of the most effective tools I’ve used with clients over the years, and one we’ve included in our Just Separated Workbook, is called the "Four Pillars of Support." These pillars, originally rooted in the grief world, are critical for anyone going through a major life transition, including divorce. Let’s break down these pillars and explore how they can help you through the process.
1. Peers
The first pillar involves finding the right peer support. These are people who are also navigating or have already navigated the divorce journey. The right peers offer empowerment and helpful insights rather than constantly feeding anger or resentment. It’s important to surround yourself with peers who encourage growth and healing. Support groups, online communities, or even a trusted friend who’s been through it can make a big difference.
Having peers who understand your unique challenges can also help you avoid feelings of isolation. While some peers helped me see things and we helped each other, others only fueled anger and negativity, so choosing the right group is crucial.
2. Professionals
Divorce is not just an emotional process; it’s a legal, financial, and logistical one as well. Having the right professionals on your side is crucial. These might include:
A lawyer or mediator who understands your needs.
A divorce coach to help you strategize and stay focused.
A therapist to guide you through the emotional turmoil.
A financial advisor to help you navigate money matters.
When I found myself in a high-conflict situation, I had no idea how to strategize effectively. In my desperation, I hired the first lawyer I was referred to, but they turned out to be a poor match for my needs. Looking back, I realize how naive I was to assume my ex would be cooperative. If I’d had the guidance of a divorce coach, I would have been far better equipped to handle the realities of dealing with a high-conflict personality. Their expertise could have provided the clarity and direction I needed during such an overwhelming and confusing time.
3. Friends and Family
Support from friends and family can be invaluable during a divorce, but it’s important to recognize that not all relationships will serve you well during this time. While some friends might offer unwavering support, others—sometimes even family members—can unintentionally add to your stress or enable unhealthy dynamics.
Interestingly, the phrase "Blood is thicker than water" is often misinterpreted. The original quote suggests that bonds we forge in life, such as friendships, can be stronger than family ties. This is especially true during emotionally challenging periods like divorce, where the people who truly listen and provide genuine support make all the difference.
Divorce can also bring an overwhelming workload, particularly for those managing co-parenting responsibilities. Having a network of “Workers” (people who help), “Listeners” (those who empathize), and “Distractors” (those who help lighten the emotional load) can be essential. In the Just Separated Workbook, we guide readers through the "W.L.D." exercise to assess their relationships and focus on building a supportive, uplifting network.
By intentionally leaning on the right people—whether they’re friends, family, or chosen allies—you can create the foundation you need to navigate this challenging time
4. Yourself
The final pillar is perhaps the most important: you. Divorce is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, even amidst the pain. It’s essential to work through your emotions, set boundaries, and prioritize self-care. Journaling, meditation, exercise, and therapy are just a few ways to support yourself during this time.
Remember, you are the constant in your own life. Building resilience and focusing on personal growth will not only help you navigate the divorce but also set the stage for a stronger, healthier future.
Why the Four Pillars Are Critical for High-Conflict Divorces
I wish I had known about the Four Pillars of Support during my high-conflict divorce years ago. These cases often involve intense emotions, adversarial tactics, projection, and manipulation, which can leave you feeling isolated, exhausted, and emotionally drained.
Even in high-conflict situations, it’s easy to overlook the emotional weight of the process—where stress, anxiety, and frustration can feel overwhelming. The stakes are high, and the journey can often feel like an uphill battle.
The Four Pillars are essential in maintaining focus and protecting your well-being when you are going through a high-conflict divorce such as —Peers, Professionals, Friends & Family, and Yourself. From peers who provide solidarity and insight to professionals who anticipate and counter challenges, to supportive loved ones and prioritize self-care, these pillars equip you with the strength and strategy to navigate the heightened complexities of a high-conflict divorce. Understanding and leaning into this framework can make all the difference in regaining clarity and empowerment.
Putting It All Together
The Four Pillars of Support—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are a framework to help you stay grounded during divorce. These pillars balance external and internal support, ensuring you’re not navigating this journey alone.
Building and leaning on your support system isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a strategy for success. Divorce is tough, but with the right tools and people by your side, you can come through it stronger than ever.
If you’re looking for practical exercises and strategies to build your support system, check out the Just Separated Workbook. It’s designed to guide you through every step of the divorce process, helping you find clarity, empowerment, and hope for the future.
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