Why 'Knowing Who You’re Divorcing' Could Transform Your Divorce
Divorce is more than a legal process; it’s an emotional, personal, and often overwhelming journey. Emotions run high, coping systems are maxed out, and the stress of navigating an uncertain future can feel relentless. During this turmoil, one of the most powerful tools to manage this storm is clarity—understanding who you’re divorcing and who you are. This insight can guide your decisions and help you move forward confidently.
Over three years ago, Kirk, co-founder of Divorce Workshop, developed a simple yet powerful exercise to help people going through or considering divorce. Featured in our Just Separated: A Hands-on Workbook for Your Separation & Divorce, this exercise focuses on clarity: uncovering the dynamics of your relationship, your patterns, and how these will shape the divorce process. Why did he design this ‘workout” because he had no idea who he was divorcing and neither did I .
Why Is This Important?
Divorce is more than just paperwork. It’s deeply influenced by the personalities, behaviors, and patterns of the people involved. When you understand these dynamics, you’re better equipped to navigate challenges and make decisions that align with your needs and goals.
When I went through my divorce, I didn’t fully understand who I was divorcing—and I now recognize this as naïve. Over nearly two decades, I caught my ex in multiple lies always blaming me for everything. They prioritized their needs, always needed to win, and often thought highly of themselves. These realizations came in hindsight, but they could have helped me set clearer boundaries and protect myself emotionally and legally.
Kirk, too, has reflected on his divorce and shares a similar sentiment. We did not truly understand who we were divorcing at the time nor fully grasp how our patterns influenced the dynamic. Looking back, we both agree that having this clarity would have made an immense difference. We view this exercise as vital—it gives you the chance to uncover and reflect on these dynamics early, rather than learning them the hard way.
This isn’t about blaming your ex or yourself. It’s about gaining clarity and emotional preparedness so you can approach the divorce process strategically and with confidence
.A Taste of the Workout
This exercise encourages deep reflection on both your ex’s behavior and your patterns. Answering these questions honestly for both parties will help you uncover dynamics that might influence the divorce process. Here are some key areas to consider:
1. Fairness and Control
Was your ex generally fair, or did they tend to act controlling?
What about you? Were you fair, or did you sometimes act controlling?
2. Honesty and Trust
Are they likely to be honest during the divorce process, or do you anticipate manipulation?
Are you typically honest, or do you sometimes hide things to avoid conflict?
3. Conflict Style
How does your ex handle conflict—head-on or by avoiding it?
How do you manage conflict—by confronting it directly, avoiding it, or escalating it? Reflecting on these questions isn’t just about understanding your ex—it’s also about gaining insight into your behaviors and tendencies. This dual awareness helps you set realistic expectations and prepare emotionally and strategically for the road ahead.
Exploring Your Options
Once you gain insight into your dynamics, you can start considering the best path forward. Many people presume that traditional litigation is their only option, but this isn’t always the case. Litigation can be expensive, adversarial, and emotionally draining. Depending on your situation, alternatives like mediation or collaborative divorce may be more effective—even for those facing challenging dynamics.
For example, one client I worked with used this exercise to reflect on her ex’s tendencies and her strengths. With this clarity, she chose mediation. A skilled mediator helped her de-escalate tensions, resulting in a resolution that saved her significant time and money.
However, mediation or collaboration may not be suitable for every situation. In cases involving domestic violence, coercive control, financial manipulation, or extreme dishonesty, prioritizing your safety and legal protection is essential. A strong experienced litigation attorney or other specialized support may be necessary to ensure your rights and well-being are safeguarded. This exercise isn’t a guarantee of smooth sailing, but it equips you with the clarity to assess your situation realistically and prepare accordingly.
The point isn’t to rush to one path or another—it’s to think critically about who you are, who your ex is, and what approach best serves your needs.
Why This Matters
When you know who you’re divorcing, you can better anticipate their behavior and adjust your approach. When you know yourself, you can identify your triggers, strengths, and areas for growth. These insights help you:
Decide whether to pursue mediation, collaboration, or legal representation.
Set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being.
Approach the process with a clearer strategy.
For example, during my divorce, I realized too late how much my people-pleasing tendencies allowed my ex to dictate terms. I avoided conflict at all costs, which left me vulnerable. Looking back, I now see how they knew exactly who they were divorcing. They understood my patterns and used them to their advantage.
That experience taught me the importance of clarity—of knowing both myself and my ex. It empowered me to approach future decisions with more confidence and awareness.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Reflecting on who you’re divorcing—and who you are—is a transformative step. When I finally gained clarity, I started making decisions that aligned with my needs and values. That clarity became my foundation for rebuilding my life.
Divorce is one of life’s most challenging transitions, but it can also be a new beginning. By understanding the dynamics at play, you’re already taking a bold step toward a healthier, brighter future.
You’ve got this—and we’re here to help.
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