Feeling Overwhelmed by Divorce? Here's Why Pausing Can Change Everything
Whether you’re the one initiating the divorce or still deciding, the urge to act quickly can be overwhelming. However, the best first step is often to resist that impulse. Taking a moment to "sit still" provides both you and your ex with the space to emotionally settle and think more clearly. This pause doesn’t mean waiting months—it’s simply about creating a brief period of reflection before rushing into decisions you might later regret.
In my case, I deeply wish I had taken this pause. Instead, I reacted out of fear and haste, without fully understanding the dynamics of my marriage or my ex's behavior. Many of us in difficult or abusive relationships may not even realize the extent of the toxicity or who we’re dealing with until it’s too late. Had I been able to gain more insight into who I was divorcing or had more guidance, my approach to the divorce would have been much more strategic and I would have been better equipped to handle who I was divorcing.
Note: It’s important to recognize that in cases of domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, or extreme toxicity in relationships, pausing may not be an option. Your immediate safety and that of your children must come first, making swift action crucial. In such situations, seek help from a domestic violence advocate, family law attorney, or a support organization like a women’s shelter or crisis hotline. Prioritizing safety over strategy is essential, and professional guidance can ensure you take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your loved ones.
Why Taking a Pause Matters
Pausing before diving into the legal process of divorce is essential for several reasons:
Emotional Clarity: It helps you gain perspective, allowing for more thoughtful decisions.
Emotional Clarity: It helps you gain perspective, allowing for more thoughtful decisions
Avoiding Impulsivity: Time to reflect prevents hasty actions you may regret later.
Prevents Escalation: Pausing can stop the divorce from becoming more adversarial, leading to less conflict.
Gaining Perspective: It gives you a chance to consider the long-term impact of your decisions on your finances, living arrangements, and family dynamics.
Improved Communication: A break allows emotions to settle, making conversations with your ex more productive.
Self-Care and Reflection: The pause gives you time to heal, prioritize your well-being, and build emotional resilience.
Exploring Alternatives: Taking a step back may reveal alternatives like mediation or collaborative divorce, which can be less contentious.
Reducing Costs: Avoiding a rush into legal proceedings can save both time and money.
Protecting Children: If children are involved, a pause helps you consider how the divorce will affect them and how best to navigate the process.
Building Support: It gives you time to gather professional support, like a therapist or divorce coach, ensuring you make informed decisions.
By pausing, you create space for better decision-making, reducing emotional stress and long-term costs.
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Lessons Learned from Others
Throughout my divorce journey, I spoke with others who shared similar experiences. A common piece of advice was the importance of pausing before making decisions. Many regretted rushing into legal action, hiring the wrong lawyer, or not exploring alternatives earlier. I also learned that seeking support—whether from a therapist, divorce coach, or legal professional—can provide clarity and help you navigate the emotional complexities of divorce.
Engaging Legal Counsel Thoughtfully
Rather than rushing into legal representation, it’s crucial to take the time to evaluate your options. Start by considering the type of person you’re divorcing—are you parting ways with someone fair and honest or someone untrustworthy and contentious? The nature of your relationship can greatly influence the type of legal support you need.
If you’re divorcing amicably, mediation or collaborative divorce might be a good fit, offering a less adversarial, more cooperative approach. However, if your spouse is difficult, deceptive, or high-conflict, litigation may be necessary to protect your rights and interests. In some high-conflict situations, trained mediators are skilled at managing and negotiating with difficult personalities and can help you reach an agreement without resorting to a prolonged court battle. It’s important to consult and interview both litigation lawyers and trained mediators to fully understand which option is the best fit for your circumstances.
Taking the time to assess your situation and choose the right type of legal support can help prevent unnecessary conflict and ensure a more successful outcome for you and your family.
Considering the Impact on Children
Divorce deeply affects children, and pausing before making decisions helps prioritize their well-being. In my case, the process moved too fast, and the high-conflict nature of my divorce made it even more challenging to create co-parenting plans or focus on my children’s needs. Looking back, I wish I had taken more time to consider how best to shield them from the conflict and provide stability. You can read a blog about how your children grieve in divorce.
Key Considerations:
Thoughtful Co-Parenting: Use this time to create parenting plans that focus on their best interests.
Maintaining Routine: Stability in daily life helps children adjust more easily.
Seeking Support: A child therapist or family counselor can provide valuable guidance during this transition. Taking time to reflect ensures your decisions support your children’s emotional health and long-term stability.
Emotional Stability: Shield them from unnecessary conflict and provide consistent reassurance.
Managing Grief and Self-Care
Divorce is a significant loss, and it’s essential to prioritize emotional and physical self-care during the process. Many people I’ve spoken with wish they had taken better care of themselves emotionally and physically instead of becoming overwhelmed by the legal aspects of their divorce.
Despite having a degree in this field, I was still surprised by the depth of grief I experienced—and continue to experience, even years later. It’s not grief for my ex but for the sense of failure and the realization of who I was married to all those years. These feelings can catch you off guard, no matter how prepared you think you are.
In Retrospect
Looking back, I wish I had paused rushing into my divorce. Taking that time to reflect would have allowed me to make more informed decisions and approach the situation with more clarity and strategy, even when dealing with a high-conflict personality. While conflict may have been inevitable, pausing could have helped me manage it more strategically, find the right lawyer, and avoid escalating situations unnecessarily.
In my experience, as well as with others and clients I have worked with, taking the time to reflect, explore all options, and seek the right support can make a world of difference. Divorce is a difficult journey, but it doesn’t have to be a battleground. By stepping back, you can still create a path forward that’s less emotionally draining and more empowering for your future.
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