Finding Joy After Divorce: When You Feel Like the Fifth Wheel
There's a moment after separation that no one really talks about. It's not the big moments - signing papers or moving out. It's the quiet ones, like standing on a deck at a family gathering, hearing your wedding song drift through the air, and feeling your heart crack just a little bit more.
I know this moment intimately. I lived it.
The Deck That Changed Everything
Have you ever felt like you no longer fit in after your separation? I remember the exact moment that feeling hit me. It was during my first trip up north to visit my sisters and their families after my marriage ended. I had been to this annual gathering many times before—often without my ex—but this time, everything felt different. I wasn't just attending alone; I felt alone, like a puzzle piece from a different box.
That evening, my sisters and their husbands planned a night out at a concert. In the past, I would have gone without a second thought. But this time? The thought of being surrounded by couples felt like too much to bear. So, I stayed back.
Earlier that day, as I stood on the deck listening to music playing from inside, a familiar tune drifted through the air - one of my wedding songs. Before I could even process the wave of emotion rising inside me, one of my sisters casually said, "Oh, that was one of Karen's wedding songs."
A lump rose in my throat. My chest tightened. Tears welled in my eyes.
When Worlds Collide
The irony wasn't lost on me. As a grief counselor, I've sat with countless widows and widowers as they shared similar stories of feeling out of place. They'd tell me about birthday parties where they stood alone, or family gatherings where they felt like they were watching life through a window.
I remember one client, a widower, who gathered his courage to attend a wine-tasting party by the water just three months after losing his wife. He had always enjoyed these wine parties but was hesitant to go but thought ok let's give it a try - a chance to step back into the world. But within minutes of arriving, the weight of reality hit him: every other guest was part of a couple. Fighting back tears, he turned and walked away, the waterfront celebration continuing behind him, oblivious to his quiet exit.
I thought I understood when he shared this story with me. I had nodded and held space for his pain. But standing on that deck, his words - and the words of so many others - took on new meaning. While my journey was different - I had chosen to end my marriage - the feeling of displacement, of no longer knowing where you fit in the world, felt achingly familiar.
Finding Your Way When Everything Feels Different
Through my journey and my years of walking alongside others in grief, I've learned some gentle truths about navigating this new territory. Here's what helps:
1. Honor Your Feelings
During divorce, especially when feeling like the “fifth wheel,” it’s easy to dismiss your emotions. But all of them—relief, sadness, anger, confusion—are valid. I experienced both relief from leaving an abusive marriage and deep feelings of failure. I had to learn to accept these messy emotions and let them come and go as they would. Embrace your feelings without judgment. They’re part of the healing process, even when they don’t make sense right away.
2. Listen to Your Heart About Boundaries
On that trip, I skipped the concert. Some might say I should have pushed myself to go, but I knew what I needed that night - quiet, space, and time to breathe. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is honor our limits, even if others don't understand. Note: Try not to say no to everything.
3. Find Your People
One of the hardest parts of divorce is finding others who truly understand. It’s important to connect with people who have gone through similar experiences. Joining support groups or seeking out empathetic friends can help you feel less isolated and offer the support you need as you navigate life after divorce.
4. Create New Rituals or Routines
Divorce offers the opportunity to create new habits that reflect your independence. For example, when I went grocery shopping after my divorce, I felt a sense of freedom knowing I could buy what I wanted—not what we used to buy as a couple. My kids and I even decided to reduce our meat consumption, which felt like a fresh start. While these changes might not be big rituals, they helped us establish a new routine and a sense of control over our lives.
5. Be Gentle With Yourself
Divorce is a rollercoaster, and it's important to practice self-compassion throughout the journey. Some days you'll feel strong and independent, while other days, you might need to leave a party early or cry in your car. Both are okay. Both are part of the healing process. Be kind to yourself, recognizing that healing isn't linear and it's okay to have ups and downs.
For Those Who Feel Like the Fifth Wheel
If you're feeling out of place in your own life, know you're not alone. Adjusting to being on your own after so many years in a relationship can feel isolating. The moments when you realize you're now facing things solo, from social gatherings to everyday tasks, can be overwhelming. But this is a season, and with time, it will soften.
As someone who's both counseled others through loss and walked this path myself, I can tell you this: the feeling of being the “fifth wheel” doesn’t last. When I was in that space, unsure and disconnected, I never imagined I'd feel whole again. But I did in time. By acknowledging those feelings and allowing myself to heal, I found strength I didn't know I had.
Moving Forward
One day, you'll look back and realize you’ve grown. The loneliness won't feel as sharp because you'll know you're stronger and more resilient. Until then, take it one moment at a time, and be patient with yourself.
I'm here with you on this journey—both as someone who helps others through grief and divorce, and as someone who’s been there. You may feel lost now, but soon, you'll find your own path forward.
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