How People-Pleasing Impacts Your Divorce: Breaking Free from the Cycle
My Story: The Trap of Always Giving
I’ve always been a people-pleaser, and even now, I still struggle with it. Looking back on my marriage, I realize how much it wore me down. I became burnt out, resentful, and just wanted out of the toxic and abusive relationship.
Interestingly, my people-pleasing didn’t stop after I left. During the long, drawn-out separation and divorce, I kept falling into the same patterns—saying "yes" when I wanted to say "no." Learning to say no was challenging. Many of you might relate to this experience.
Even after my marriage ended, I found myself helping him move out—cleaning, organizing, and still walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation. One moment stands out: a few months post-separation, he asked me to buy chocolates for his mother’s birthday since he wouldn’t be available. Despite the years of mistreatment from both him and his mother, I agreed. Afterward, I was furious with myself. That was the turning point when I realized something had to change.
Throughout my marriage, I constantly sacrificed my time, boundaries, and emotional well-being, thinking it would make things better. But instead of improving our relationship, it left me feeling drained and unappreciated. I remember bending over backward to make my ex happy, only to feel overlooked and undervalued in return. While his actions played a role, I also contributed by entering the marriage with low self-worth and unclear boundaries. I believed that if I just did more, things would change—but they never did.
Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?
Many people-pleasers trace their behaviors back to childhood. If you grew up in an emotionally unsafe environment, you might have learned that keeping others happy was a survival strategy. This behavior, which helped you avoid conflict or gain approval back then, can be harmful as an adult.
People-pleasing isn’t about kindness; it’s a fear-based coping mechanism. Driven by the fear of rejection, conflict, or not being loved, we often put our own needs and boundaries aside to maintain peace.
It’s also common for people-pleasers to end up with controlling or abusive partners who exploit these tendencies. I didn’t realize how much I was enabling this dynamic until my marriage with a high-conflict ex began to fall apart. I sacrificed my dreams, well-being, and identity in a futile attempt to maintain peace. Only during my divorce did I fully grasp the damage caused by these patterns.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up During Divorce
During a divorce, people-pleasing can manifest in several harmful ways:
Struggling with Boundaries: Feeling guilty about setting limits, often sacrificing your well-being to avoid feeling like a burden. For many people-pleasers, enforcing boundaries takes work and practice.
Avoiding Conflict: Yielding to demands during negotiations or co-parenting discussions just to keep the peace, even if it harms you. I knew my ex would be challenging, and I avoided confrontations I should have faced head-on.
Neglecting Your Own Needs: Putting emotional support, financial independence, and self-care on the back burner.
Feeling Burnt Out: Giving more than you receive leads to exhaustion and resentment.
I thought that if I kept giving in, the tension from the separation would eventually ease. Instead, I became more angry and resentful for all the sacrifices I made, chasing a false sense of calm.
The Hidden Costs: Burnout, Resentment, and Loss of Self
For many people-pleasers, burnout is a familiar feeling. After my divorce, I realized I had lost touch with my own identity after years of making choices based on others’ happiness rather than my own. This realization came with anger, contempt, and relief that I got out of that marriage. I had to acknowledge my role in this dynamic to reclaim my power.
People-Pleasing vs. Kindness: What’s the Difference?
For a long time, I thought people-pleasing and kindness were the same thing, but after digging deeper, I realized they’re not. The key difference lies in the motivation behind the actions:
People-Pleasing: Driven by fear—“I’m doing this because I don’t want to upset you or lose you.”
Kindness: Given freely—“I’m doing this because I genuinely care, without expecting anything in return.”
For years, I believed I was being kind, but in reality, I was acting out of fear. True kindness comes from a place of inner strength and self-confidence, not fear or obligation.
The Path to Empowerment: Embracing Boundaries
Learning to set boundaries was transformative for me after my divorce. Although setting limits can feel selfish, it’s essential for protecting your well-being. Boundaries are about prioritizing yourself, a concept that might be new for many. While uncomfortable at first, they pave the way for healthier relationships.
In our workbook, Just Separated: A Hands-on Workbook for Your Separation & Divorce, we offer practical ‘workouts’ to help you establish and maintain these vital boundaries. These exercises guide you through real-life scenarios, helping you build the tools needed to protect your emotional well-being during this challenging time.
The Power of Saying No
For people-pleasers, saying “no” can seem impossible. I used to believe that saying no meant letting someone down. However, each time you say no to something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying yes to yourself. Learning to say no was a pivotal moment in my healing journey, allowing me to reclaim my energy, time, and sense of self.
Building Self-Trust Again
Rebuilding self-trust is crucial for breaking free from people-pleasing. Start with small acts of self-advocacy—whether it’s asking for what you need or standing up for yourself in minor situations. These small steps help restore your confidence and remind you that your needs are important.
Freeing yourself from people-pleasing is possible. By setting boundaries, learning to say no, and rebuilding your self-trust, you can reclaim your power and begin living for yourself.
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