Divorceworkshop Blog
The Medusa Moment: Why People-Pleasers Experience Sudden Explosive Rage
How appeasing became our family heirloom, and why stopping the cycle is the greatest gift we can give our daughters.
For a long time, I thought appeasing people was just part of who I was—a mix of kindness, empathy, or simply a desire to keep the peace. It took decades for me to start figuring myself out, and lately, watching my own daughters' behaviors, to realize the truth: appeasement isn't a personality trait. It’s an inherited survival mechanism.
Why I Stayed So Long in a Toxic Marriage,and What Finally Made Me Leave
As a mother of two young adults, I often find myself deeply contemplating the choices that led me to endure my toxic marriage for almost two decades. Having grown up in a high-conflict divorced family, I convinced myself that I could manage the complexities of staying in a deeply challenging relationship. I was determined not to repeat the past. I feared my children might experience the same chaos I lived through, and because of that fear, I poured endless energy into “making it work.”
How People-Pleasing Impacts Your Divorce: Breaking Free from the Cycle
I’ve always been a people-pleaser, and even now, I still struggle with it. Looking back on my marriage, I realize how much it wore me down. I became burnt out, resentful, and just wanted out of the toxic and abusive relationship.
Interestingly, my people-pleasing didn’t stop after I left. During the long, drawn-out separation and divorce, I kept falling into the same patterns—saying "yes" when I wanted to say "no." Learning to say no was challenging. Many of you might relate to this experience.
Even after my marriage ended, I found myself helping him move out—cleaning, organizing, and still walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation. One moment stands out: a few months post-separation, he asked me to buy chocolates for his mother’s birthday since he wouldn’t be available. Despite the years of mistreatment from both him and his mother, I agreed. Afterward, I was furious with myself. That was the turning point when I realized something had to change.