Why I Stayed So Long in a Toxic Marriage,and What Finally Made Me Leave
A personal story of fear, guilt, people-pleasing, and the moment clarity finally arrived.
The Early Beliefs That Kept Me in a Toxic Marriage
As a mother of two young adults, I often find myself deeply contemplating the choices that led me to endure my toxic marriage for almost two decades. Having grown up in a high-conflict divorced family, I convinced myself that I could manage the complexities of staying in a deeply challenging relationship. I was determined not to repeat the past. I feared my children might experience the same chaos I lived through, and because of that fear, I poured endless energy into “making it work.”
But with time, I’ve realized just how high the cost of that decision really was.
The Hidden Cost of Staying: What It Took From Me
When I look back on my marriage, I see clearly now that it was marked by toxicity and emotional abuse. There were only a few positive moments to hold onto, and slowly, almost unknowingly, I surrendered too much of myself.
The emotional toll.
The mental exhaustion.
The physical impact.
The high cost was everywhere — and I didn’t see it clearly until much later. Even with all of that, the decision to leave was still not simple.
When Fear and Low Self-Esteem Become Barriers to Leaving
Leaving was not easy. I hadn’t worked in many years, he was the provider, and my self-esteem was at rock bottom. I remember lying in bed, planning my escape, but even the idea of getting a part-time job terrified me. Both of my parents had died when my children were very young. I had no safety net, no one to fall back on, nowhere to go.
And I knew I was the primary parent. That responsibility weighed heavily. Every decision I made had to center on my children, even when I felt completely depleted.
The Moment My Children Saw the Truth Before I Did
The turning point came over six years ago when my 19-year marriage finally blew up. By then, my children were young teenagers, old enough to see what I tried so desperately to hide.
My eldest daughter, always perceptive, absorbed the unhappiness that filled our home. At just 11 years old, she said quietly, “Mom, you are so unhappy.” I brushed it off. I told her everything was fine.
Three years later, she approached me again, this time with clarity that pierced through every illusion I had held onto:
“Mom, you need to divorce.”
That moment shattered me. It was the wake-up call I had been avoiding. It filled me with guilt, but also undeniable truth. My attempt to protect them by staying was doing more harm than good. However I was literally trapped, both my parents had died and I had no safe place to land, so I needed to make a plan which I did.
Why It Took Me Eight Years to Decide to Divorce
The choice to end a marriage is never simple. Like so many people in uncertain relationships, I lived with two conflicting truths:
“I can endure this.”
“I can’t endure this anymore.”
I rationalized his behavior constantly:
“He had a difficult childhood.”
“He works so hard.”
“He doesn’t mean it.”
As Dr. Ramani often explains, people experiencing emotional abuse become experts at justifying it. It took me eight years, longer than the average five, to reach my breaking point. But when you’ve invested years, share children, made vows, and fear the unknown, hesitation becomes its own trap.
The Signs My Body Was Giving Me — and How Long I Ignored Them
The clues had been there for years, but I ignored them.
Relief when he didn’t come home for dinner.
Relief when he went away for weekends.
Relief when he couldn’t make it to family events.
And then one moment exposed everything: Driving home from a wonderful week with my children and our dog, I suddenly felt tense, agitated, even panicked. Half an hour before we reached home, tears poured down my face.
My body knew long before my mind was ready to admit it:
I didn’t want to return to that environment.
I Didn’t Have a Plan — And That’s More Common Than You Think
I wish I could tell you that the day I decided to leave, I had a well-organized plan. I didn’t. I felt like a fish out of water, making mistakes, stumbling through unfamiliar steps, learning as I went.
But that unpreparedness, the fear, the confusion, the overwhelm, became one of the seeds that grew into the Divorce Workshop. I wanted to build the resource I desperately needed but didn’t have.
The Guilt of Wondering How It Affected My Children
Even now, I carry the worry of how the marriage and the divorce impacted my children. Growing up in a high-conflict divorced family myself made me hyper, aware of how this transition could shape their futures.
I worried then. I worry still.
But I also know that staying in pain doesn’t protect children it teaches them to tolerate pain.
Understanding Why I Stayed: People-Pleasing and Trauma Responses
Years of self-work have helped me understand why I stayed so long. I have strong people-pleasing tendencies (the fawn response), a trait that makes it easy to get entangled with high-conflict, narcissistic personalities. I excused behaviors I shouldn’t have. I minimized my needs. I over-functioned.
With the guidance of my grief professional background, I also recognize that staying in this toxic environment created layers of grief, non-death losses that are often overlooked, from the loss of my sense of self to the loss of a safe emotional home for my children. There is a huge amount of grief involved in this abusive marriage and people pleasing that is only now getting attention, though long felt within me and many others.
But I’ve learned to approach myself with compassion. We are all flawed. We all get stuck. And so many are navigating the same patterns.
Life After Leaving: A Quieter, Calmer Home
Leaving didn’t magically fix everything. My kids needed support from therapists and friends. I needed my own healing. But slowly, our home transformed.
The quiet felt different, not tense or heavy, but peaceful.
For the first time in years, we could breathe. However it has taken me years to unravel and understand what I lived through and my body was and still is today at times in trauma response.
How My Experience Sparked the Creation of the Divorce Workshop
In 2021, the Divorce Workshop and the Just Separated Divorce Workbook were born from this journey, from the fear, the mistakes, and the realization that no one should have to navigate divorce unprepared.
Through coaching and the workbook, we aim to give people the emotional, legal, and financial tools I desperately needed. Preparation doesn’t erase pain, but it creates clarity, and clarity is empowering.
Upcoming Resources for People-Pleasers
Understanding my people-pleasing tendencies was pivotal in my healing. To support others, we are hosting a mini free workshop on people-pleasing January 28 2026, designed to help individuals recognize patterns, set boundaries, and reclaim their voice in relationships.
You can also listen to the People pleasing podcast coming out Tuesday January 13 that dives deeper into these challenges, sharing stories, strategies, and guidance for anyone naviga
A Final Reflection: Choosing Peace Over Pain
Looking back, staying caused more damage than leaving ever did. Leaving wasn’t a failure — it was an act of protection, for myself and for my children. Today, our lives are calmer. We are healing. We are rebuilding.
And I am grateful I finally listened to the truth my body, my children, and my intuition had been telling me for years:
You deserve peace.
If you’re struggling with people-pleasing or high-conflict relationships, know that support is available, and it’s possible to reclaim your peace. Join our free mini workshop on people-pleasing on January 28, 2026, to start recognizing patterns, setting boundaries, and finding your voice.
The Just Separated Workbook is Available on Amazon Worldwide!
Divorce can feel overwhelming, but the right support makes all the difference.
Just Separated: A Hands-on Workbook for Your Separation and Divorce is your go-to guide for navigating the emotional, legal, financial, and co-parenting challenges of divorce. With practical exercises and expert insights, you can find clarity, regain confidence, and take control of your next chapter, without needing to read cover to cover.
💡 Start today: Download a free 22-page sample and see how Just Separated can support you on this journey
