Grieving an Ex-Spouse: Understanding the Unspoken Loss
Have you ever paused to consider how you might react when news arrives of your ex-partner's death? It's a question that might not have crossed your mind, but it's one that can carry profound emotions. For some, the idea of an ex’s death might bring relief—perhaps even a sense of longing for closure. For others, it can stir up unexpected sadness.. And for most of us, we often find ourselves somewhere in the middle—confused about our grief and seeking ways to help our children navigate this complex terrain.
This type of grief, experienced by the divorced party, can be messy and complicated. Some may feel intense emotions, while others experience gentler, yet perplexing feelings. The outside world may not fully understand why you're grieving, but the truth is, that people's reactions to the death of an ex-spouse can vary widely. You may get comments like, "Why are you upset? You said leaving them was the best thing you ever did" or "You haven't talked in years, so why are you upset?"
Back in the 1980s, grief in the context of divorce was rarely discussed. Yet, we now know that divorce is indeed a form of loss, but years ago, people were silently grappling with their own divorce grief during those times, even if they couldn't articulate it.
My story
I distinctly remember a phone call from years ago that reshaped my perspective on this very matter. The call bore the weighty news of my father's sudden heart attack. The twist, however, lay in the backdrop of my parents' history—a history marked by a messy and tumultuous divorce. At the time, my mother happened to be visiting me, engrossed in a book on the couch. As I received the life-altering call, my mother's response was both simple and profound: "Oh, I am sorry for you and your sister," she gently offered, followed by the caring inquiry, "Is there anything I can do?" That was the extent of her words, or at least all I can recall. Little did I know, or perhaps understand then, that my mother, too, may have experienced her own complex emotions—emotions I remained oblivious to, as I was enveloped in my own acute world of grief. In those moments, I had no inkling at that time that divorced individuals could harbor grief over the death of their ex-spouse. I had simply thought, "Well, they hate each other."
This experience was a revelation, underscoring the intricate and often surprising emotional landscape surrounding the death of an ex-spouse. Despite the convoluted history that had defined my relationship with my father, the journey through grief that followed was one for which I felt ill-prepared. It wasn't until years later, while pursuing my degree in Thanatology, that I delved into the concept of disenfranchised grief, a term that led me to reflect back on that pivotal day when my father died. It prompted me to wonder whether my mother, too, might have silently navigated her own unspoken realm of grief, which we now recognize as disenfranchised grief.
Understanding Disenfranchised Grief
While I was studying at the University of Western, I learned a lot about Dr. Kenneth Doka, a world-renowned professor of thanatology, therapist, and author. It was there that I was introduced to the concept of 'disenfranchised grief,' which highlights the often-overlooked mourning experiences of individuals who face losses society doesn't readily acknowledge or validate, including those who are divorced and grieving the loss of an ex-spouse.
In the context of divorce, disenfranchised grief occurs because societal norms and expectations tend to focus on the legal dissolution of the marriage rather than the emotional bonds that may persist. When a couple divorces, their emotional connection and shared history don't always end abruptly. Feelings of loss, longing, or even relief can emerge, but these emotions often go unacknowledged or dismissed by society because the relationship has officially ended on paper. Many divorced people who may be grieving this loss are not sure where they can actually grieve. Are they allowed to go to the funeral? Is society going to let them talk about their grief openly or do they think, 'Well, you are divorced, why are you sad?'
Dr. Doka's work reminds us that the emotions and grief following divorce can be complex and significant, even if they aren't readily recognized by others. The concept of disenfranchised grief underscores the importance of acknowledging and providing support for individuals experiencing this type of grief, just as we would for more socially accepted forms of loss, like the death of a loved one. It emphasizes the need for empathy and understanding when people navigate the emotional aftermath of divorce.
Why We May Grieve
Grieving the death of an ex-spouse is a complex and multifaceted process rooted in various emotional factors. Beyond the primary reasons such as enduring love, shared history, caring for the same people, and reflections on what could have been, additional factors contribute to this unique form of grief. Unresolved issues or lingering conflicts, unfulfilled dreams and plans, a sense of loss of identity, impacts on shared friendships, ongoing financial or practical ties, and a reevaluation of past choices all play roles in this intricate emotional landscape. These diverse reasons underscore the individualized nature of grief after the loss of an ex-spouse, highlighting the profound impact of such relationships on our lives even after divorce and death.
The Brain Connection and Grief
Additionally, the grieving process can be further complicated by the way our brains form neural connections with the people we have emotional bonds with, including our ex-partners. These neural pathways are created through shared experiences, memories, and emotions from the time we spent together. When an ex-partner dies, it can stir up a range of emotions, even if the romantic relationship has ended. These emotions may include grief, sadness, regret, or even relief, depending on the nature of the past relationship. The neural pathways connected to that person can act as triggers, bringing back memories and emotions associated with the ex-partner.
In essence, the presence of these neural pathways means that the impact of an ex-partner's death is not solely about the present but is influenced by the emotional history shared with that person. This is why the death of an ex-partner can be emotionally complex and challenging to navigate, as it rekindles the neural imprints of the past.
Impact on your new partner or spouse
Navigating the impact of grief over an ex-spouse's death on your new relationship requires patience, empathy, and open communication. Your current partner may experience a range of emotions and uncertainties, from feeling insecure to not knowing how to provide the right support. By acknowledging their feelings, validating their concerns, and maintaining a healthy balance between your grief and your relationship, you can strengthen the bond you share and navigate this challenging journey together, ultimately fostering a deeper connection and resilience in your new relationship
Navigating Disenfranchised Grief After the Death of Your Ex
Many people don’t realize that grief comes in many forms, not just sadness. Naming your grief can help you process it. In our Just Separated workbook, there is a comprehensive list of divorce and grief, and you will be surprised how many you may be experiencing.
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Validate that you are feeling a loss and recognize that your grief is valid. It's okay to grieve the loss of the relationship and the person who was once an integral part of your life.
Seek Support: Find a support network that understands and validates your grief. This could be friends, family, a divorce coach, a therapist, or a divorce support group. Talking about your feelings can help immensely.
Supporting Your Children: If you had children together, you may need to support them through their grief as well as your own.
Attending the Funeral: There's no rulebook for attending a former spouse's or partner's funeral. If you have children together, consider their needs. If your ex remarried, communicate with the newer spouse and family to determine what would work best.
Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to manage your emotional well-being. This includes exercise, mindfulness, and activities that will help decrease your anxiety and stress hormones.
Allow Time for Healing: Grief doesn't adhere to a strict timetable. Allow yourself the time and space you need to integrate your grief.
Disenfranchised grief after divorce is a real and often unacknowledged experience. It's essential to remember that your feelings are valid, and seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. By recognizing and addressing your disenfranchised grief, you can take steps toward healing and move forward with your life after divorce.
To this day, I remain uncertain about whether my mom grieved his death or not, and I never broached the subject. Her death occurred two years later, leaving me without the opportunity to seek her perspective now. Looking back, if she had expressed sorrow over the news at the time, it would have puzzled us all. With the benefit of hindsight, we now appreciate that there may have been some complexity in her emotions regarding her ex's and my father’s death.
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