How to Handle Boundary Testing from a High-Conflict Ex After Divorce
There’s plenty of advice about the importance of boundaries during divorce. For many, setting firm limits is essential to moving forward. But what’s not always discussed is how antagonistic or narcissistic exes will continue to test those boundaries, sometimes long after the divorce is finalized.
For those of us coming from abusive childhoods or high-conflict marriages, "setting a boundary" isn't just a communication tool, it can feel like a safety risk. When dealing with a narcissistic personality, we must realize that a boundary is often viewed as a target. Telling them what hurts you can unintentionally hand them a manual on how to destabilize you.
Divorce isn’t just a legal process; it’s an emotional and psychological shift that requires redefining your relationship with your ex. While some expect pushback during separation, many don’t realize how persistently a high-conflict ex may challenge co-parenting boundaries. Even those who recognize their ex’s controlling tendencies may be caught off guard by how relentless these behaviors can be. High-conflict personalities often escalate their actions to maintain influence.
Understanding Boundary Testing
Adjusting to life after divorce takes time. Setting and enforcing boundaries is a learning process. However, the more high conflict an individual is, the less likely they are to respect the limits you set.
Boundary testing is a tactic used to gauge your response and determine whether old patterns of control still work. It is a way for a narcissistic ex to see if you will revert to past behaviors of compliance.
Some common reasons high-conflict individuals test boundaries include:
Control & Power Struggles: Your ex insists on choosing your child’s extracurricular activities without consulting you, despite shared custody. When you push back, they accuse you of being "difficult" to wear you down.
Emotional Dysregulation: After a disagreement, they bombard you with angry late night texts, demanding an immediate response because they can’t manage their frustration, or keep calling you about your children’s behaviors.
Seeking a Reaction: They show up unexpectedly at a family event, knowing it will upset you, just to watch you get flustered or angry.
Avoiding Accountability: They repeatedly drop the kids off late, then blame you for being "too rigid" when you call it out.
Habitual Pattern of Behavior: Even after the divorce, they keep making financial demands, knowing you used to give in to avoid conflict.
Fear of Losing Influence: When they find out you're dating someone new, they suddenly start interfering with your parenting time more often to reassert control or some will try to ruin your new relationship.
Recognizing these tactics can help you stand firm in your boundaries and avoid being pulled into unnecessary conflict.
Internal Boundaries: The Unspoken Challenges
If you grew up without boundaries, you might not even realize you have the right to say "no." For many of us, survival meant having no walls at all. This is why internal boundaries are the most critical tool in a high-conflict divorce.
While an external boundary is a limit you set with someone else (like a parenting schedule), an internal boundary is a limit you set for yourself. It is the mental shield that protects your sense of worth and emotional capacity, even when an antagonist is trying to breach it.
High-conflict individuals use FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) to push past your limits. They don't need to agree with your boundary for it to be valid. They may try to trigger anger or guilt to get you to "comply" or over-explain yourself.
When your ex continuously tests your boundaries, it can feel overwhelming and exhausting. But the key to managing these situations is reinforcing your internal boundaries—knowing what you are willing to tolerate and keeping your peace regardless of the external chaos.
Example: The Power of the Internal Shift
Sarah’s ex, Mark, often demands last-minute schedule changes. In the past, she felt guilty and adjusted to avoid conflict. Now, she sets an internal boundary: she is not responsible for managing Mark’s emotions or accommodating unreasonable demands.
When Mark texts, “I need to switch weekends. You can take the kids this Friday instead,” Sarah responds: "I’ve already made plans, so I won’t be able to switch. Let’s stick to our agreed schedule."
Mark tries to guilt-trip her (the "G" in FOG): “Wow, I thought you cared about the kids.”
Instead of justifying or engaging—which would give Mark a "manual" on how to upset her—Sarah protects her emotional space and ends the conversation: "I’m not available to change weekends. See you at pickup on Sunday."
By holding her internal boundary, Sarah refuses to accept the guilt he is trying to project. She isn't just changing her words; she is changing her internal reaction.
Other ways to Respond Effectively
Be Assertive, Not Confrontational
When your ex tests boundaries, it’s crucial to stand firm without escalating the situation. Assertiveness means communicating clearly and confidently without aggression. Instead of reacting emotionally, respond in a calm, neutral tone.
Instead of: "You always do this! Stop trying to manipulate me!" ️ Try: "That arrangement doesn’t work for me. Here’s what I’m comfortable with.”Retrain the Dynamic
Your ex is used to you responding in a certain way whether it’s giving in, over-explaining, or trying to keep the peace. Now, it’s time to break that pattern. If they expect you to justify every decision, stop explaining.
If they expect you to accommodate unreasonable demands, politely decline. Over time, they will learn that their usual tactics no longer work.Progress Takes Time, Give Yourself Grace
Breaking old habits is hard. There may be moments when you fall into old patterns or second-guess yourself—that’s okay. Every small step, like saying “no” to an unreasonable request or refusing to engage in an argument, is a victory. Each time you stand firm, you reinforce your independence.Therapy and Support Systems Matter
If boundary testing leaves you feeling anxious or uncertain, working with a therapist or coach can help you build confidence. A strong support network—friends, a coach, or a divorce support group, can remind you that you are not alone.
Moving Forward
When I went through my own divorce, I didn’t fully understand the importance of boundaries. Though I had a sense that I was divorcing someone with a high-conflict personality, I didn’t recognize it at the time. Trusting your gut is key. With high-conflict personalities, boundaries can feel nearly impossible, but the first step is awareness, recognizing the situation for what it is and building the right support system around you.
Regaining control over your decisions is a journey. By identifying boundary testing for what it is, responding assertively, and consistently reinforcing both your internal and external boundaries, you begin to reclaim your power.
It won’t happen overnight, and there may be setbacks along the way, but with patience and support, you’ll find yourself standing stronger, feeling less controlled, and moving forward on your own terms.
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