Holiday Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Balancing Front Stage and Backstage Roles
The holiday season is here—a time of joy, reflection, and, for many, emotional challenges. If you're navigating co-parenting during a divorce, this time of year can amplify both the good and the hard. It’s a season filled with festive events, family gatherings, and traditions—but also with moments that might feel bittersweet or even overwhelming.
Have you ever had to put on a brave face and play nice with your ex in public? It can feel like starring in a soap opera or winning an Oscar—minus the fame or fortune. However, that’s exactly what co-parenting often is: a balancing act of emotions where you have to keep your cool for your children’s sake.
The Front Stage: For Your Children’s Sake
Picture this: you’re at your children’s holiday concert or a festive event. You’re trying to appear composed and cheerful, but inside, you’re feeling like a boiling pot of emotions. Maybe your stomach is in knots, or you feel restless and tense. Perhaps seeing your ex walk in hits you like a wave, forcing you to grapple with a delicate situation right at the moment.
I know I’ve been there. At times, I was fidgety, quiet, and tense, trying to find the strength to navigate those interactions. It’s moments like these when the concept of the front stage comes into play.
The front stage is the space where you act for the sake of your children. It’s where you muster your best self—putting on a smile, setting aside personal feelings, and focusing on creating a positive environment for your kids. During the holidays, when emotions can run high, this role may feel especially difficult but also incredibly important.
Think of it as preparing for a performance. Take time to rehearse beforehand, planning how you’ll act and what you’ll say. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to navigate these moments with grace.
I also encourage you to reward yourself afterward. Whether it’s a holiday concert, an event, or any situation where you need to “act” for the sake of your children, giving yourself a small treat can make a big difference. You deserve recognition for the effort it takes to prioritize their happiness and stability.
The Backstage: A Safe Haven for You
But no one can stay on stage all the time. That’s where the backstage comes in—a vital part of divorce recovery and self-care. The backstage is where you can let off steam, vent about your frustrations, and just be real without worrying about your kids overhearing.
The holidays are a great time to lean into this concept. Whether you’re feeling nostalgic, angry, or just plain exhausted, the backstage provides a safe, private space to process those emotions. Find places where you can truly let go—whether it’s on a trusted family member or friend’s couch, with a divorce coach or therapist, among supportive peers, or by simply doing things for yourself.
To navigate this season successfully, consider creating a robust backstage support network, which I call the four pillars of support:
Family and Close Friends: Those who know you best and can offer unconditional support.
Divorce Peers: People who understand your struggles because they’ve been through them too.
Professionals: Divorce coaches, counselors, lawyers, and mediators, who provide expert guidance.
Self-Care: Activities that nurture your well-being and help you integrate your experiences.
A Tool to Help You Through
The concept of the front stage and backstage isn’t just an idea—it’s also a practical workout in our Just Separated Workbook. This exercise is designed to help you identify how to balance these two vital spaces in your life. The front stage prepares you for public moments, especially with your children or ex, while the backstage offers a haven to process emotions, vent, and recharge.
A Season of Reflection and Grace
High-conflict situations in front of your children can cast a long shadow over holiday memories and beyond. As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I often wished my parents could have won an Oscar—or even a People’s Choice Award—for their co-parenting efforts. In reality, what they practiced was more like counter-parenting—a dynamic that can be incredibly challenging to navigate (for more on counter-parenting, check out Insights in Divorce on YouTube). They didn’t know then what we know now: the long-term consequences of conflict on children. Shielding your children from these moments is a profound gift, though not an easy one. The “front stage” allows you to protect their joy and stability, while the “backstage” offers you the space to heal and grow. This is a simple metaphor that is easy to remember and practice.
The holidays often amplify these challenges, but practicing “front-stage acting” isn’t just for special occasions—it’s a skill to carry with you throughout the co-parenting journey, even when it feels impossibly hard.
As twinkling lights and festive music fill the air, remember that you’re not alone in these struggles. The holiday season, while heavy at times, also holds space for creating new traditions, finding quiet moments of peace, and taking small steps toward healing.
Take time this season to nurture your support system. Whether through moments of solitude or by confiding in a trusted friend, your “backstage” is where you can reconnect with your strength and resilience.
Wishing you peace, strength, and moments of joy this holiday season.
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