Divorceworkshop Blog
Why You Can’t "Just Leave": The Biology of LifeTheft™ and Learned Helplessness
Leaving a toxic marriage isn't a matter of willpower; it’s a matter of nervous system regulation. This post explores how "Learned Helplessness" and childhood LifeTheft™ create a state of paralysis, and why your first four attempts to leave were actually necessary "stress tests" for your eventual freedom.
We often hear the question, "Why didn't she just leave?"
Why Do I Still Yearn for My Ex After Divorce?
I recall the first few months following our separation. A profound sense of relief, anxiety, and grief washed over me as I finally broke free from this nearly 2-decade grueling marriage. Yet, with this newfound freedom, there was at times, a lingering urge to chat with him, and at times it persisted. I would, over the years, turn to him in moments of great stress. About four months after our separation, I encountered a scam phone call that left me shaken. This incident remains clear in my memory: a fraudulent call from the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA), threatening legal repercussions about my taxes. They got me worked up and scared as I was never involved with taxes. I got off the phone, and in a moment of panic, I instinctively reached for the phone and called him. However, the harsh reality soon dawned on me—he was no longer that person. It was an instinctual thing that I had done for many years regardless of the type of support I got back. Despite enduring 19 tumultuous years together, the dissolution of our marriage left me unsettled. What I did not know back then that I do know is I was losing my secure base and safe haven, even if it was not that strong of one.
Why Confidence Often Drops After Divorce, Even When You Wanted It
I remember lying in bed a year and a half before my divorce, thinking, I can’t even get a part-time job at the local variety store. I was once well educated, with a degree and a post-grad diploma, yet I felt completely worthless. My confidence had been eroded for years and years, and I did not even realize it.
Many factors influence confidence after divorce, but what’s interesting is how rarely we talk about this side of it. The divorce world often highlights freedom, fresh starts, and empowerment. And while those things can be true, there’s another side that doesn’t get enough space: the quiet collapse of confidence that so many people experience, even when they were the ones who initiated the divorce.
Why “Sitting Still” Is the Smartest First Step in Divorce
As a mother of two young adults, I often find myself deeply contemplating the choices that led me to endure my toxic marriage for almost two decades. Having grown up in a high-conflict divorced family, I convinced myself that I could manage the complexities of staying in a deeply challenging relationship. I was determined not to repeat the past. I feared my children might experience the same chaos I lived through, and because of that fear, I poured endless energy into “making it work.”