Why “Sitting Still” Is the Smartest First Step in Divorce
Divorce Is 95% Emotional—Why That Matters
You’ve probably heard the saying that divorce is 95% emotional and only 5% legal. It’s true. Divorce is a life-altering experience that activates deep emotional responses—shock, anger, grief, betrayal, fear, and sometimes complete overwhelm.
When I look back, I had no idea how powerful a simple pause—a moment of “sitting still”—could be. My divorce began with a massive fight. I was exhausted from years of trying to leave, and when the moment finally came, I acted fast. Too fast.
I hired the first lawyer I met, convinced that urgency meant protection. Only later did I realize that my impulse-driven decision set the tone for a more adversarial, stressful process than necessary.
I know what you’re thinking: “If I pause, they’ll win.”
But high-conflict/narcissist divorces thrive on chaos. By taking a strategic breath, you aren’t being passive; you are being disciplined. You are refusing to dance to a tune you didn’t write. A pause allows you to:
Vet your experts instead of grabbing the first name you see.
Gather your documents with a clear head.
Choose a path based on your future, not your current fear.
Start Documenting When things move too fast, details get lost. A pause gives you the space to organize emails, texts, and financial records. In a high-conflict divorce, documentation is your greatest witness.
When we are in a high-conflict situation, our biology works against us. Most people rush because they’re emotionally flooded, and no one tells them that pausing is an option.
But it is. And it matters more than you think.
The Rush to Legal Action
When divorce is announced, one or both people often jump immediately into hiring lawyers. It feels proactive. It feels protective. It feels like the “right” first step.
I did exactly that. I chose the most imposing lawyer I could find, without exploring other professionals or discussing what approach might work best for both of us.
As the initiator, I wanted movement now. But my urgency unintentionally put my ex-spouse into a defensive stance. That early dynamic can set the stage for a combative divorce, higher costs, and long-term emotional fallout.
This rush is extremely common, but rarely strategic.
What “Sitting Still” Really Means
“Sitting still” doesn’t mean months of delay, avoidance, or dragging things out.
It means:
pausing briefly before reacting
grounding your nervous system
allowing the initial shock to settle
giving yourself emotional breathing room
making decisions from clarity, not fear
You cannot force your spouse to pause. But you can model stillness and approach the early stages with calm intention.
This short pause often makes the difference between a cooperative divorce and an unnecessarily contentious one.
Reflection: The Step Most People Skip
During this brief window of stillness, you have the opportunity to reflect on:
the impact on your children
financial realities
living arrangements
emotional safety
long-term goals
whether mediation or a collaborative approach is possible
Most people never reflect, they react, it is hard to sit still especially if you are divorcing a antagonistic personality.
In my case, divorce was clearly the only path. But by skipping reflection and leaping straight into litigation action, I made decisions rooted in fear instead of strategic thinking. I had no idea who I was divorcing even though I had an inkling. If I had taken time to understand the dynamics, interview professionals, and calm my system, I could have avoided many avoidable mistakes.
How Fear Drives Impulsive Decisions
The instinct to hire a litigation lawyer immediately is often fear-driven:
fear of losing assets
fear of conflict
fear of being taken advantage of
fear of the unknown
fear of emotional pain
Fear is valid. Fear is human. But fear should not be in the driver’s seat of your divorce strategy. A pause helps shift your mindset from protective panic to informed preparation.
Why Litigation Shouldn’t Be Your First Move
High-conflict/Narcissist divorces do exist, and some situations absolutely require a strong legal response and that also means taking a breath and finding the right lawyer and you need a solid support team.
However, for the most part many divorces are not high conflict/narcissistic. Most people are just highly emotional. Emotions feel like danger. They convince us that we need a warrior to defend us.
But in many cases, other approaches like mediation or collaborative divorce lead to less conflict, fewer costs, and more stable outcomes, especially when children are involved. No matter the pathway, the pause helps both parties approach the process with clarity rather than reactivity.
How Pausing Reduces Future Conflict
Failing to pause can turn divorce into an emotional battleground. On the other hand, a grounded, intentional pause allows you to:
avoid making fear-based promises
learn your rights before negotiating
create a plan instead of react
communicate more effectively
make decisions that won’t haunt you later
It’s the first step toward a divorce that is less adversarial and more cooperative.
How the Pause Protects Your Children
Every decision you make during divorce has a ripple effect on your children.
A pause gives you space to:
separate your emotions from your parenting
avoid placing your children in the middle
choose long-term cooperation over short-term victory
model emotional regulation
Your children benefit when you take time to ground yourself.
What to Do During the Pause (A Simple Checklist)
Use this time to thoughtfully build your foundation:
✔︎ Regulate your emotions
Deep breathing, support systems, nervous system grounding.
✔︎ Avoid making promises in the acute phase
Don’t agree to anything before you understand the implications.
✔︎ Learn your rights
A consultation is fine—signing is different.
✔︎ Interview professionals
Coaches, therapists, mediators, financial specialists.
✔︎ Explore mediation or collaborative options
Don’t assume litigation is the only path.
✔︎ Understand each person’s pace
Initiators want fast movement; recipients often need more time to adapt.
✔︎ Prioritize well-being
Nutrition, rest, movement, and emotional support matter here.
My Biggest Divorce Regret
Looking back, I wish someone had told me:
“You don’t have to act today. You are allowed to sit still.”
My rush into legal action, driven by fear and adrenaline, created unnecessary conflict and financial strain.
A short pause would have given me clarity. It would have helped me make thoughtful decisions. It would have reduced conflict and opened the door to a more cooperative experience.
Final Thoughts: Sitting Still Is Not Passive—It’s Powerful
In divorce, “sitting still” is not weakness and it is not avoidance. It’s a strategy.
It protects your emotional health.
It leads to better decisions.
It reduces unnecessary conflict.
It supports your children.
It creates space for clarity, reflection, and healing.
Most importantly, it helps you move through divorce not just legally separated, but emotionally grounded—and ultimately, emotionally free.
I wish I had known its power when I went through mine.
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