Regret After Divorce: Understanding and Navigating the Emotional Struggles

I remember sitting in my therapist’s office, saying, "I don’t want any regrets. Maybe if we try couples therapy, I’ll know I did everything I could." At the time, it felt like the right thing to do—one last attempt to fix what was broken. But I didn’t realize then that I was with someone who would never take responsibility, someone who twisted every issue into being my fault. Even in therapy, when the counselor gently pointed out something he needed to address, he immediately turned it back on me.

I had hoped therapy would work, not just for myself, but for the years I had invested in this marriage and for the sake of our children. But looking back, I see things differently. Knowing what I know now, I can see it never would have worked.

Have you ever wondered, "Am I going to regret getting a divorce?" or "I regret I ever got married?" If so, you’re not alone. These thoughts often surface during the emotional and mental fallout of ending a marriage. Divorce can bring up intense feelings of grief and regret, but understanding why you feel this way and how to process those emotions can help you move forward with clarity and peace.

Looking back, I sometimes ask myself, was it worth it? A few months after that therapy session, after yet another heated argument filled with manipulation and lies, I finally had enough. I walked away, knowing deep down that I couldn’t keep living like that. And for a while, that thought helped me sleep at night: No regrets.

But that wasn’t entirely true. Over the years, I’ve wrestled with plenty of regrets, just not about leaving him.

Divorce isn’t just about grieving a relationship; it’s also about reckoning with regret. Regret about marrying the wrong person. Regret about staying too long. Regret about not trying harder, or about how everything unfolded in the end. It’s a powerful emotion, and if left unchecked, it can keep you trapped in the past.

Regret Is a Part of Life

Everyone experiences regret about relationships, career choices, things left unsaid, or paths not taken. It’s part of being human. When it comes to divorce, regret is widespread because of the high stakes—marriage is meant to last, and its end can leave you questioning everything.

Research shows that regret tends to fall into four main categories:

• Foundation Regrets – Feeling like you didn’t build a strong enough foundation in your relationships, finances, and health, leading to doubts about whether you tried hard enough.

• Boldness Regrets – Wondering if you should’ve made bolder decisions—perhaps leaving sooner or making more drastic changes.

• Moral Regrets – Feeling like you didn’t live up to your values or standards during the marriage.

• Connection Regrets – Regretting lost relationships or the impact of the divorce on children, friends, or extended family.

Understanding these types of regret can help you identify the emotional roots of your feelings and make it easier to navigate the healing process.

Why Do We Feel Regret After Divorce?

Regret is the mind’s way of looking back and asking, “What if?” It’s a natural response to major life changes, especially those that come with emotional pain and uncertainty. Some common reasons regret surfaces during and after divorce include:

• Emotional Turmoil – The end of a marriage triggers intense emotions like grief, anger, anxiety, guilt, and depression. Some days, you may feel relief. On other days, you may feel overwhelming sadness. I remember one moment screaming at my ex in the car, so angry and fed up. And another, walking my dog in the forest, tears streaming down my face. The emotional rollercoaster is real.

• Impact on Children – Parents may underestimate the effects of divorce on their children. Watching them struggle can bring up deep regret, even if the marriage was unhealthy.

• Financial Consequences – Adjusting to a single-income household or dividing assets can create financial strain. Many people, especially women, may experience a reduced standard of living after divorce, which can sometimes lead to feelings of regret. However, research shows that despite lower income levels, many women report feeling healthier and emotionally better after leaving their marriage. This suggests that financial challenges, while significant, don’t always outweigh the benefits of leaving an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship.

• Loneliness – The absence of companionship from a former spouse can lead to feelings of isolation. Some people miss having a partner, even if the relationship itself is unhealthy. 

• Stigma and Social Rejection – Divorce can bring judgment from friends, family, or cultural expectations. Some people feel isolated from social events or unfairly labeled, adding to their regret. You can read my other two blogs 50 years later Divorce Stigma is still here and Finding Joy After Divorce: When You Feel Like the Fifth Wheel

• Unresolved Personal Issues – Some people realize that personal issues or negative patterns they brought into the marriage continue to affect them post-divorce. This can create regret, as they question whether leaving truly solved their problems.

Grief vs. Regret: Key Differences

When we face loss, we often experience powerful emotions, but not all emotions tied to loss are the same. While grief and regret may overlap, they come from different sources and affect us in distinct ways. Understanding the differences can help us process these feelings more effectively. Below, we explore how grief and regret differ in their focus, emotional tone, and potential for personal growth

Grief

• Focuses on loss (e.g., relationships, shared futures)

• Emotions include sorrow, sadness, anger, anxiety, and sometimes acceptance

• Processing involves emotional waves and gradual healing

• Can lead to resilience and meaning-making

Regret

• Focuses on self-blame and internal choices

• Emotions include guilt, frustration, and self-criticism

• Often involves rumination and excessive self-reflection

• Can lead to self-improvement if processed well

For example:

• Grief might be missing the life you shared with your spouse.

• Regret might be questioning whether you stayed too long or could have done something differently.

Unlike grief, which naturally softens over time, regret can become a cycle of self-judgment that keeps you stuck in the past.

How to Move Through Regret After Divorce

1. Accept That You Did the Best You Could at the Time
   Hindsight is clear, but at the moment, we all make choices based on what we know, feel, and have the capacity for. Show yourself the same kindness you would offer a friend. When I married, I was young and naive, and I didn’t fully understand what I was marrying into. I’ve had to show myself compassion, acknowledging that I made the best decision I could at that time.

2. Recognize That Regret Is Part of Healing
   Feeling regret doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice—it means you’re human. Divorce is complex, and it’s normal to second-guess things, especially when emotions are raw. Understanding that regret is a part of the healing process can help you approach it with kindness.

3. Turn Regret Into Learning
   Instead of viewing regret as a punishment, use it as a tool for growth. Ask yourself, “What have I learned about my boundaries, needs, and desires in a relationship?” This reflection can help turn regret into valuable life lessons.

4. Let Go of the ‘What Ifs’
   Regret often keeps us trapped in an alternate reality—imagining how things might have turned out if we’d made different choices. But the truth is, the past can’t be changed. Focus on creating a future that aligns with the person you are now.

5. Forgive Yourself
   Self-forgiveness is essential. Whether it's for mistakes made during the marriage, the divorce itself, or time spent in an unhealthy relationship, forgiving yourself is key to healing. Letting go of guilt and self-blame enables you to move forward with peace.

6. Seek Support
   Regret can be isolating, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Talking to a therapist, coach, or someone who understands your experience can provide you with perspective and help you process your feelings without self-judgment.

7. Acknowledge That Regret Is a Universal Human Experience
   All humans experience regret at some point. Instead of seeing regret as a burden, acknowledge it as a part of life and a step toward personal growth. Moving forward with compassion, resilience, and self-awareness is a powerful way to embrace your future.

Moving Forward Without Regret

Regret is a natural part of life, but it doesn’t have to hold you back. By learning from the past and focusing on what’s ahead, you can step into this new chapter with clarity, strength, and self-compassion.

Divorce is an ending—but it’s also a beginning. And you deserve to step into it with peace.

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Are you Ready to move on After Divorce?

Divorce can feel like chaos — and then one day, it finally quiets down.
But that quiet doesn’t always mean you’re fully healed.

You might feel clearer, more focused, even more like yourself again.
But deep down — are you truly in recovery, or just hoping you are?

✨ Take our 3-minute quiz: “I’m Ready.”
Find out if you’re genuinely ready to rebuild your life.
Or if there’s still something holding you back.

🔎 Get an honest look at where you are right now,
so you can take your next step forward with confidence.

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