Hardship or Manipulation? The Child Support Loophole No One Talks About
When my ex claimed “financial hardship” to reduce or not pay his child support payments, I was shocked, but not entirely surprised. For years, he earned a six-figure income in retail. Then, during our separation, his story changed. He said he could no longer afford to contribute.
He cited his heart attack, valid for a bit, but years later. He mentioned having to repay a loan. He said he was grieving the loss of his mother. And while I don't doubt some of that was true, I also heard, through others, that he had recently traveled to Europe, was regularly playing golf, bought 2 e-bikes, and brought home a large dog with significant upkeep costs.
Meanwhile, I was left covering all the essentials: school fees, extracurriculars, special school trips, groceries, clothing, the list went on and on. The truth is, he hasn’t paid any child support in years because he has had “hardship”.
This blog isn’t about airing personal grievances. It’s about raising awareness of how the “hardship” card is used in high-conflict divorces, not always as a reflection of genuine need, but as a strategy to avoid financial responsibility.
My Experience—A Pattern I Recognized Early
I wasn’t surprised when he claimed hardship; I’d seen the pattern long before the divorce. After earning a six-figure salary for years, we separated, and he suddenly stopped working steadily and moved in with a parent. For years, there was no consistent employment, just sporadic work, and I had no idea what he was doing for income. Eventually, he moved in with a new partner, but the hardship claims continued.
The Emotional Toll
It wasn’t just the lack of financial support; it was the way it was framed. As though I should understand. As though caring for our children on my own, without help, was just part of the deal. And while he played the hardship card, I was left questioning whether the system would ever hold him accountable.
What Is a ‘Hardship’ Claim?
Most family laws include a way for a parent who pays child support to ask for a reduction or pause in payments if they’re truly struggling financially. This might be because of a serious illness, job loss, or other major life changes that make it hard to pay. For example, in Canada, this is called “undue hardship.” In the U.S., the rules vary by state but often allow changes when a parent’s financial situation has changed significantly. Other countries like the UK and Australia have similar protections too.
The idea is to support parents who really can’t meet their obligations, but unfortunately, in some high-conflict divorces, this system can be taken advantage of to avoid paying what’s owed.
When Hardship Becomes a Strategy
In my case, and many others, especially in high-conflict divorces, hardship claims are sometimes less a cry for help and more a tool for control or avoidance. The patterns are familiar:
A parent who once earned a high income suddenly reports dramatically reduced earnings, often without a clear explanation.
Their lifestyle doesn’t match their claims: vacations, recreational spending, new pets, or luxury purchases continue.
They voluntarily take lower-paying jobs despite their qualifications or previous roles.
Payments are delayed or denied while they insist they’re “doing their best.”
Emotional reasons are offered to mask financial withholding, creating confusion or guilt for the caregiving parent.
The result? The caregiving parent is stretched emotionally and financially, while the payor maintains a narrative of victimhood.
I’ve seen this strategy repeatedly, especially when the parent avoiding support was once a high-end professional who chose to work part-time, often citing stress or injury without a clear cause. In one striking example, a parent claimed they had no money to pay child support, yet showed up at the courthouse driving a new Porsche. Many use tactics like these successfully to avoid taking full financial responsibility.
The Legal Landscape - A Global Pattern
What surprised me most was discovering how widespread this issue is. Parents in Canada, the United States, the United Kingdom, Australia, and much of Europe report similar experiences. While laws differ by country, the tactic remains the same.
In Canada, courts can impute income, that is, assign income to a parent based on what they could reasonably be earning, if that parent is found to be intentionally underemployed. My lawyer and I considered this option with my ex, but the cost was too high for me to bear, so we didn’t proceed. In the United States, state laws vary, but many allow judges to assign income based on earning capacity. The UK’s Child Maintenance Service investigates cases where a parent’s lifestyle doesn’t match their reported income. Similarly, family courts in Germany review living standards and financial records in detail. Australia also has legal processes to address hardship claims and income discrepancies.
In all these places, the burden of proof often falls on the parent receiving support, like me, which can be a difficult and exhausting process involving gathering evidence, filing motions, and attending hearings
Why It Matters
This isn’t just about responsibility or fairness; it’s about the best interests of the child. When a parent uses “hardship” to avoid paying support while still living comfortably, it isn’t just neglectful; it can be a form of financial abuse, emotional abuse, and coercive control.
Withholding financial support needed for a child’s care, education, and well-being puts the child at risk. It creates stress, instability, and insecurity, conditions that no child should have to endure.
In my experience, this pattern goes beyond legal battles; it’s about power and control. It’s a manipulation that harms not only the parent left to provide but the children who deserve better.
What You Can Do If This Is Happening to You
If you’re navigating this situation, here are a few things I’ve learned, some the hard way:
Save everything. Keep texts, emails, bank statements, and any documents that show discrepancies between their hardship claims and their spending or lifestyle. This evidence can be crucial.
Watch for patterns. Notice if the same excuses, like sudden job loss, health problems, or financial hardship, keep repeating without a clear resolution. Repeated patterns can be a sign of manipulation.
Track income and employment. Courts can impute income if they see a parent is intentionally underemployed or avoiding work. Keeping records helps build your case.
Consult a family lawyer. Even one meeting can provide valuable clarity and guidance on your options and how to proceed.
Trust your intuition. If something feels off, it probably is. You don’t have to have all the facts to know when something isn’t right.
Connect with other parents. Sharing experiences can provide support, advice, and help you feel less alone in this process.
One of the biggest challenges many parents face is getting clear information about the other parent’s employment or income. In my case, I could never obtain his employment contracts or detailed work history, which made it nearly impossible to prove what he was really earning or doing. Without that transparency, it becomes much harder to challenge false hardship claims.
If you’re in a similar position, it’s important to document what you can, such as lifestyle inconsistencies, and consider working with a lawyer who knows how to request this information through legal channels.
Genuine hardship exists, and it should always be taken seriously. But when “hardship” becomes a loophole, used to manipulate, delay, or avoid financial responsibility, the system must do better. And so must we, in how we talk about it, recognize it, and support those affected.
If you’ve been through this, I see you. I understand the frustration, the fear, and the exhaustion. This happens far more often than we talk about, and that silence only benefits those misusing the system.
Raising awareness is one small way to push back and to reclaim some of the power that high-conflict divorce often takes away.
Disclaimer: This blog is based on personal experience and is intended for informational purposes only. It is not legal advice. For guidance specific to your situation, please consult a qualified family law professional in your area.
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