When You’re the One Who Does Everything: The Housework Divide That Breaks Marriages
I remember reading a story about a woman who had been married for 30 years. She did everything—raised the kids, built a career, and kept the household running. One day, after they’d just come home from being out, her husband walked into the house, sat down in the family room, and demanded dinner.
She stood there, took a deep breath, made dinner, and then quietly walked into her bedroom, packed a bag, and left for good.
I read that story a year or so before I left my marriage, and almost a decade later, I still remember how I felt when I read it. I was tired, full of resentment. Fed up and exhausted from this 19-year marriage.
We don’t leave because of one moment. We leave because of the weight of a million moments that came before it.
I remember years ago reading an article that calculated how much a stay-at-home mom would earn if she were paid for her work. I shared it with my ex. He laughed. I didn’t register it fully at the time, but now I see how deeply disrespectful and hurtful that moment was.
And often, it’s those kinds of moments—quiet dismissals, invisible labor, and being the only one who notices and does what needs doing—that slowly burn us out in a relationship that feels anything but equal.
The Research Confirms What We Know in Our Bones
The reason I decided to write this blog was a recent long-term study out of the University of Alberta that followed 520 people from their mid-twenties to age 50. It found that the housework divide, the unequal distribution of chores, barely changed over time. I was angry and frustrated. I had hoped things would have improved. But the study found that women carried more of the load at 25, and still carried it at 50.
More frustratingly, when the couple had children and both parents were working and stretched, women’s workloads increased, while men’s contributions decreased.
One of the researchers, Dr. Matthew Johnson, said:
“Once these patterns are set early in the relationship, they tend to persist.”
And that’s what makes it so hard. I remember saying early in our marriage that I didn’t iron shirts. That didn’t go over well. But by the time the marriage was over, there wasn’t much my ex did to help with anything. He wouldn’t even put his dishes in the dishwasher. Even though I had been growing frustrated for years, and even when I asked over and over again, nothing changed.
The truth is: if you’re waiting for your partner to step in, step up, and start seeing the invisible load you carry, it likely won’t happen unless they choose to make a real and intentional effort to change. My ex didn’t want to change, at least not for me.
It’s Not About the Dishes
Many men think it’s just about the dishes. But it’s not.
It’s about doing everything, and still being asked for more. It’s about the mental load: the birthdays remembered, the groceries stocked, the appointments booked. It’s the emotional labor of keeping everything running: being the counselor and cheer squad, handling school concerns, organizing activities, and extracurriculars.
You’re holding all that together, and your husband wants you to be sexy for him? At times, it’s just too much.
It’s about asking for help and being told, “Just tell me what you need,” as if spelling it out isn’t yet another job. It’s about the slow, painful realization that you’re living with someone who expects to be taken care of, not to take part. I know. I lived it.
From his dirty socks left in the family room (and me muttering, “What do you think, the cleaning fairy lives here?”), to never—not once—emptying the dishwasher or starting a load of laundry. He enjoyed being looked after, and who wouldn’t? And as a people pleaser, I got sucked in big time. The more I did, the more he took.
The Patterns Don’t Shift Themselves
The study found something else, too: if you're not happy with the way things are divided, that unhappiness won’t just fade with time. If anything, it gets heavier.
I can relate to that. Things just got worse and worse, and I found myself not wanting to spend any time with him at all.
Even one of our children left a note on the kitchen counter asking him to please clean up after he ate and wipe the counters. The note also asked him, when coming home late, to try not to make so much noise. He didn’t respond, didn’t acknowledge her note, and didn’t change anything.
As Dr. Johnson said:
“If you're unhappy with the arrangement, you have to do something to change the pattern.”
And for many of us, change didn’t come inside the relationship. It came after we left.
For the Women Still Carrying It All
If this is your life, if you’re holding it all together, feeling exhausted, unseen, or resentful, I want you to know:
You’re not wrong to want a partnership.
You’re not overreacting.
And you’re not alone.
Whether you stay and try to make changes, or leave and start again, it’s OK to want a relationship that doesn’t just love you, it should support you.
Are you a People Pleaser, Diplomat, Challenger, or Terminator?
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