Why It Only Feels Good 10% of the Time: The Truth About Toxic Relationships
Have you ever found yourself clinging to the few good moments in your relationship, the smiles, the intimacy, the laughter, while ignoring the long stretches of silence, tension, or emotional pain?
You’re not alone. Many people in emotionally abusive or toxic relationships describe their experience as “walking on eggshells,” unsure what mood they’ll come home to, constantly trying to avoid setting off a reaction.
And yet... they stay. Like I did.
Why? Because when it’s good, it’s really good. It’s the 10% that feels like sunshine after a storm. The make-up sex. The flowers. The apology. The “I miss you.” The vacation photo where you both look happy. It’s that sliver of time that keeps hope alive.
But what about the other 90%?
The Emotional Loop That Keeps You Hooked
Toxic relationships often follow a predictable cycle, something many people don’t even realize they’re caught in. It goes like this:
Tension builds → Explosion (yelling, insults, silent treatment) → Honeymoon phase (apologies, promises, affection, gifts) → Calm → Then it all starts again.
This is known as the Cycle of Abuse, and one of its most powerful tools is intermittent reinforcement, when love, kindness, and connection are offered just enough to keep you hooked.
You feel relief. Maybe even loved. Just like a slot machine, you never know when you’ll hit the jackpot of affection again. So you keep pulling the lever. You keep trying. You keep hoping.
However, intermittent reinforcement is just one aspect of the cycle. The tension, the explosion, the guilt, the brief high of reconciliation, they all work together to trap you in a loop that gets harder to escape the longer you’re in it.
How Trauma Bonding Begins Without You Realizing
At first, you’re chasing those feel-good moments, an apology, a warm night, a glimpse of the person you fell for. That’s intermittent reinforcement. But over time, those rare “wins” don’t just keep you playing, they create a deeper emotional tie.
That’s how trauma bonding starts.
And once you’re in it, it’s no longer just about hope; it’s emotional survival. You feel stuck in the casino, drained and exhausted, but convinced the next pull might change everything.
I remember one fight when he completely lost it. He yelled and attacked me in front of the neighbors because I was not strong enough to help him put a big machine in his car, calling me weak and stupid. I was so angry and embarrassed that I left and went into the house.
A few hours later, he walked back in and handed me a Starbucks coffee. No apology. No acknowledgment. Just a coffee, as if that smoothed everything over.
And the worst part? I drank it. I took that coffee as some kind of peace offering, telling myself, “I guess this is his way of saying sorry.”
That was one of my slot machine moments, a flicker of kindness after emotional harm. The kind of moment that keeps you hoping for more. And I stayed because sometimes, even a coffee feels like love when you're starving for it.
Why You Can’t Just Walk Away (Even When You Want To)
Toxic relationships are held together by a mix of powerful forces that make it hard to break free.
Emotional abuse slowly chips away at your self-worth, leading you to believe you deserve less than what you truly need.
Gaslighting convinces you that the problem isn’t them, it’s you.
Financial control might make you feel trapped, as if leaving isn’t an option.
The fear of being alone, starting over, or not being believed can paralyze you.
And then, there’s love. Or at least, the version of them that shows up during the good 10%. Those rare, golden moments, the ones that make you believe things can be different.
But it’s not just love that keeps you trapped; it’s the psychological cycle that plays out through intermittent reinforcement, which keeps you emotionally hooked even when the rest of the relationship is harmful.
I remember when my mom was dying, and he didn’t show up to support me, instead, he went to his hockey tournament. I was devastated and felt completely betrayed and alone. Then, weeks later, he said he would clear out her apartment for me. It wasn’t the support I had hoped for, it didn’t soothe the emotional betrayal I felt. But I found myself justifying it. Maybe he didn’t know how to cope. Maybe this was his way of helping. That’s the cycle.
Even when the moments of affection or kindness are fleeting, you find yourself holding onto them. You try to rationalize behavior that doesn’t meet your emotional needs, convincing yourself that it was a sign of care, or that it was just a bad moment and things will be better next time.
You begin to focus on that small sliver of affection, disregarding the emotional harm or neglect, believing that the love you once experienced will eventually return. But in reality, it’s a cycle that pulls you deeper into a relationship that isn't fulfilling or healthy.
Can This Relationship Be Fixed?
It’s a fair question. Many people in this position want to give it one more shot, especially when there are children, years of history, or a deeply rooted trauma bond.
But here’s the truth:
Lasting change only happens when both people are fully committed to it. If your partner refuses help, denies there’s a problem, or blames you for everything, change is unlikely.
Staying in a cycle of harm doesn’t make you stronger.
It slowly breaks you down, and you will never be able to get your nervous system regulated.
You Deserve More Than 10%
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh my god, this is me”, please hear this clearly:
Love is not supposed to feel like a survival instinct.
You deserve peace.
You deserve joy that doesn’t come with a side of dread.
You deserve to feel safe in your own home and your own heart.
That 10% is not proof that the relationship is worth saving. It’s proof that you still remember what love is supposed to feel like.
Hold onto that.
Check out “Divorce Trauma and C-PTSD: When the Pain Doesn’t End After It’s Over” with Sara Fischer Sanford, LCSW, CCTP-II on the Just Separated podcast
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