Torn Apart: My Journey of how I lost my Son to Divorce
I can't help but replay those cherished moments in my mind - his first steps, the projects we worked on, and all the laughs we had together. It's been years since I've seen or spoken to my youngest son, and the pain is like a wound that refuses to heal. This is the grief of ambiguous loss, a silent agony that often goes unnoticed and unspoken in society.
Divorce can be a brutal battlefield, and amidst the wreckage of a failed marriage, I had endured 25 years of a very draining and, at times, abusive relationship. I left my marriage, and I had no idea that I would lose one of my sons as well. This loss is as real and profound as any other, yet it's shrouded in ambiguity, making it even harder to bear. He is physically absent, but he is psychologically very present. In reality, I am mourning a child who is no longer in my world, even though he's alive and well and living an hour from me.
Ambiguous loss
The term "ambiguous loss" perfectly encapsulates the haunting grief I've experienced. It's not the death of a child, but it feels just as agonizing. My emotions are still tethered to him, yearning for the sound of his voice, for him to talk to me like the old days. The absence of his presence is an indescribable void. We were quite close and were very similar in taste and personality.
The real challenge lies in explaining this loss to others. Society often fails to understand the complexity of a parent's grief when their child is still alive but emotionally distant. When I tell people I don't talk to my son, there's an uncomfortable pause, and then the assumptions begin. "You must have done something to cause this," they say, or confidently predict that we'll reconnect one day. The truth is, no one knows what the future holds, and I always hold out hope for our reconnection, but as the years go by and my continuous attempts seem to not go anywhere, it seems like it will almost be impossible. Until then, I navigate this uncharted territory of grief, where the pain is as real as any other loss, even if society doesn't always recognize it.
My son's absence from my life has not only affected me but my family as well. My mother, my sister, and her family have not seen or spoken to him in six years. It's a loss that reverberates through our family, casting a shadow over gatherings and conversations. There are times when we avoid talking about my youngest son, as the subject seems too uncomfortable or is fraught with grief and anger. There are other times he may be talked about in the past because although we see him on social media, we do not know who he is anymore.
My journey through the grief of ambiguous loss is compounded by the painful reality of my son being coercively controlled by my ex-spouse. It's a scenario that no parent should ever have to endure, but unfortunately, it's a stark reality for many of us in similar situations. Parental alienation or coercively controlled by my ex has torn my family apart, and it's an intricate web of manipulation and emotional distance that's difficult to convey.
How she Alienated my Son from me
The alienation or coercive control began when my ex-spouse decided to use our son as a pawn in the post-divorce battle. The reasons behind it vary from one situation to another, but the outcome remains consistently heart-wrenching. My son, an innocent bystander, was thrust into this turbulent conflict and faced the difficult choice of aligning with one parent while distancing himself from the other. It's a painfully distressing situation, and I had no inkling that it would unfold this way. I was naive, believing that our bond was unshakable. Back then, I didn't seek legal counsel partly because I was unaware of the gravity of the situation until it was too late. By the time he abruptly ceased communication a year later, he was 17 almost an adult, and I felt that trying to intervene was futile. Additionally, I was uncomfortable seeking support or guidance, uncertain about where to find it. Men, in general, tend to shy away from discussing such personal matters, which sadly remains a deeply entrenched cultural norm. Discussing my ex-wife's abuse was a subject I was hesitant to broach.
My ex has inflicted profound wounds on my relationship with my child. This wound runs deep, festering with each passing day. While I may not have fully comprehended the extent of my ex's capabilities during our marriage, I have gained a comprehensive understanding now. The post-abuse continues today as she persists in her efforts to alienate our eldest son from me.
I am not alone
What I have come to realize is that I'm not alone in this struggle. Many parents who have faced parental alienation/coercive control understand the unique pain it brings, where a void of silence and misunderstanding replaces what was once a cherished parent-child bond. I hope that by sharing my experience, we can raise awareness about the devastating effects of parental alienation and provide support for those who are also navigating this agonizing path of ambiguous loss, where grief becomes an ever-present companion. You can read my other blog Broken Bonds: Navigating Parental Alienation - One Father's Tale
If you are facing post-divorce abuse, you don't have to go through it alone. With years of experience and a dedicated focus over the last three years on helping individuals in your situation, I am here to support you. You're not alone in this—many others are going through the same challenges, and together, we can find a way forward. If you are struggling or you think you are experiencing what Kirk went through please reach out for a free consultation.
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