How Divorce Affects Boys and Girls Differently
Have you ever contemplated the unique ways in which divorce impacts boys and girls? During my research for our Divorce Workbook, I stumbled upon some intriguing insights into the differing experiences of girls and boys when it comes to divorce. While divorce typically affects both genders similarly, there are some noteworthy distinctions that I wanted to share in hopes it helps you better understand your children. As a parent of two daughters and someone who experienced divorce as a child, I've often wondered whether my daughters and I handle divorce in different ways than boys. Like many parents, I may not fully grasp that there are some differences between how our sons and daughters handle divorce. Recognizing these distinctions, along with considering the child's developmental stage, could help us become more sensitive to their needs during this challenging period.
While divorce generally affects both genders, boys and girls may experience it differently. Girls often display some unique responses in comparison to boys and vice versa. Research suggests that girls may exhibit negative symptoms, including emotions like depression, anger, and psychological distress. In contrast, boys may sometimes exhibit increased negative behaviors such as aggression or fighting.
Let's delve into these general differences:
Emotional Responses:
Girls: Often keep their feelings inside, feeling sadder, more anxious, or even depressed. I remember the first year I was over asking my daughters if they were okay, and my youngest said, "MOM, enough, stop asking me all the time." She did not want to talk to me about what was going on.
Boys: Typically express their emotions more openly. They might get angry, act out, or face behavior issues. However, they may find it hard to talk about their feelings and seek help.
Academic Performance:
Girls: may experience academic challenges, with decreased motivation and reduced educational ambitions. Divorce can potentially affect girls' educational and occupational pursuits, but most tend to perform well with continued support from at least one parent. Both my daughters are very career-driven and want to become very independent.
Boys: may also encounter academic difficulties, often manifesting as disruptive behavior or reduced school engagement.
Tip: It is important to let your children’s teacher know about the divorce. This way they can be more understanding if your children seem off and let you know about it.
Behavioral Changes:
Girls: Girls often seek emotional support and may show it by becoming more emotionally sensitive, withdrawing from social activities, needing more reassurance and attention, experiencing changes in school performance, or occasionally acting out through defiance or aggression.
Boys: On the other hand, might display their emotional turmoil through external behaviors like becoming more aggressive, defiant, or engaging in delinquent actions. They may try to appear tough, suppress their emotions, take more risks, have academic challenges, change their relationships with friends, and deal with divided loyalties between their parents
Parental Relationships:
Girls: Often maintain closer relationships with their mothers post-divorce, while relationships with their fathers may change. A strong mother-daughter relationship is crucial for helping girls cope with the stresses of divorce, even though relationships with fathers remain important.
Boys: May experience fluctuations in their relationship with their mothers, who may turn to them for emotional support, while fathers may play a crucial role in helping them adapt.
Peer Relationships:
Girls: Often find it easier to form and maintain close relationships with their peers, similar to their mothers who also rely on peer connections during a divorce. They tend to open up and share their feelings and challenges with friends, seeking emotional support and validation. Spending time with friends is a common way for girls to feel better and cope with the difficulties of divorce.
Boys: When boys go through a divorce, their relationships with friends can change differently. Some boys might withdraw and spend more time alone, while others seek comfort and understanding from their friends who are also going through similar situations. Friendships can shift during this time, and some boys may sometimes take more risks when hanging out with their friends. How they cope can vary; some seek emotional support from friends, while others try to be more independent.
Self-esteem and Self-worth:
Girls: Divorce can make girls feel less confident about themselves. They sometimes think the divorce is their fault, which can really hurt their self-esteem. This happens because their family is changing, and they might not be sure where they fit in.
Boys: For boys during a divorce, their self-esteem can go down when they act out or become more defiant. These actions might get them into trouble and make them feel even worse about themselves. Parents need to realize that these behaviors are often a way for boys to deal with their emotions.
Specific to Girls in Divorce:
In divorced and remarried families, adolescent girls might go through an early start of menstruation and physical maturation, making it necessary for parents to have open discussions. Some girls may feel the pressure to grow up faster due to their parent's divorce, so parents must offer guidance appropriate to their development
Specific to Boys in Divorce:
Divorce can lead to behavioral problems in boys, especially aggression, especially in high-conflict marriages. The reduced contact with fathers can disrupt boys' adjustment and development, particularly during their teenage years, making father involvement crucial for their adaptation. Young boys may often see new stepfathers as allies and are generally more accepting of this change than girls.
Tips for Helping Girls:
Supporting Your Child: Parents need to let them know it's not their fault and give them lots of support and reassurance to help them feel better about themselves
Listen and Observe: Pay close attention to their behavior and emotions. Girls tend to internalize their problems, so look for signs of distress like isolation or withdrawal. Encourage them to express their feelings and affirm their emotions, contradicting any unhelpful self-blame.
Help Manage Overwhelming Feelings: Girls may need support in dealing with intense emotions like fear, anger, sadness, or anxiety. Normalize these feelings and help them understand and correct any misconceptions they might have.
Discuss Sexuality: Have open discussions about sexual issues with girls. Adolescent girls facing divorce may be engaging in early sexual behavior, which can lead to increased risks. Help them identify their preferences, set boundaries, and promote self-respect and healthy relationships.
Tips for Helping Boys:
Support Expression of Feelings: Boys often struggle to express their emotions and may feel alone in their experiences. Remind them that they're not the only ones going through a divorce, and encourage them to reach out to trusted adults, even if it's not a parent or teacher.
Alternative Ways to Express Emotions: Boys may benefit from alternative methods to express their emotions. Activities like physical exercise, creative outlets (music, drawing), or playing can help them cope and regain control over their emotions.
Teach Relationship Skills: Boys might need more guidance in developing healthy relationships with others, particularly when dealing with the stress of divorce. Offer them opportunities to practice social skills, like communication, conflict resolution, and expressing their feelings in a respectful manner.
Understanding how boys and girls react differently and consider your child's age is also an important factor in helping them through a divorce. It's important to tailor your support to what your child needs. Many parents worry that when they get divorced, their kids will be hurt forever. But the truth is, most kids can bounce back and do well, no matter what gender they are. The key to how well kids handle divorce is how good their parents are at being co-parents. If you see your child acting in a way that worries you, it's a good idea to talk to a child therapist or counselor who can give you helpful advice about how your child feels and grows.
Are you feeling restless, indecisive, and constantly worrying? Coming soon "The Divorce Workbook" is here to guide you through. Delve into your emotions, finding validation and understanding along the way. Discover practical solutions tailored to your unique journey, from managing finances to navigating co-parenting. Let us lighten the burden of divorce as you gain clarity and resilience for a brighter post-divorce future. Embark on your path to healing with "The Divorce Workbook" as your steadfast companion
