Slow Death, Sudden Departure: Navigating Grief in Divorce
Divorce is a deeply emotional journey that can manifest in many ways. For some, the experience resembles a slow decline, akin to dealing with a lingering chronic illness that eventually reaches its end after years of struggle by one or both parties. On the other hand, some face the abrupt collapse of an unexpected divorce, leaving them bewildered by the sudden loss of what they ‘thought’ was a stable relationship, or even if they had an inkling the marriage was not in great shape they had not thought their partner wanted a divorce. These diverse paths of divorce highlight the complexities of human relationships and the range of emotions individuals may encounter when navigating through the challenging process of untangling their lives from a once-shared bond. Understanding the profound impact of divorce on individuals and families is crucial, as it shapes the way we approach support and empathy for those going through this life-altering experience.
As a certified thanatologist who has worked extensively with individuals facing both divorce and death loss, I refrain from making definitive comparisons between these deeply emotional journeys, as each holds its unique challenges and emotional impact. During my studies, I encountered differing viewpoints on whether divorce can be as tough as a death loss for some individuals. However, what I have come to recognize over time is that both experiences share definite similarities as life's most significant stressors, particularly within the realm of grief. My practical experience in the grief field, having worked closely with individuals navigating through divorce and coping with death loss, enables me to empathize and connect deeply with the complexities of the divorce experience as well as the deep pain of a death loss. Understanding the profound sense of loss, emotional upheaval, and the journey of healing that individuals may encounter in both cases is a unique and personal experience.
The Chronic Slow Death of a Marriage
We are well aware, supported by numerous studies, that the decision to initiate a divorce can be a lengthy process, spanning around five years on average, though the duration varies for each individual and couple. During this time, a whirlwind of emotions and internal debates ensue, with guilt, questioning, fear, and swaying back and forth with indecision.
I vividly recall the moment I first sensed that my marriage was in trouble; it was about 8 years before I left the marriage. My mother, whom I was very close to, was on a shocking and fast trajectory of dying. While she was in the hospital her MD came in and told me she was actively dying, and I was alone with my two young girls. I called him to come to the hospital to help support me and take care of the girls. However, he did not answer the call, and I left a desperate message. Later, when he finally responded, he admitted that he went skiing with friends instead of being there for me during that critical time. It was a profound betrayal, and from that moment, I felt emotional detachment as the trust in our relationship was gone. I did communicate my shock and upset but things just got worse and more frustrations and betrayals and the cumulative damage was adding up.
Unknowingly, I began to detach emotionally from him, and over time, there were feelings of not being as interested in what he was doing, while I found myself enjoying time with our children and friends more when he wasn't around. The emotional discord persisted and intensified like a relentless disease, eroding the foundation of our relationship into a constant state of distress. I found myself emotionally drained, stressed, fearful, and exhausted. Of course, other things were eroding our relationship; this was just one poignant time that I can remember a change within me. I battled these feelings for a long time until for me it became clear that I would feel better not being married to this person anymore.
Both Grow Apart
For some couples, as the years pass, they find themselves growing apart, experiencing a mutual emotional detachment like the slow onset of a chronic illness. Both partners start to feel distant, unable to connect as they once did, and it becomes evident that the vibrant bond they once shared is fading away. The marriage, which was once built on love and intimacy, feels like a distant memory. Both individuals may feel like they are merely playing the roles of a married couple, rather than being truly invested in the relationship. There is no betrayal of any kind, just a slow and gradual decline of emotional connection that feels persistent and continuously gnawing at the foundation of their once-strong bond. The decision to contemplate divorce is not taken lightly, as it involves an immense amount of emotional struggle and contemplation from both parties. Both partners grapple with the emotional toll of the gradual dissolution of their relationship, feeling disconnected and unfulfilled within their marriage.
Sudden collapse
Some individuals face the abrupt collapse of an unexpected divorce, leaving them bewildered by the sudden end of what they once thought was a stable relationship. Even those who had an inkling of trouble may still be deeply shocked by their spouse's decision. The experience of sudden divorce can be compared to the shock of losing a loved one through unexpected death, yet it brings its own unique set of emotions and challenges. Just as the sudden death of a loved one leaves someone emotionally overwhelmed, intense pain, and struggling to comprehend the reality of the loss, the abrupt collapse of a marriage can shatter the foundation of a once seemingly stable relationship. The person who is suddenly left finds themselves grappling with a whirlwind of emotions – confusion, disbelief, betrayal, and a profound sense of loss.
The Grief We Feel
In divorce, the experience of grief varies for each individual. It is the death of a relationship, yet both parties continue living on. In the realm of grief, this is termed 'ambiguous loss,' denoting the person's physical presence but lack of psychological or emotional connection. It can be challenging to process, as the person remains in your life but in a different role, often limited to co-parenting communication. This situation can be especially difficult for some divorcing couples who once relied on each other but now have minimal contact. Some may find they feel relief, while others may feel profound pain and difficulty. Both the initiators and the ones that were left do generally grieve, just at different times in the marriage and divorce process.
The divorce transition poses immense challenges, especially for couples who were once emotionally attached and now find themselves apart. Divorce encompasses multiple losses, necessitating the reorganization of boundaries and establishing new ways of communication with the former partner to name a few. These profound changes and layers of loss often go unnoticed or underestimated, making the process complex and delicate to navigate. Most divorcing people have to go through a lot on their own without a lot of support.
In the aftermath of a divorce, it's crucial to acknowledge and understand the grief that accompanies this significant life change. Each person copes differently and may require support to process emotions and adapt to new circumstances. Practicing compassion and patience with oneself and others during this challenging time can facilitate healing and growth as both individuals move forward with their lives apart from each other.
How to cope with your grief in divorce
There is a lot of grief in divorce, which is often not acknowledged by others and society. One of the most significant ways to cope with the grief of divorce is by seeking support. From my years of grief work, I have learned that having a support system is vital. It is crucial to find the right support, such as connecting with peers who have experienced divorce or seeking help from understanding family and friends. Coming soon in our new workbook, we offer a helpful exercise that helps you identify the types of support available and the ones you should seek, avoid, or talk to.
Another critical aspect of grieving during divorce is recognizing that you are indeed grieving. Many people have come to me, unsure if what they're feeling qualifies as grief. They may be experiencing anger, not realizing that anger can be a form of grief too. It can stem from feelings of loss of control over your life and the drastic changes happening. Grief can manifest in different ways.
Recognizing there are a variety of symptoms of Grief that not many people are aware of. Grief has physical, cultural, social, emotional, physiological, and behavioral aspects. Some symptoms can be digestive issues, sleep disturbances, weakened immune system, deep sadness, moments of relief, headaches, changes in behavior, feelings of isolation, and even jealousy towards seemingly happy married couples. Understanding these various manifestations can help you identify and address your grief more effectively.
Conclusion
Divorce is a deeply emotional journey that can take various forms. Some individuals experience a slow decline of a marriage, like dealing with a lingering chronic illness, while others face the abrupt collapse of an unexpected divorce. Each path is unique and complex, carrying its own set of challenges and emotions. As a certified thanatologist who has worked closely with individuals facing both divorce and death loss, I understand the profound sense of loss and emotional upheaval that these experiences entail. My goal is to provide support and empathy to those navigating through these challenging times, recognizing the significance of these life-altering events. Ultimately, divorce highlights the complexities of human relationships and the strength of individuals as they untangle their lives from a once-shared bond. If you would like to read more about grief in Divorce check out my blog Divorce is…Grief!
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Kirk and Karen off free Divorce coaching consultation email Karen at Karen@divorcworkshop.ca
