How to Navigate Extracurriculars While Co-parenting
One thing that has been a major point of contention in my co-parenting life is extracurriculars. It is hard in a household where there are two married parents, let alone ones who struggle with co-parenting. Today we will explore some obstacles when it comes to coparenting and extracurricular activities and what some options are to guide us through the challenges.
What to sign up for -These days there are SO many activities for kids to get involved in. Soccer, baseball, basketball, instruments, musical theater, chess, STEAM clubs, to name a few. So before we even go any further in this conversation it is important to stop and think about your kid. What interests do they hold? Are they showing any special talents or expressed any interest in anything? Childhood is a time to explore what we like and what we are good at. Trying to have your kid fit into the mold you want them to isn’t going to get you very far. Have a conversation with your co-parent about ideas you may both be having about getting your child involved.
Communication- As difficult as it is (or maybe isn’t!) there will have to be a conversation with your child’s parent about signing them up for an activity. Chances are you will have different ideas of what to enroll them in. So who wins? Well, as previously stated, hopefully, your child! This is a time to focus on what the child wants and not what mom and dad want (or whatever your family dynamic looks like). Talk to your co-parent about what you would like to enroll them in, see what they think, but also listen with an open mind about what they’d like to see the child participate in as well. Whatever you do, please talk to them BEFORE signing your child up for something. Nothing will get you in the hot seat faster than committing someone else’s time and money for something they didn’t even know about.
Schedule and fees- Before committing the next few months of everyone's life to this activity, make sure it’s going to work for everyone's schedule and set expectations. Who is going to be taking them to practices/rehearsals? Who is going to be transporting them to the big game/show? What if someone has to work and miss it? This is a good time to assess if you and your co-parent can be flexible. Some of you can and some of you can’t. It is in your child’s best interest if the adults can come together to get them where they need to be regardless of whose custodial night it is. Are you comfortable with them taking the kid on ‘your’ day if you have to work? And it’s ok if not, just something to think about!
Fees: somewhere in your parenting plan should be an explanation of how the fees are split for extracurriculars. Is it 50/50, 60/40, 70/30? Finances are a major component of being able to do these activities. And that doesn’t just go for the enrollment. You also have uniforms, equipment, travel, snacks, gear, etc. Having a conversation prior to signing up about who is responsible for what is KEY to having it run smoothly.
Some of these conversations like I said are hard even when you’re in a loving, committed relationship. Add in the stress of ex-partners, their new spouses, or other kids, it takes a lot of work and commitment from each parent to make it work!
Who is ‘allowed’ at the activities? Big sigh here, folks. This is where the rubber meets the road. From what I have heard and experienced for myself, this is a very difficult topic for a lot of parents, and where a lot of situations can arise ESPECIALLY if you are in a high-conflict divorce. Ideally, it is best for the child to have BOTH parents at their activities. They want to be able to look in the audience, sidelines, bleachers, etc to see their parents watching them. When you had your child I suspect it was not in your mind that you would only be experiencing half of their life. So if you and your ex can make it work and be able to be in the same space, then kudos to you. That is what you should do.
Now, that being said, does that mean you like each other? No, of course not. You can sit there and imagine squeezing their heads behind your Paris Hilton-sized sunglasses for all I care about. Just don’t make it obvious. These activities are NOT the time to discuss how they owe you child support. These activities are NOT the time to go around talking to all the parents about what a whacko your ex is. This is the time for you both to show you care about your child more than you hate your ex. It is a time to show your child for that hour or two they are what matters most.
‘But Shauna you’re crazy if you think me and my ex can sit there and not cause a scene’. Ok, fair. ‘But Shauna, I’m scared my ex is going to cause a scene resulting in the cops being called on me’. Yep, been there, done that. Sadly, for a lot of us navigating co-parenting, this is our reality. If you think there is a chance this might occur, it might be best not to go on your ex’s custodial day. ‘But Shauna, THAT’S NOT FAIR’. Confirmed, I agree. It’s not. You could be an angel on earth and cause no problems whatsoever. But the truth of the matter is, this is the reality of divorce and co-parenting. If you think the bad outweighs the good then explain to your child on an age-appropriate level why they won’t see you at their game that weekend (hint: this is not telling them you hate their mom/dad and that is the reason you can’t go). What it does look like could be something like this: ‘Sarah, I would love to be at your game this weekend, however, we have decided it is best if we go on the weekends that you are with us.’ Or, it might be a good time to say something like, ‘Sarah, Mommy is sorry she is missing your game this weekend, but there is something else I have to attend’. The bottom line is don’t blame your kid, don’t blame your ex.
An option to overcome this hurdle would be to put a clause in your parenting plan about being able to attend activities (especially those held in a public place) on your ex’s custodial weekend. That could resolve any confusion on their end whether or not you are ‘allowed’. If it ends up in court (and believe me, it does), the judge is not going to put up with one parent telling another parent they aren’t allowed at an event for your child
Etiquette- Ok great, we’ve had the conversation about what to enroll our child in, we have figured out how to split the costs, we agreed we can both go to the activities (or not), now what? When you are both at an activity for your child, respect and kindness is the only way to go. Do you have to sit together? Not if you don’t want to. In fact, unless you’re on really good terms and can stomach being near each other knowing you won’t say anything ill-willed towards each other, some space is probably a good idea. Do you have to say hi to them? Probably wouldn’t hurt, even a wave will do. Do you need to have some huge Sound of Music scene to show the whole world you really do get along? Negative. Chances are no one around you will even know you two aren’t together, despise each other, or don’t speak, unless you make it a point to announce that to the world. Civility is the way to go. Think of a coworker you don’t really like but for the sake of your job you have to act professionally towards? Same thing. This is the biggest job of your life and whether you like it or not your ex is your coworker. Say hi, take a seat, and pay attention to your kid. That’s it!
Now you have successfully navigated the ins and outs of coparenting through extracurriculars. Depending on how old your kids are, you could be doing this for a while. What obstacles have you had and what questions do you have? Contact me if you need some extra support surrounding co-parenting!
Coming in spring 2024 our NEW and Different type of Divorce workbook 'The Divorce Workbook: A Hands-Approach to Everything Divorce.' Unlike passive reads, this affordable workbook actively engages you in understanding and working through all divorce facets. Transform complexities into manageable steps, addressing finances, emotions, co-parenting, recovery, legality, and more. Divorce has a huge impact on you and your family. Prepare, understand, and navigate your journey to a smoother divorce Starts hands-on. Get on our waiting list today!
