High-Conflict Divorce: Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting
Growing up in the ‘70’s and ‘80’s, I had no clue that my parents were practicing what we now call "parallel parenting." Back then, they probably didn't know the term either. Interestingly, when facing my divorce many years later, I found myself in the same boat of not knowing this term. While parallel parenting has become well-recognized in legal and psychological circles, it remains relatively unfamiliar to the general public and those of us grappling with the complexities of divorce.
Strategies for Child-Centered Divorce
It's crucial to clarify that the terms "co-parenting" and "parallel parenting" are not legal terms; instead, they are practical strategies designed to help divorced parents navigate the complexities of raising children separately. These strategies emphasize the importance of prioritizing the well-being of the children during and after divorce proceedings, providing a framework for effective parenting collaboration despite any lingering personal conflicts. The parents themselves decide that parallel parenting is right for them or with help from legal representatives. The best parallel parenting arrangement begins with clear rules and expectations established from the beginning. Since minimal contact between parents is a key aim, creating detailed parallel parenting plans covering various future scenarios is usually beneficial.
Embracing Parallel Parenting: A Lesser-Known Approach
While co-parenting is often discussed in the context of divorce, it's essential to acknowledge that not all divorced couples can maintain a harmonious co-parenting relationship. Persistent personal dynamics and differences may make co-parenting challenging for some. In such cases, parallel parenting can be a valuable alternative. It allows each parent to focus on their responsibilities and minimizes direct interaction while still prioritizing the children's best interests. Parallel parenting tends to be more common in cases with high levels of conflict between parents, safety concerns, or other factors that hinder co-parenting
Parallel Parenting: Minimizing Conflict
Parallel parenting is when parents step away from each other to reduce conflict. In this approach, each parent independently manages their time with the children, with minimal direct communication between them. The more intense the conflict, the more detailed and specific the parallel parenting plan needs to be. Parallel parenting often starts this way due to initial hostility and a lack of trust, but over time, as trust rebuilds, it can evolve into a more cooperative co-parenting style. This approach also shields many children from the toxic aspects of their parents' relationship during the early stages of divorce.
Here are some reasons why parents pick parallel parenting
Parallel parenting is chosen when there's an intense conflict between parents, making co-parenting difficult.
It minimizes direct communication, reducing the potential for disputes and arguments.
When parents have vastly different parenting approaches and can't agree on common methods.
In cases of domestic violence, abuse, or substance abuse issues, parallel parenting prioritizes the child's safety.
Sometimes, a court may order parallel parenting and use one of the co-parenting apps due to a lack of trust or cooperation between parents.
It reduces emotional stress and tension, benefiting both parents and the child.
Parallel parenting typically involves well-defined boundaries, and managing expectations effectively.
Communication often occurs through mediators or in writing, minimizing direct interaction between parents.
It places the child's well-being at the forefront by minimizing exposure to parental conflicts.
Parallel parenting can be a practical, temporary solution while parents work on improving their relationship or communication.
Dealing with a high-conflict co-parent is not co-parenting it is ‘single parenting’ because they will not accommodate you, or help make things easier.
A high-conflict parent will either strictly adhere to the parenting arrangement, being inflexible and rigid, or completely disregard the parenting plan and act according to their desires.
The benefits of Parallel parenting
My parents seemed to intuitively grasp the need to maintain some distance from each other while raising us, a choice that, in hindsight, appears remarkably wise. Surprisingly, in those days, communication was limited to mail and phone calls, leaving me curious about how they managed it. Regardless, their approach worked effectively. Parallel parenting, in essence, acts as a protective cocoon for children, ensuring their relationships with both Mom and Dad remain intact while shielding them from the turbulence of parental discord. Research supports its effectiveness, particularly in cases where high parental conflicts persist. It's not solely the conflicts themselves that harm children; it's the exposure to and overhearing of those conflicts that leave lasting scars. Above all, parallel parenting underscores the equal importance of both parents in a child's life, irrespective of their differences
Not a lot of communication
Parallel parenting often involves a limited exchange of information between one parent and their co-parent. The extent of this communication is unique to the parents. Some parents opt not to communicate directly at all, instead relying on their legal representatives. Others may write a formal email once a month to share essential updates, while others use co-parenting apps. The primary objective remains the reduction of communication between parents, with the overarching goal of mitigating stress and conflict, especially in post-divorce parenting scenarios.
Streamlined Communication Through Co-Parenting Apps
While parallel parenting generally involves minimal interaction between parents, some level of communication regarding their children's well-being will still be necessary. In such situations, communication in parallel parenting often relies on indirect methods like email or the use of one of the many co-parenting apps available. Co-parenting apps play a pivotal role in facilitating parallel parenting by offering a structured and organized platform for communication and coordination. These apps create a clear and documented channel for parents to collaborate on crucial matters related to their children while maintaining a healthy distance from each other. Shared calendars help in planning schedules and important events, reducing the need for direct communication. Expense tracking features promote transparency in financial matters, minimizing potential disputes. By providing a neutral and secure space for interactions, co-parenting apps effectively support parallel parenting by minimizing conflict and allowing each parent to independently manage their responsibilities, ultimately prioritizing the well-being of the children.
Navigating Legal Aspects
Legal issues related to parental arrangements/custody, parenting time, child support, and other matters can arise within both co-parenting and parallel parenting arrangements. These legal matters are typically addressed through lawyers, mediators, and family court, to ensure that the rights and responsibilities of both parents and the best interests of the children are upheld.
Flexibility and Growth
It's crucial to note that both co-parenting and parallel parenting are not set in stone. They are adaptable and can evolve over time to suit the changing needs and dynamics of the family. What works initially may need adjustment as children grow and circumstances change. The choice between co-parenting and parallel parenting is often a personal one, and it can depend on the specific circumstances and dynamics of the separated or divorced couple.
Empowering Post-Divorce Parenting
Divorcing or separated parents have options when it comes to post-divorce parenting, and understanding the differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting empowers them to make informed decisions. Both approaches have their merits, and the key is to prioritize the well-being of the children while navigating the complexities of post-divorce family life
Coming very soon "The Divorce Workbook": Your guide through divorce's challenges, offering practical tips and understanding. Crafted to understand your unique journey, it provides solutions for managing finances, emotions, co-parenting, recovery, and legality. Find effective strategies to lighten the burden of divorce. Whether you're starting or deep in the process, discover resolutions that meet your emotional and practical needs. Explore this resource for clarity, confidence, and a brighter future.
Kirk and Karen off free Divorce coaching consultation email Karen at Karen@divorceworkshop.ca
