Why do we feel like failures in Divorce?
The tumultuous aftermath of my 19-year marriage's culmination in divorce plunged me into a profound sense of failure, resonating with the common sentiment among those navigating the challenging landscape of divorce. I have facilitated divorce support groups, and have supported divorcing women and a recurring question emerged: why do we feel like failures?
Rethinking the Narrative:
Delving into my emotions, it became evident that the pervasive narrative of failure originates from societal expectations, especially for women. The notion that a woman has to uphold the family unit prompts crucial questions about equating the end of a marriage with personal failure and the conditioning of women to shoulder the burden of others' happiness. Society's insistence on projecting an image of a flourishing home imposes unrealistic expectations, perpetuating a narrative that labels women as failures should the marriage falter. This belief system requires critical examination for liberation from unfounded guilt and shame.
In my journey, I dedicated 19 years to a marriage marked by neglect and abuse. Despite shouldering the responsibility of raising two daughters practically single-handedly, I became ensnared in the belief that I was a failure. Overwhelmed by grief, I was resolute in my determination not to expose my children to the same hardships I endured in my upbringing, all the while contending with the societal pressure and stigma associated with divorce. I grappled with feelings of not living up to the vows made on our wedding day, and the persistent self-doubt seemed rooted in societal expectations that compel women to internalize blame.
My Mother's Divorce:
Contemplating my parents' divorce in the 1970s, where my father's extramarital affairs played a pivotal role in the breakdown of their marriage, the unfair tendency to disproportionately place blame on my mother persisted. Questions like "Was your mom distant or cold?" or "Did she withhold affection ?" became a recurring narrative, consistently casting her as the scapegoat while absolving my father of responsibility. Witnessing the ongoing blame directed at my mother by family and friends highlighted the enduring influence of societal norms. This perpetuation of finger-pointing creates a cycle that exacerbates the already daunting task of overcoming feelings of failure. I remain uncertain if my mother ever ceased blaming herself for the dissolution of her marriage. In those times, divorce was a taboo subject, shrouded in stigma and discussed in hushed tones. The lack of open dialogue added an extra layer to the heavy burden she carried, making it even more challenging to liberate herself from the weight of societal expectations.
Divorce, both in the past and even today, remains cloaked in societal stigma. While we've made some progress, back then, the absence of open dialogue added an extra layer to the heavy burden she carried. This made it even more challenging for her to free herself from the weight of societal expectations. If you're interested in reading my blog about Stigma in Divorce you can click here.
The Impact of Childhood Divorce:
When one experiences their parents' divorce as a child, an implicit promise often takes root—a commitment not to let their marriage fail as their parents did. This self-imposed vow carries immense pressure and significantly influences the way one navigates their marital journey. However, instead of fixating solely on the fear of personal failure or replicating witnessed patterns, it becomes crucial to redirect focus to how the marriage itself failed the individual.
Shifting the Lens
Shifting the focus from self-blame to a thoughtful examination of the marriage's dynamics offers valuable insights. Exploring where the relationship fell short in meeting emotional needs, fostering communication, and maintaining a healthy, secure connection helps individuals disentangle from feelings of guilt and shame. This change in perspective enables a more objective reflection on the factors contributing to the marriage's breakdown without unnecessary rumination.
Discovering the foundations of a thriving marital relationship involves recognizing the significance of effective communication, feeling secure and safe, mutual trust, emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and shared values. Identifying these elements allows individuals to form a clearer vision of what they seek in future relationships, fostering personal growth and the cultivation of healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Through this process of self-reflection over the years, facing feelings of failure prompted questions about the health of my marriage, the sense of safety and security, and the presence of mutual trust and connection. Shifting away from the notion of personal failure, I reminded myself that I did all I could and that my divorce was not a failure but an opportunity for growth.
Releasing the Weight of Failure:
The burden of feeling like a failure can be overwhelming, influencing life decisions and hindering personal growth. It's crucial to release this heavy feeling, as continuing to label oneself as a failure can impact one's lens on life. We have an exercise in our New Divorce workbook that helps with these feelings of failure plus many more to help you in your recovery from your divorce.
Some questions to think over.
How can you release the feeling of failure?
Is it possible that your divorce is not a failure, but rather an opportunity for growth?
Have you considered teaching your children about self-love and the importance of choosing a healthy relationship?
Reflecting on the Journey – Questions for Self-Exploration
As we navigate the complexities of divorce and its aftermath, self-reflection becomes a powerful tool for personal growth. The following questions are designed to spark introspection, guiding you through a thoughtful exploration of your experiences and beliefs. Take a moment to consider these queries, each delving into aspects of societal expectations, personal resilience, and the transformative potential that arises from the aftermath of divorce. Embrace this opportunity for self-discovery and allow these questions to illuminate the path toward healing and a deeper understanding of oneself. Even six years later, I find myself still needing to ask and remind myself about the kind of marriage I was in, realizing that I couldn't contribute, try harder, or help save it anymore.
Questions to Ponder:
Is it a common belief that women are responsible for keeping the family together, and is it our job?
What are your thoughts about women being conditioned to feel like failures if the marriage doesn't work out?
Should you be held responsible for another person's happiness, especially in the context of a failed marriage?
How does the pressure to keep the marriage happy affect your mental and emotional well-being?
Are you 100% responsible for your marriage failing?
Did you feel safe, and secure and had good mutual respect?
Did you trust them? Did they trust you?
It's essential to recognize that a divorce doesn't equate to failure; sometimes, relationships simply don't work out. Perceiving divorce as a punishment or a lasting label inhibits growth. Instead, view it as an experience to learn and grow. By shifting this perspective, individuals can break free from the shackles of societal expectations, fostering a journey toward healing and self-discovery. Embracing the opportunity for personal growth, the aftermath of divorce becomes a transformative period, paving the way for new beginnings and a deeper understanding of oneself.
Feeling overwhelmed and confused during your divorce? "The Divorce Workbook" is here to guide you through. Delve into your emotions, finding validation and understanding along the way. Discover practical solutions tailored to your unique journey, from managing finances to navigating co-parenting. Let us lighten the burden of divorce as you gain clarity and resilience for a brighter post-divorce future. Embark on your path to healing with "The Divorce Workbook" as your steadfast companion
Kirk and Karen off free Divorce coaching consultation email Karen at Karen@divorceworkshop.ca
