Spotting Narcissistic Red Flags in Post-Divorce Dating:
After a divorce, many individuals embrace dating again some eagerly and others with hesitation. To those who are newcomers to online dating apps or returning to the digital dating scene, it can all feel a little bit strange. Though it appears that many divorcing people do go back into the dating sphere and find love again. Interestingly there is a significant percentage of divorced men (64%) and women (52%) who choose to remarry, indicating that finding love again after a divorce is a common desire. However, for those of us who have endured a tough and abusive marriage, the thought of attracting someone with similar traits to our ex-spouse is a genuine concern and downright scary.
When I ventured into the world of online dating after my divorce, I approached it with a mix of anticipation and apprehension. Having endured years of abuse from my ex, it took me a while to wake up to the fact that he possessed strong narcissistic traits. As a result, I was determined to try to avoid anyone whose personality even remotely resembled his. My goal was to steer clear of "takers" or individuals who engaged in gaslighting or narcissistic behaviors. However, recognizing these warning signs proved to be an incredibly daunting task. Narcissists are incredibly skilled at manipulation, leaving me to wonder if I would fall prey to their tactics once again. This lingering question was one of the main reasons why I hesitated to reenter the dating scene, a sentiment I believe many who have endured abuse in their marriage can relate to.
Training with a Psychologist
Recently, during a training session led by a psychologist specializing in challenging personalities such as NPD, the topic of spotting narcissists while dating was discussed. This caught my attention because I personally went through a similar experience, and I often hear clients express concerns about attracting the same type of person or consistently ending up with these types of individuals. I feel compelled to share this important information with as many people as possible. It's crucial to have awareness and keep these insights in mind as you venture into the world of dating after divorce. By being aware of the signs and patterns associated with narcissistic behavior, you can make more informed choices and protect yourself in future relationships.
General red flags to watch for:
Negative talk about exes or family: Pay attention to how your date speaks about their ex-spouse or family members. If they consistently blame, criticize, or demean them, it could be a sign of potential gaslighting. Gaslighters often try to create doubt and control by distorting the reality of past relationships.
Undermining your accomplishments: Be cautious if your date consistently downplays or dismisses your achievements. Gaslighters may try to make you feel inadequate or inferior by minimizing your successes or making you doubt your capabilities.
Disrespectful treatment of service staff: Observe how your date interacts with waitstaff or service personnel. If they display a pattern of rudeness, condescension, or a lack of respect, it may indicate a dismissive and entitled attitude. Gaslighters often disregard the feelings and worth of others, using their behavior to exert control.
Inconsistencies between their online profile and real-life behavior: If your date's behavior significantly deviates from what they presented in their online dating profile, it should raise a red flag. Gaslighters might create an idealized persona online to attract vulnerable individuals, exploiting their emotions and vulnerabilities.
Exploiting your vulnerabilities and using them against you: Be cautious if your date actively seeks to uncover your deepest secrets, fears, or personal struggles. Gaslighters can use this information to manipulate and control you, exploiting your vulnerabilities during disagreements or conflicts. They will also tell you their deepest secrets and then say share yours and this is to get ammunition on you to use later. Also, it takes time to trust someone to be that vulnerable with each other.
Disregarding your boundaries and making you feel guilty: Gaslighters often disregard boundaries and may react negatively when you assert your needs or limits. If your date consistently dismisses your boundaries, resorts to guilt-tripping, or makes you feel responsible for their emotions, it is a clear sign of potential gaslighting behavior.
Navigating First Dates: Watch Out for Narcissistic Traits in Women -
Two Key Cautions
Excessive self-centeredness: Pay attention to how much your date talks about themselves without showing genuine interest in getting to know you. Women narcissists may dominate the conversation, consistently steer it back to themselves, and show little empathy or curiosity about your life.
Seeking constant validation: Women narcissists may have a strong need for validation and attention. Watch out for signs that your date constantly seeks compliments, demands admiration, or becomes upset if they feel their self-worth is being questioned. This could manifest as fishing for compliments, boasting excessively about their achievements, or becoming defensive when receiving constructive feedback.
Navigating First Dates: Watch Out for Narcissistic Traits in Men -
Two Key Cautions
Grandiosity and superiority complex: Men narcissists often exhibit a sense of superiority and may boast about their accomplishments, talents, or status. They may belittle others or make derogatory comments to establish dominance and elevate their self-worth.
Lack of empathy and emotional manipulation: Watch for signs of a lack of empathy or an inability to understand and validate your emotions. Men narcissists may dismiss or minimize your feelings, use manipulative tactics to gain control or show little concern for your well-being. They may also engage in emotional manipulation, such as gaslighting, to make you doubt your own perceptions or experiences.
Additionally, it's essential to be mindful of what you share on your online dating profile, particularly when it comes to vulnerabilities like being divorced or in heavy grief from a death loss. Be cautious and make sure you avoid divulging sensitive information or sharing personal vulnerabilities that could potentially be used against you. I suggest getting a trusted family or friend to read over your dating profile to make sure that you are not making yourself appear vulnerable.
