Journey Through Seasons: Co-Parenting Lessons from a Child of Divorce
Growing up as a child from a divorced family, I've had the unique opportunity to traverse the landscape of both joys and challenges that come with being co-parented throughout both the summer and the school year. My parents' divorce unfolded as a saga of unrelenting conflict, a chapter marked by its combative nature that endured for an extensive period. What commenced as a mutual struggle gradually evolved into a situation where my father played a pivotal role in perpetuating the ongoing tensions that lasted for years. As I reflect on my journey, I'm compelled to share insights that cast light on the nuanced perspective of a child navigating such intricate circumstances.
My Summers: Embracing Stability and Unwinding
My childhood summers stood in contrast to those of many of my peers. Splitting my time between both of my parents, an arrangement that defied expectations, turned out to be unexpectedly positive. It brought a sense of stability to a world characterized by constant change. Those summer months became grounding moments, offering respite from the ceaseless transitions between different homes and the accompanying conflicts.
I was spared the constant packing of clothes and the need to adapt to ever-changing environments, each with its distinct routines and values. From small things like being allowed a pop in one house and not in the other. To much bigger changes such as my father's relatively swift remarriage after the divorce and having a new stepmom into the mix, which posed a unique challenge. Conversely, my mother remained single throughout her life. In retrospect, it feels as though I inhabited two distinct worlds.
The summer break also granted me the chance to establish routines, find moments of calm amidst chaos, and escape the tensions of the dreaded drive-by pick-ups and drop-offs. During these months, I reconnected with extended family, including aunts, uncles, and cousins. Notably, my parents' involvement in my daily life lessened somewhat during this period. This reprieve allowed them to recharge, benefiting both them and myself.
Reflecting on these summers as a child of divorce, I feel compelled to share insights that might provide a better understanding of the emotions experienced by children in similar situations. However, it's crucial to recognize that each child's journey is distinctive, with varying co-parenting strategies and circumstances
Insights from Summer Co-Parenting: Stability and Connection
Dividing my summers between both parents brought an unexpected sense of stability in the midst of changing circumstances. Despite the shifts between households, having dedicated periods with each parent created a reassuring rhythm in my life.
A portion of the summer was often spent away from the city, between the two parents and the family cottages. This change of environment seemed to put my parents more at ease and also had a positive impact on my own well-being. It felt like I was like normal and like everyone else and I was not from the ‘broken family’ down the street.
The extended periods with each parent during the summer provided ample opportunity to foster deeper bonds and create lasting memories. This was particularly significant in my relationship with my father, whom I didn't see as frequently during the school year.
The flexible schedule of summer co-parenting allowed for spontaneity and diverse experiences. It was a refreshing departure from the rigid structure of the school co-parenting schedule, granting more free time and a more relaxed parenting atmosphere.
However, there were times when uncertainty about the summer plans left me with unanswered questions and a sense of unease. Living farther from one parent's home meant missing my neighborhood pals dearly and my beloved cat.
Navigating the School Year: Transitioning and Striving
As the summer transitioned into the school year, a different rhythm emerged. The carefree days of summer gave way to the bustling world of school, with its array of friends, activities, and events. Routines, homework, after-school commitments, test, exams, peer pressure, and the day-to-day structured time took center stage. Correspondingly, my parents' co-parenting plans became more structured as well. Adapting to the summer and back-to-school routine takes time, as anyone familiar with the back-to-school adjustment knows.
Insights into School Year Co-Parenting: Shadows and Challenges
The backdrop of my parents' high-conflict relationship cast a shadow over my school experiences. Anxiety often accompanied the anticipation of school events like teacher interviews, sports competitions, or special concerts. Having both parents present in these situations heightened the unease, evoking memories of past disagreements and thickening the air with tension.
During the school year, I occasionally felt like an outlier compared to my peers from intact families. While I desired to fit in, I opted to keep my unique family situation as private as I could. The fear of judgment or unwanted inquiries about my family life led me to try to keep it pretty much to myself. This was especially true during my tween and teenage years.
The demands of co-parenting, coordinating schedules, and managing school-related activities added complexity to my parents' already full plates. This amplification of stress was evident and added an extra layer of strain to their lives and mine.
The presence of both parents at school events introduced a feeling of conflict of loyalty. Who do I go up to first my father or my mother and if I choose this one will the other get mad? Also because of the massive tension between them, I always feared potential clashes so it made it challenging to fully enjoy these moments. Balancing the wish for both parents to be present with the dread of potential conflicts was a delicate act.
Despite these hurdles, I found solace in reconnecting with friends and favorite teachers during the school year. Their support helped me navigate challenges and provided a sense of familiarity in a changing landscape. Being actively involved in school activities
Just a note about how I was as a teenager
As I transitioned into my tweens and teenage years, I found myself pushing back against the rigid co-parenting plans that had defined my earlier years. My focus shifted towards spending time with friends and pursuing my activities, which became paramount to me. The inflexible schedule dictating who I was meant to be with on weekends took a backseat to my yearning for greater flexibility. I was eager to assimilate with my friends who appeared to lead more conventionally "normal" family lives. The incessant conflicts and skirmishes between my parents grew increasingly oppressive, and I yearned for a respite from the unrelenting tension. Moreover, I embarked on a rewarding babysitting gig, and subsequently, I secured a part-time job at the local Walmart. With my priorities undergoing a shift, dedicating scheduled time to one of my parents was no longer at the forefront.
Conclusion
In essence, co-parenting through summers and school years imparts invaluable lessons to divorced co-parents. It's essential to recognize that my parents did their best given the resources and knowledge available at the time—without the guidance of the internet, workbooks, books, therapists, or divorce coaches. As a co-parent today, I'm no stranger to the challenges, understanding that mistakes are inevitable as we navigate this uncharted realm.
I hope my experiences shed light on the intricate world of a child of divorce. By acknowledging the unique challenges of both summer and the school year, co-parents can adapt their approaches to better suit their children's needs. Striving for stability and maintaining open communication between the child and both co-parents can significantly alleviate anxiety. My journey underscores that co-parenting, while multifaceted, offers space for growth, understanding, and collaboration. This understanding is crucial, as it recognizes the diverse impact of divorce on children and the potential for positive transformation within the family dynamic. As co-parents, we hold the power to shape our children's perceptions of their circumstances.
Nonetheless, this experience enriched me with invaluable insights. It fostered adaptability to diverse people and situations, and it nurtured a resilience that remains integral to my character. As we embrace the complexities of co-parenting, let us remember that the journey is not without its hurdles. It's through a joint commitment to the well-being of our children that we can navigate these challenges and create a supportive environment for them to thrive.
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Kirk and Karen off free Divorce coaching consultation email Karen at Karen@divorcworkshop.ca
