Narcissist -Am I Divorcing one? Part 2
In part 1, I talked about the importance of understanding ‘who you are divorcing’ and why you need to know. If you are thinking about divorce or going through one, your divorce strategy will need to be very different. I also touched down on some characteristics of a person who is high on the narcissistic spectrum.
If you did not read Part One of Narcissist - Am I Divorcing one? read it here.
How narcissists may behave in Divorce:
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be challenging as they may manipulate your children and the parenting schedule. In reality, when you are co-parenting with one you are single parenting. Meaning they will not be respectful or cooperative in having a healthy co-parenting relationship. They will either use the co-parenting plan and follow it to the T or they will disregard it all together and do what they want to do.
They may try to coercive control your children by making them think you are unsafe, unlovable, and unavailable. This happened to both my mother and Kirk, the co-founder of the Divorceworkshop; they were both abused by their exes and rejected by their children because of their narcissistic ex-partners.
They may have financially abused you throughout the marriage, refuse to pay child support, as well as, fabricate false Section 7 expenses (Canada) or extraordinary expenses (USA). They also may hide assets or change their work situation to make less money so they would pay you less support. Kirk’s ex tried to get him to pay for another year of college for his son who had already taken the course the year before.
Your narcissistic ex may use your children as tools because many are not at all interested in parenting. They may like the optics of being a parent, such as showing them off at events or taking them on trips, but they are not interested in doing the actual work of parenting. It is always about them and what they want, not what is best for the children.
They will use ‘flying monkeys’, which means they will go around and talk badly about you to anyone who will listen including your family and mutual friends. They may sell their version of the divorce by portraying themselves as the victim. This happened to me many times as he approached all my family members with his sad false story to try to make me look bad.
Manipulation, guilt, and threats are common tools for narcissists. They may try to pressure you to take their offer in the separation agreement by setting a time limit. If you do not comply, then they threaten to take you to court. In co-parenting, they may even call the police or social services with an invented abuse story to cause drama and embarrassment for you and your children.
They try to bully their lawyer, as well as bully yours. (Yes, they try to bully your lawyer too)
They may move the goalposts, meaning one minute you think you have an agreement and then they change their minds. This could go on for a while. They want to keep you engaged as long as possible because you have always been their major source of narcissistic supply. They want to defeat you at all costs and will settle only when they want.
In post-separation, they may hover over you, as they need to control you since they have a deep need to punish you for leaving them. They may try to charm you, then seduce you, and then later criticize you. Be prepared!
They may stalk or harass you by showing up when you least expect them. They may try showering you with gifts or continuously unwanted communication to win you back. Some narcissists love the court system as they see it as a potential place to show you how clever they are and they love the drama. They have an insatiable desire to punish you and will draw the divorce out as long as possible instead of settling.
No matter what you do or say they will not change; I know this from my own experience. Many experts in the field will say, you may get micro changes with a lot of therapy but nothing more.
They may follow you on your social media and attempt to abuse you on theirs.
Once the divorce is finalized and you think it is all over the narcissist may continue to engage in abusive behavior. They do this as a means of maintaining control and power over their ex-partner. So the behaviors stated above could continue into post-separation including manipulation, abuse, false accusations, and trying to make you feel guilty.
If your ex was difficult to be married to, they are not going to improve in divorce or post-divorce. This means that if they were at a 5 out of 10 on a narcissist scale when married, they can turn into a 10 out of 10 in divorce. You must be prepared.
Other things to consider:
The interesting thing is regardless if you left or they left, you will be in pain either way. I know it seems odd but realizing your partner could be or is a narcissist can be very difficult and shocking. Once you realize that you are/were married to a person who is high on the narcissistic spectrum, you can never really unsee it. There is a lot of grief associated with leaving an abusive relationship.
They will not be normal players in the divorce game. BE WARNED: true narcissists will not play fair, they will bully and they will try to destroy you if possible.
Even though ‘diagnosed’ narcissistic personality disorder accounts for only 0.5% to 6% of the population, there are also varying degrees of narcissism that are prevalent in today’s society. Look for their patterns of behaviors rather than trying to diagnose them because that is what the court will look at not they are a narcissist.
Do not tell the narcissist you think they are a narcissist. I decided to leave a ‘narcissism’ book called “In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People” right in the middle of the kitchen. Big mistake, my ex picked up the book and handed it to me, laughed, and said, “Ya right!.”
Cautions:
A word of caution for those who are divorcing, for some people your ex may be difficult not because they are truly narcissistic, but because they are not able to cope with the divorce.
Your ex may just be more self-focused since separation, they now have to figure out life on their own. You are both detaching from each other and for some, this is how they are dealing with it.
If they are on the high end of the spectrum going to marriage therapy won’t work. I tried 2 sessions with my ex, the first session he projected the whole time and in the other, he left halfway. My therapist said in the following sessions that he never wanted to be there to fix the marriage, but he wanted to ‘fix’ you.
All marriages and divorces are unique and every story is different.
You can read part 3 here where I talk about ‘Things you can do if you are divorcing a Narcissist”.
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Kirk and Karen off free Divorce coaching consultation email Karen at Karen@divorceworkshop.ca
