Narcissist -Am I Divorcing one? - Part 3 Things you can do
Part 3 Narcissist - Am I Divorcing one? There are numerous essential factors to consider when divorcing a person who is high on the spectrum of narcissism. The traits of individuals high on the narcissist spectrum can make the divorce process especially challenging, as discussed in part 1 of this series. In part 2, we explored the potential difficulties of divorcing someone with these traits. It takes immense strength, determination, and courage to leave such a difficult person, and as a result, you require a lot of good support and advice to successfully navigate the process.
Support needed :
Ask for help from family and friends you can trust. Talk to them about what you are planning. I talked to my aunts who both would listen and supported me. Be mindful that not everyone is going to believe or support you because they may be naive about the abuse or doubt that your ex is that bad. Remember these characters can be very charming to everyone outside of you.
Get a good therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Work on yourself, your self-esteem, your boundaries, and all the damaging residue that came along with being married to a narcissist such as trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, and anxiety.
.You may want to look for a high-conflict divorce coach: check out our partner Lorraine Larson who is a certified high-conflict divorce coach with years of experience. www.divorceworkshop.ca/theteam.
You may need a lawyer who knows how to handle these types so research and interview lawyers and ask questions if they have experienced this type of personality. I had to fire mine because he just was not able to understand what we were dealing with. CAUTION: Do not use your lawyer to let off steam about the narcissist abuse this is too expensive.
Practical things you can do:
Block them from your social media once you have initiated the divorce. I took my ex off social media and most of his family. The day that I did my ex-mother-in-law and my ex accused me of posting things about my ex on social media, FYI I never posted anything.
Reduce your intake of alcohol and no drugs, get into a routine, and take a good multivitamin. When you are going through a very stressful event such as a divorce you need to look after yourself.
If you are in the planning stages of leaving then start to document everything, save money, stash it, hide it, and take it to trusted friends or family as well as any proof of their abusive behavior. Try to be as prepared as you can be.
Take your wedding ring off, this is not easy to do for some however it starts the identity-detaching process and tells your ex it is over.
Prioritize your sleep, lack of sleep when going through an extremely stressful time can make things more challenging and you may feel more anger and stress.
Protect your finances, make sure you let banks know you are divorcing and that from now on everything has to be jointly signed. Change your will and living will. You may need to investigate and find out about the money situation as much as you can before you leave.
Communication Tips:
Limit the communication with your ex. If you have to live in the same house or co-parent you must be very careful not to get drawn into their anger or drama. They will try to cause you to get upset or angry. This happened to me a few times when we had to live together for a few months, so prepare yourself and do not get dragged into their drama.
If you have no children cut off communications entirely.
All communication needs to be in writing by email and do not put them in the trash you may need them. You can use text but it is harder to document.
Learn the language of written communication such as B.I.F.F. ( brief, informative, friendly, and firm) by Bill Eddy. An example is “ Hello, The children need to be picked up at 5:30 pm after practice instead of 6 pm. Thank you
Grey rock and yellow rock methods, are two well-known techniques that can help you when dealing with the narcissist in person and/or in court. Grey rock is when you act very bored non responsive, and cold so the narcissist cannot feed off you. Yellow rock is when you behave nice but just very shallow surface-like. This is used in court or when having to be in the same proximity as them. An example of yellow rocking is “ Hello, isn’t the weather nice out or “boy Costco was busy today” and do not engage further.
It's crucial to protect your privacy and maintain confidentiality during a divorce or breakup. To prevent your ex from accessing sensitive information, consider getting a new email address they don't know about and use it to communicate with your lawyers, coaches, friends, and other important contacts. Additionally, it's wise to change passwords on your phone or any other device that your ex might be familiar with to ensure that your personal data remains secure.
More Tips:
For some, your body has been in a constant state of stress (fight or flight) and you need to start to get your body to come out of that chronic stress response. Make sure you exercise, practice breathing exercises, try to stay present, try yoga lots of free ones on youtube, and talk to friends and family. It took me quite a while to relax my body after years of what I went through so be gentle with yourself.
The quicker the process of getting the divorce the less opportunity the narc has to abuse you and you can heal faster. You may take a hit with finances but you are out. Caution: That does not work for everyone myself included. An example my ex avoided being served 4x and we had to get a judge to sign off that he could be served by email.
You will have to learn to co-parent with a narcissist which is challenging, so start by limiting your contact and practice parallel parenting.
Remember the court system will not protect you from their manipulation, lying, and cheating ways.
You need to have strong boundaries. I did not have strong boundaries when we separated and I had no idea how essential they are when divorcing a narcissist. They tend to push limits and may use manipulative tactics to control the situation. Narcissists often have a sense of entitlement and may view the divorce as a challenge to their control, leading to lying more, being more aggressive, and demanding. The lies that came out on legal documents about me were unbelievable such as I was homeless and he took me in.
Remember you did not know who you were or are married to. You are a source of supply for them. They did not want the heavy lifting of being a spouse or parent, you are a thing they just needed. You were just there at the right time for them for what they needed to fill their supply.
Work on understanding why you were attracted to this type of personality. I did a lot of deep work on my issues and why I was charmed or preyed upon by these difficult characters. I realized that I had a father that was higher on the spectrum so I was unconsciously attracted to them. I am an agreeable, empathic person and I was just unlucky. Some of you may have come from very secure homes and still got involved with a narcissist this can happen as well.
Grieve that you are/were married to this person. It took me a while to come to the reality of who I was married to and the amount of abuse and time I spent with him.
Stay focused on the facts: Narcissists are notorious for twisting the truth to their advantage. Stick to the facts and avoid getting into emotional debates.
Document everything
The narcissist abuse can continue years after the divorce, just be prepared for this.
Be careful not to overshare your growth with the narcissistic because you are tempted to hoover you or to try to still dominate or they may still want to win and they do not want you happy. This is very true they have a very hard time seeing you happy, doing well, or moving forward take this from me it is the last thing they want to see.
This three-part blog is a heartfelt appeal to anyone who may be contemplating ending a toxic relationship. My aim is to help equip you with knowledge and resources, particularly if you're going through a divorce with a narcissistic partner, or you think you are married to one and want out. This information can potentially save you and your children from incurring significant financial, emotional, and physical turmoil. Although I cannot cover every aspect of going through a divorce and co-parenting with someone high on the narcissistic spectrum, my goal is to raise awareness and provide better preparation for those who may be in similar situations.
Divorce is never easy, but when you're dealing with a narcissistic partner, it can be a living nightmare. I made the mistake of assuming that the court system would protect my children and I, but I was wrong. The courts are often ill-equipped to handle the complex dynamics of narcissistic abuse, and too often, the abusers get away with their behavior. My ex has been able to avoid child support for 4 years and I have heard many similar stories from our readers.
But I don't want to scare you - I want to empower you. I want you to know that you don't have to go through this alone. With the right information and support, you can make it through this challenging time and come out stronger.
I speak from experience when I say that leaving a toxic, abusive relationship is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But it's also a huge relief. And I promise you - you will never regret putting yourself and your children first.
So please, take the time to read the complete series. Click on the following if you missed Part 1 and Part 2. Arm yourself with knowledge and surround yourself with support. You are not alone and you are stronger than you know.
Coming soon is our “6 Steps to a Less Difficult Divorce Workbook”
It is essential to need to know who you are divorcing!
One of the key foundational tools we use in divorce workshops is our New 6 Steps to a Less Difficult Divorce workbook. We have a unique test to help you start to figure out who you are divorcing. We believe that when you start to think and become more aware of who you are divorcing it can help you strategize for your divorce. We also have simple engaging exercises and a lot of great information including things about the narcissist.
If you have comments or want to connect Email Kirk or Karen at karen@divorceworkshop.ca.
