Narcissist - Am I Divorcing one? Part 1
If you are exploring or going through a divorce, a question you need to ask yourself is, ‘Who are you divorcing’? We have an exercise in our New Divorce Workbook coming out in late spring that will help you answer this question. This question is very important because if you think you are divorcing a narcissist your divorce strategy is going to be very different. Research suggests divorce rates are very high for those married to a narcissist and the chance of having a high-conflict divorce goes up by 50%. You need to try your best to figure out who you are divorcing as soon as you can because in my case, I did not know.
There are many different types and degrees of narcissism, and every person is different. For some, it can take a while to be aware that you are/were married to a narcissist. I knew in my marriage that something was off with my ex. He had erratic moods, used manipulation, told lies, was codependent with his mother, mean at times, blaming, financially abusive, neglectful, and a master at projecting everything that went wrong as my fault.
I remember saying to him “You could have three affairs and you would twist it all around to be my fault” and he laughed and said “Yes”.
Looking back at that conversation, it was pretty evident what type of relationship I was in, but I was very naïve and at the time, I did not know what a narcissist was. I tried to leave numerous times and when I did finally get out, my problem didn’t go away, it just changed from living with a narcissist to divorcing one. I had no divorce strategy nor any idea how he would play the divorce game and believe me, narcissists need to play games. What I did not know was when you leave a narcissist their bad behaviors will multiply and it will be tough and very confusing. If I knew who I was divorcing at that time, it would have helped me immensely in the divorce process. I would have been less likely to get caught up in his drama or react to the pathological lies and manipulation that come along with divorcing these characters. I would have approached it with a different set of lenses and not been trusting of the justice system. In my naivete, I still believed that he would in the end be rational and live up to his responsibilities. Of course, I got that completely wrong and his years of bad behavior were a good indication.
Traits of someone high on the narcissist spectrum
This is quite obvious to many, a narcissist’s needs always come first. If this has been the pattern of your relationship with your spouse during your marriage, nothing is going to change during your divorce. Such as they need or deserve to join a good golf course or go to an NBA game, but when it comes to other things for the children and you that stuff does not matter as much.
You, being the spouse, are the single best source of narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is like their oxygen; they need it and you are their greatest source of manipulation, admiration, and attention. When you leave a marriage they experience narcissistic injury, a deep wound of rejection, and that fuels them to come at you with a full-force attack.
Love bombing is another type of behavior that is common with the Narcissist. Love bombing is the showering of gifts and excessive admiration that makes you dependent and obligated to them. However, over time they start to devalue you by being passive-aggressive, lacking empathy, stonewalling, lying, name-calling, playing mind games, gaslighting, and many more. This is the repetitive pattern of love bombing; excessive gifts and admiration followed by devaluation and rejection. One of the toughest is gas lighting. I remember at the end of my marriage I told an Aunt I was going to start recording what he would say because he would always turn it around and say I never said that or it is your fault.
More abuse to look out for is the constant blaming and projection. My example was when his business failed and it was my fault; when he did not make it for breakfast it was my fault because I left the bedroom too quietly; when his dad died it was my fault I did not tell him sooner. I did not know back then how to watch his behaviors and how it was always the same.
Do they have friends or good family relationships? Narcissists generally have poor relationships and when they do, they tend to be rather superficial. My ex did not have any friends and his relationship with his parents was codependent and childlike.
Some people are born with certain temperaments that can lead them to have a more narcissistic personality than other children. So, narcissism is both a little bit nature and a lot of nurturing.
Another place to look is at your ex’s parents. Are they narcissistic? Not all families who have a narcissistic parent produce narcissistic children. However, it is more common that they would. Some signs to watch are that they are/were always selfish, and show no emotions or empathy. They were not able to go deep with their children and the parents focused on the achievements and looks of their children. They lack warmth and are entitled, difficult, challenging, not available, and neglectful. They also did not want their children to have their autonomy and success. My ex-in-laws showed a lot of these traits. Children can develop these narcissistic traits as they have to learn how to adapt and survive in their narcissistic family environment.
A common attribute of covert narcissists is playing the role of victims; it is a form of blame-shifting. Some may tend to play the victim role in cases of trying to prevent you from leaving them—this happened to me a few times. They can be highly sensitive to criticism, even tone of voice—for years I was always confused about being attacked about the tone I used. I
Tip, if you have ever tried to leave your marriage they may have used guilt or threats against you or even said they were going to attempt suicide. Make sure you take this attempt seriously and if needed call emergency response. Narcissists are at their core very insecure people.
I did some training a while back about narcissism and the FOG acronym which stands for "Fear, Obligation, and Guilt is something that the abuser uses. These are their takes to invoke fear into you “You have nowhere to go”, “Look at all I have given you” or “How could you ruin our family?”
Some may have a lack of self-awareness; they may be smart and successful at what they do but are not able to comprehend how badly they treat you. However, that has been and is debatable.
One of the confusing aspects of dealing with such individuals is their inconsistency—they're not always terrible; sometimes they're good to you, oscillating between kindness, being mean, or even cruel. It's like experiencing 'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That is how I felt with my ex, it is like walking on eggshells. So for instance, they might be mean or not regulated one moment but then suddenly show kindness. This inconsistency makes it hard for the victim to predict their behavior, which adds to the confusion and worsens the abuse.
They are not emotionally able to regulate themselves in times of stress or criticism. They can be set off for things that most people would not get upset about.
If you enjoyed reading Part 1 read Part 2 of “Am I Divorcing a Narcissist” This is where I talk about ‘How they may behave in Divorce’, 'Words of Caution’ and ‘Things you can do’ and more tips…
References
Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study Nicholas J. S. Day, Michelle L. Townsend and Brin F. S. GrenyerDay et al. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation (2020) 7:19 https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-020-00132-
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