Forgiving my Ex - Is it Possible?
Going through a divorce or separation inevitably brings forth the intricate challenge of forgiveness. In this context, forgiveness goes beyond a mere gesture of kindness; it involves releasing negative emotions such as anger and resentment towards your former partner and refraining from seeking revenge for past wrongs.
Research underscores that forgiveness holds profound positive effects on both mental and physical health. Beyond contributing to emotional well-being, forgiveness in the context of divorce is associated with post-divorce improvements, increased life satisfaction, and reduced mental health issues. Moreover, extending forgiveness to your ex-spouse can enhance co-parenting dynamics, garner support, and alleviate challenges for your children.
The Complexity of Forgiveness:
The intricacies of forgiveness became evident to Kirk and me as we concluded the recovery unit in our Divorce Workbook We recognize that forgiveness is a nuanced process, varying for each person based on unique coping mechanisms and life experiences. Reflecting on our journeys, we contemplate what it truly means to genuinely forgive our ex-partners and the obstacles that hinder this process.
Our Post-divorce Emotions:
The post-divorce journey extends far beyond legal proceedings, delving into the intricate realm of emotions triggered by the decision to separate. Emotions such as sadness and anger become integral to this mix, compounding the difficulty of rebuilding lives.
Contemplating forgiveness during the initial stages of separation often proves impractical. Our minds naturally adopt a defensive stance; the blame game and thoughts of forgiveness may not register as we grapple with overwhelming emotions. The early phases are characterized by feeling maxed out and consumed, creating a perception that forgiveness is a distant prospect.
Personal experiences often serve as poignant reminders of the emotional turbulence that accompanies divorce. Recalling a moment when I was screaming at my ex just a month after the conclusion of my 19-year marriage vividly highlights the intensity of my anger during this period. There was no way I was ready to forgive this person for the years I had to endure with them. As with many divorcing people early in the separation process, individuals commonly grapple with the profound impact of divorce, clinging to strong emotions and assigning blame. Yet, the hope is that with time, there can be an opportunity for a transformative and natural shift—a move towards acceptance of what happened in the past and the effort to try to move forward for yourself and the children.
Importance of Forgiveness:
Understanding forgiveness dynamics is fundamental to the well-being of all parties involved, especially in the aftermath of a divorce. Gradually extending forgiveness toward your former spouse has the potential to transform you into a more effective and harmonious co-parenting partner.
Forgiveness is a gradual journey, unfolding through distinct phases. Initially, attention is often directed towards immediate crises, such as determining living arrangements and navigating co-parenting plans. As this process evolves, there is an opportunity to delve deeper into the root causes of the divorce, gaining insights that contribute to a clearer understanding of the events that transpired.
The ultimate aim is to free oneself from the hold of the past, allowing for the embrace of a forward-moving life. However, this adaptation and the journey toward rebuilding one's life demand patience, as the healing process unfolds gradually. Importantly, this doesn't necessitate issuing apologies to your ex; forgiveness in this context is a personal journey focused on your internal state and how you aspire to be within yourself.
The Challenge:
A significant stumbling block on the journey to forgiveness is dealing with someone high on the spectrum of narcissism or part of the cluster B family, indicating borderline personality disorder, histrionic, NPD, or antisocial traits. Even without a formal diagnosis, indications of a high-conflict personality can seriously impede the forgiveness process. Traits like excessive blaming, a sense of entitlement, manipulation, and difficulty controlling emotions add further layers of complexity.
This challenge hits close to home for both Kirk and me. Despite the years that have passed since our initial separation, forgiving our high-conflict ex-partners remains an ongoing struggle. Both persistently blame us, Kirk’s ex continues to resort to manipulative behavior and coercion towards their children and my ex has been financially abusive for over 5 years. These persistent challenges make forgiveness more daunting, yet we recognize its importance and acknowledge that we are still trying to figure this out. We have both realized that our exes will probably not change, so the forgiveness we are working toward is more about us releasing and letting go of all the damage they have done. It has not been an easy thing for either of us because, as the research states, it is harder to forgive when the abuse continues for years. One important aspect is to learn self-forgiveness, which is an important part of this journey and I will write a blog about this at a later date.
How to Start to Forgive Your Ex:
One crucial aspect of our journey involves taking accountability for the factors contributing to the breakdown of our marriages. Responsibilities vary among individuals; some may realize they lacked self-love at the time of marriage, placing too much focus on their ex-partner. Others might have been heavily invested in work, neglecting the health of their relationship. External factors, such as family involvement, can also play a role in the dynamics of a marriage. Recognizing and taking responsibility for these aspects is an essential step in the forgiveness journey. We have an exercise in our workbook that deals specifically with this aspect. For many, not all, there is some responsibility that we can now reflect upon and think, "Well, it's not all their fault. I had something to do with this divorce," and it can ease the anger, which can lead to more reflection, ultimately guiding you towards forgiveness.
Releasing negativity is crucial for personal growth and forgiveness. Engage in activities that empower you and align with your goals, such as painting, hiking, gardening, cooking, or playing music. When negative thoughts arise, recognize them, shift them into positive ones, and move forward. It's natural to feel these thoughts, but dwelling on every negative aspect of your past can hinder healing. Instead, focus on things that bring joy, creating a positive life. Constantly revisiting the divorce and its wrongs can stall your progress. In our workbook, we have an exercise called The Garden, encouraging you to think about life beyond divorce.
Embracing Personal Journeys:
We acknowledge that everyone's divorce journey is unique, just like the path to forgiveness. It's important to know that forgiving is possible for your well-being, but it takes time, reflection, and understanding of the person involved. Reflecting on my own experiences, I observed my mother reaching a point in her life where it was evident she had finally let go of the anger she had carried towards my father, a high-conflict personality who caused her considerable pain both before and after the divorce. They never spoke again, yet she was no longer burdened by the heavy weight she had carried for years. It was a gradual process for my mom, and I hope that, with time, you can also let go, as I aspire to do for myself.
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