Worry vs. Curiosity: A Small Shift That Changes Everything During Divorce
I used to think worrying was just part of being a responsible adult. If I wasn’t constantly turning things over in my head, I worried that I was… well, not worrying enough. Looking back, I can admit I was a little neurotic, but at the time, it felt like I was just being prepared, responsible, alert. I would love to say I am not a “worrier” anymore I still am but, I am a work in progress just like many and trying to use curiosity to help.
During my divorce, that inner voice got louder, a constant stream of "what ifs" running through my mind:
What if I can’t survive financially?
What if the kids don’t adjust?
What about my beloved dog and cat?
I have no idea what I’m doing.
This kind of worry is exactly what researchers describe: a mental loop of hypothetical, often negative scenarios that the brain spins in an attempt to feel prepared or safe. But instead of helping, it usually just leaves us exhausted.
I hadn’t heard of curiosity as a way to interrupt worry. And honestly, part of me still struggles with it. Worry feels deeply wired into my brain; it’s what I reach for when I feel overwhelmed or unsure. But here’s what I’ve learned: worry might feel like control, but it’s really fear in disguise.
Worry often masquerades as a way to take charge, to plan, anticipate, and prepare so you won’t be caught off guard. In reality, though, it’s the mind’s attempt to control the uncontrollable: a cycle of “what-ifs” that gives the illusion of action but rarely leads anywhere. Instead of bringing clarity or solving problems, worry keeps us stuck, like sitting in a rocking chair: busy, but not moving forward.
Curiosity, on the other hand, doesn’t try to predict or prevent the future. It simply invites us to explore what’s happening right now and opens a path forward.
Why We Worry During Divorce
Divorce is full of uncertainty. You’re grieving one version of life while trying to build another, often without a clear map. So your brain, trying to keep you safe, starts spinning. You replay conversations. You obsess over what your ex might do. You dive into Google rabbit holes looking for the “right” lawyer, parenting plan, financial move.
Quick note:
Worry lives mostly in your mind, it’s about specific "what if" thoughts and scenarios.
Anxiety is a body-and-mind response, it can include restlessness, a racing heart, a sense of dread, and trouble sleeping.
Worrying can feel like planning.
Anxiety often feels like panic, even if nothing’s happening on the outside.
During divorce, it’s common to experience both. But this post is focused on the kind of mental worry loops that curiosity can gently interrupt.
Because here’s the thing: worry doesn’t get us closer to peace. It just wears us out.
Here’s what worry looked like for me:
Rereading and overanalyzing every letter from my ex’s lawyer, obsessing over what I should have said, or what hidden meaning might be lurking between the lines.
Imagining the worst for my kids, even though our family was already so fractured and unhealthy.
Feeling completely stuck and unable to act. If you want to check out my blog “Facing the Ostrich Syndrome Confronting the Realities of Divorce”
I remember thinking over and over again: I’m in my mid-40s, a woman with two kids. Will I ever find a better and healthy partner? My self-esteem took a huge hit in that marriage, and those thoughts would spiral into fears that I’d be alone forever or attract the wrong person again. It was exhausting and lonely, and the worry felt very real.
So What’s the Alternative? Curiosity.
Stay with me, this isn’t about ignoring reality or “thinking positive.” Curiosity is a small, quiet shift that gets you unstuck. It doesn’t require answers. It just asks better questions.
While this blog focuses on worry, those specific “what if” thoughts tied to divorce, curiosity is also a powerful tool for managing anxiety, which can feel like a more general sense of fear or unease. Dr. Jud Brewer, a leading expert in mindfulness and behavior change, shows how curiosity gently interrupts both worry and anxiety by helping us observe our feelings without getting stuck in them. This shift from “fear-driven looping” to “open exploration” can make all the difference during tough times.
Curiosity doesn’t shout. It whispers:
“What else might be possible?”
“What would happen if I tried something different?”
“What do I need right now?”
It’s not magic, but it opens the door to movement.
My own personal story of being curious started in therapy years ago. I remember sitting with my therapist, upset after the co-facilitator of a grief support group I was helping to run made a disrespectful comment towards me. My therapist said, “Okay, I get that it upset you, but let’s try to look at this person with curiosity instead of anger. Maybe ask why they acted that way, what’s going on for them? or do they have low self esteem or felt threaten? I thought she was nuts. But over the years, I’ve seen how this shift, from reaction to curiosity, can actually help.
Here’s What It Looked Like for Me:
WORRY: “What if staying so long hurt them, even though I was the only one who ever truly showed up?”
CURIOSITY: “What does showing up look like now that we’re out, and how can I keep being their steady place?”
That one question shifted everything. I realized I didn’t and could not undo the past, just keep doing what I’ve always done: love them, listen, and be the one who stays steady.
WORRY: “What if I never find love again?”
CURIOSITY: “What does love mean for me now? Could it look different, and maybe better?”
This helped me notice that some parts of my old life were never right for me. Slowly, I started building something that fit who I was becoming, not who I had to be during the marriage.
WORRY: “What if I can’t handle this?”
CURIOSITY: “What’s one thing I handled this week that I didn’t think I could?”
I was surprised by the answers: I got through a hard conversation. I told a friend the truth. I filed paperwork. These weren’t small, they were proof I was doing the hard things.
A Simple Curiosity Practice
Want to try it? Here’s something I still use when worry takes over:
Write down one worry you’ve had this week. Be honest. The messier, the better.
Ask yourself: What am I really afraid of here?
Is it being alone? Losing control? Failing your kids?Now, turn that fear into a curiosity question:
“What’s one small thing I could do to feel more grounded?”
“I wonder what support I haven’t noticed yet?”
“What might go right this week?
You don’t need a big plan, just one new question. That’s often enough to shift the energy.
Divorce shakes your foundation. Worry is your brain’s attempt to protect you, but it often keeps you stuck. Curiosity offers something different: gentle movement forward. If you’re even reading this and thinking, Could that be true for me?, you’re already practicing it.
Curiosity won’t fix everything. But it might be the thing that helps you take that one next step.
Further Reading:
Psychologists like Dr. Todd Kashdan have studied how curiosity helps us regulate emotions and stay open, even in hard seasons like divorce. His research and books explore how embracing uncertainty with curiosity builds resilience, creativity, and emotional strength.
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