Navigating Divorce: Establishing Effective Boundaries
Divorce is a complex journey, filled with a multitude of emotions and challenges. Among the many hurdles that arise during this process is learning to establish and maintain clear boundaries with your ex. Failing to set boundaries can give rise to various problems such as your personal well-being and personal space, remaining co-dependant on your ex, may complicate the financial situations and it can cause difficulties in co-parenting. By understanding these challenges, we can explore strategies to overcome them and foster a healthier and more empowering divorce journey.
Divorce can be challenging and when it comes to setting boundaries it can catch many individuals including myself off guard because we do not really know how important it really is. I was completely unaware of the importance of establishing boundaries during the divorce process. This left me more vulnerable to unnecessary and uncomfortable situations which filled me up with even more anger if that was even possible. It can be difficult to initiate strict boundaries with your ex after you have shared years with them, so trying to implement these new divorce boundaries and asserting one's own needs may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
My Story
Personally, I experienced the repercussions of my own porous boundaries following my separation from my ex. After the day of separation, nothing really changed, I continued doing what I had always done such as his laundry, cooking his meals, and buying his favorite food and I even organized and packed his sentimental items from our shared life. I have no idea when I reflect back why I did all that and more and even after he left the home he would just casually walk into the house whenever he felt like it. The one day that has stuck out in my mind is a couple of months after the separation when he walked into the house on a Sunday and asked me to go buy chocolates for his mother's birthday and requested that I take our children along to deliver them. He was going to be too busy golfing and would like me to help him out. So, without questioning myself, well l think I did a little, however I did it. Afterward, I got really mad at myself and thought ok this is not my job anymore and I had to start figuring out my boundaries and communication with my ex from here on out. It took me quite a while to establish boundaries and he would push and I would feel awful at times for having them in the first place. This may be a little shocking but not unheard of when you talk to others who experienced divorce because we have never been taught how to navigate a divorce.
Why did I not set boundaries?
Looking back, I realize that I may have been influenced by a combination of factors. Perhaps I was caught in a state of detachment distress and the habit of being in a routine of a married relationship. Or maybe I was holding onto the hope that yes if I am overly nice to him then maybe we will have a "good divorce" and maintain some sort of friendly relationship. There were also those feelings of guilt that would pop up and I would think he is struggling. Additionally, the habits of doing things for him had become deeply ingrained, leading me to continue such behaviors even after separation. Furthermore, my inclination towards people-pleasing and limited boundaries contributed to my predicament. I also did not want conflict and thought well if I continue to give then it will all go smoothly. However, as you may have guessed I really needed to set my divorce boundaries at the very beginning even if it would make me uncomfortable or get him angry and upset.
My examples emphasize the necessity of understanding and implementing boundaries during divorce. They serve as a reminder that boundaries are crucial for protecting our well-being and ensuring a healthier and more empowering process.
Here are how you can start setting divorce boundary tips
Self-reflection: Take the time to introspect and gain a deep understanding of your own needs, values, and priorities. Reflect on what boundaries are important to you and what is not as important. Each of us will have a different set of boundaries that we need to establish.
Assertive communication: Effectively and respectfully communicate your boundaries to your former spouse. Utilize "I" statements to express your needs and expectations clearly.
Seeking support: If you are struggling with boundaries seek out a therapist, divorce coach, and friends and family.
Establishing personal space: What are the physical boundaries you want such as whether are they allowed in your house or not? What about your emotional boundaries do you want to talk to them on the phone or prefer text or emails?
Setting clear expectations in divorce is crucial. This means being specific about what you want in areas like co-parenting and finances, and communicating the consequences if those expectations are not met. By doing this, you can ensure better understanding and alignment between you and your ex-spouse.
Taking care of yourself is essential during a divorce. Make self-care a priority by setting boundaries that help protect your overall well-being. Set aside dedicated time to think about yourself, do things that make you happy, and focus on both your mental and physical health.
Being consistent is really important when it comes to keeping your boundaries intact during and after divorce. It means sticking to the boundaries you've set and making sure you communicate any changes or adjustments to your ex in a clear and direct way. It could make you uncomfortable and they may resist or push back but stay the course and they will eventually get it.
Trying to build your assertiveness skills is key to standing up for yourself during a divorce. You can do this by learning effective ways to communicate and express your needs. Practice speaking up with clarity and confidence, gradually becoming more assertive over time.
Embrace self-compassion. Remember to be kind to yourself during the process of setting boundaries in divorce. I often reflect on the many mistakes I made but I did not really know any better and it can be tough. It's normal to face setbacks or make mistakes along the way.
Try to implement these strategies when you are newly divorced. By establishing and upholding clear boundaries with your ex you safeguard your well-being and promote a healthier divorce process. Remember that setting boundaries is a gradual and evolving process, and it may require ongoing adjustments as you navigate the complexities of divorce.
Coming soon our new The Divorce workbook - A Hands-On - Approach to Everything Divorce we have tests, tips, and workout exercises to help you figure out the boundaries you have and how to start implementing them with your ex. Here is an example of one of our boundaries exercises.
