No Child Support
I have not received any child support or help for extra child expenses for my two daughters in over 4 years. Is this a common problem in North America? It seems so. In Canada, only 59% of single-parent households who were owed child support actually received the full amount they were owed. This means that about 40%, including myself, do not receive the financial support that we are “legally entitled to”. In the United States, it is even worse, where only 44 % of primary parents who are owed child support received the full amount they were due. So 56 % of single-parent households are not receiving any child support. Most of our problems are that our family court systems are set up to be adversarial in nature. This means whoever has the most money wins in courts because they can pay the expensive lawyers to battle and it is almost impossible for most people, especially women.
These numbers do not lie. There is something seriously wrong with our Family court systems. When I finally left my abusive marriage I was so naive to think that the family courts would protect my children. That was a huge mistake on my part and many others who actually go in believing it is going to do what we thought they would do to protect the children. What I have learned over the years is that there is nothing fair here and the only way you get child support is if you spend thousands of dollars or do it yourself, which can be a good idea but is time-consuming, and many mistakes are made. It is very intimidating, and, for some, trauma-inducing. There are numerous news stories of people trying to self-represent in family law because they have poured so much money into this system it has left them broke.
When I first got thrown into the family court system, I remember sitting in the court classroom that is mandated in Ontario that you attend. The courtroom teacher said regarding child support “Enforcement is very powerful” They can do lots of things such as take away their driver's license or garnishee their wages. I thought like the mother beside me who sounded relieved we felt a little better. Until a more experienced mother waved her hand and said “ I have a court order and he is still not paying.” It was then I got a hint of what the family court system is about. I was still naive to believe that our system would put the children first little did I know.
Most states and provinces have enforcement agencies that can help you get your child's support. These agencies can be complicated and confusing for some and it can feel like an uphill battle as some of the agencies are underfunded, the documentation needed can be overwhelming, and I was told it can take months to receive the support. These powerful enforcement agencies involved in most provinces and states need either a court order or an agreement that establishes the obligation to pay child support and it needs to be in writing (check with your province or state). Once a court order or agreement is in place, the parent, generally the mother who is owed child support, can seek enforcement through whichever agency your state or province uses.
Why do we need these types of agencies? There are men (some women) who just stop paying, move away, work less or not at all, hide assets, bully their ex with shark lawyers, and more. In my own case, I have not been able to get a separation agreement so I can send it to the enforcement agency. Yes, I tried to go to court, and the judge did nothing, just said to come back and we will have a settlement conference, so more money to try to get what was supposed to legally get. Remember they state we protect your children? By making a single parent pay thousands of dollars, does that make sense? At times you can feel like you're in a corner and not sure what you can do. And generally, you feel pressured into going back to court either at a settlement conference or filing a motion to get that issue resolved, which can cost thousands of dollars and there is no guarantee that it will all work. Or you try like others to self-represent where women tend to self-represent more often than men and they tend to lose in court more often.
A question that arises in my head is if these divorce enforcements are so powerful then why are the percentage of people not receiving their child support? Well because there are obstacles such as simple non-compliance, the fathers may challenge the decisions and continue to go to court, maybe they have moved out of state or province, and legal delays to enforce as I said it can take months to process and some women may not know how to navigate the system.
The reality is, unfortunately, this financial abuse tends to affect mothers the most. As we see above there is a huge percentage of them not receiving the full amount of child support owed to them by their ex-partner. We are not protecting our children at all and the issue I have is that there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can not get child support from my ex unless I were to spend thousands of dollars or go to court. It is the children who need this support the most but our family law system is so broken.
It has been 4 years of no support my ex has not faced the wrath of their driver's license being taken away or his taxes going to me. No, he is off on a luxury trip this summer he was nice enough to invite them but they have to work so they can go to post-secondary school. It feels like a big lie that no one tells you at the beginning of your divorce journey. Now every story is different and unique and some will have it easier and some harder but awareness of divorce in all aspects is something I want to spread to everyone. This is one of the many reasons I started the Divorce workshop because I have a passion for helping those who are exploring or in the midst of divorce you need to understand what divorce is really about and to be better prepared.
We are losing faith in our family legal system because, despite the fact that it seems fair in theory, it is unfair in practice, which is causing us to lose confidence in it
