I was used as my Parents messenger in their Divorce
As someone who has been through a divorce, I believe it's crucial for those exploring or going through this challenging journey to understand what it feels like to be a child of divorce. Often, children become the forgotten ones amidst the turmoil, stress, and uncertainty of divorce. As a divorced person myself, I have viewed the lens in both sets of eyes. Both are difficult, and I understand how hard it can be to balance being a good parent while navigating the complexities of divorce. However, it is the child that needs to be thought of the most.
My parents separated when I was very young, and my older sister and I saw our father every other weekend, a common parenting arrangement in the 1970s. Unfortunately, their marriage was short-lived, and the divorce was combative and dragged on for years. Custody battles and fights over possessions became a norm, and the tension and anxiety of their divorce affected my sister and me deeply.
I was the Chosen one
One major mistake among many my parents made in co-parenting was choosing me to be the messenger and communication agent between them. At just 7 or 8 years old, I started bearing adult responsibilities as a child. This unexpected role began with simple tasks like passing cheques to my mother or retrieving them from my father. At such a young age, I had no idea what I was doing; I was merely being obedient and doing as I was told. However, it wasn't just the act of being a messenger that troubled me; it was the emotional fallout of witnessing both parents' reactions. I would have to ask my father, who would get frustrated, "Can I have mommy's checks please?" or "Karen, can you please ask your dad for the cheques?" Being their messenger for years caused constant unease, anxiety, and stress.
While it may seem insignificant to parents or others, this experience was incredibly challenging for me as a child. Even today, parents may overlook the impact of involving their children in adult matters, assuming it's easy and convenient. However, as a child, I should never have been burdened with such adult responsibilities. There are consequences if you use your children as your messenger
Here are some of the impacts on children when they are used as messengers:
Emotional Burden: Children may feel anxious, burdened, and stressed when they are tasked with relaying messages between their parents. This responsibility can take an emotional toll on them, it did mine. Every time I had to do the exchanges or bring some paperwork I would get so terribly anxious and have a sick feeling.
Conflicting Loyalties: Children may feel torn between their parents and experience loyalty conflicts when they are asked to convey messages that may be sensitive or create tension between the parents. I felt stuck in the middle
Role Reversal: Being put in a messenger role forces children to take on adult responsibilities at a young age, which can disrupt their normal development and childhood experience. It is not normal for a child to take on these responsibilities so think really carefully about putting your child in the position of an adult.
Ineffective Communication: Using children as messengers can lead to miscommunication or misunderstandings, as they may not fully comprehend or accurately convey the messages between parents. This happened to me a lot I had no idea what they were angry about and if I passed on the wrong message I would get in trouble.
Increased Conflict: Involving children in communication between divorcing parents can escalate conflicts and contribute to a hostile co-parenting environment, making it challenging for parents to cooperate effectively.
Emotional Manipulation: One parent may use the child as a tool to manipulate or control the other parent's emotions or actions, leading to further tension and distress for the child. This happened to my older sister who was alienated from my mom for over a decade.
Long-term Psychological Impact: Such involvement in parental conflicts and communication can have lasting psychological effects on children, potentially affecting their trust in relationships and emotional well-being in adulthood. This is what parents need to understand that there are major consequences if you do not put your children first in your divorce.
Some reflection
Reflecting back on my parents using me as their messenger, I understand that back in the late 1970s and early 1980s, the actual impact of divorce on children was just starting to gain traction. My mother who I had a lot of compassion for tried her best with what she knew. There was no help back then like there is today. Now we have information everyone so there is little excuse to not do co-parenting better. Your children deserve to be shielded from unnecessary burdens and emotional stress that many divorced children years ago had to entail. In today's world, we have various communication tools like email, text, e-transfers, co-parenting apps, the internet, workbooks, books, webinars, divorce coaches, co-parent coaches, and counselors that can facilitate better co-parenting between parents. Divorce is tough for everyone involved, but it is essential for parents to be mindful of the unintended consequences of involving their children in adult issues. This is just one common co-parenting mistake there are plenty more to talk about and I will in future blogs. Remember put your children's well-being before yourself. Do not use your child or children as your messenger or communication liaison person.
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