Finding Holiday Joy after Divorce: Navigating Your First Holidays
The initial Christmas following a divorce can be an incredibly tough and solitary journey. Reflecting on my own experience, I can still recall the deluge of overwhelming anxiety and complex emotions that enveloped me as I anticipated my first Christmas post-separation. Questions swirled in my mind. How would I spend some of the holidays without my children? How would my family respond to my new separated status? Adjusting to this significant change in my holiday dynamics brought forth a multitude of feelings, leaving me with a blend of apprehension and uncertainty.
The Weight of Memories:
The emotional impact of the first Christmas post-divorce can feel similar to grieving a loss, as individuals navigate the absence of familiar family dynamics. Even for those who initiated the divorce, this experience of the holiday season can evoke many emotions. As a thanatologist, I've encountered some similarities in emotional experiences among those navigating a death loss. Divorce doesn't come with an eraser for the memories of past holidays, even those marked by turbulence. I still recall one of our last Christmases together, undeniably rocky. It was during that tumultuous time that I realized I wouldn't be spending the following Christmases with him or his family. Yet, as I reflect on those earlier years with our children, when they were still young and full of wonder, I can't help but remember the abundance of fun and excitement we shared. These memories, both challenging and joyous, linger like ghostly echoes in our minds, making it a complex journey to move forward. Deep down, though, I understood the importance of finding a way to embrace the present while respectfully acknowledging the past
Preparing for the Holidays: Co-Parenting Challenges and Managing Expectations
The holiday season can bring significant anxiety, especially when co-parenting issues create a shift in how celebrations are structured. This can be particularly difficult when it’s your first year adjusting to a new dynamic. Just as planning is essential for those navigating loss, it’s equally vital to plan for potential co-parenting complications. Preparing for when you won’t have your children during the holidays can help reduce stress and anxiety, allowing you to approach the season with a clearer, more balanced mindset.
By anticipating co-parenting challenges and making arrangements well in advance, you can better manage expectations and find ways to cope with the emotional ups and downs of the season. These proactive steps can help you create a holiday experience that feels more manageable and even enjoyable, despite the complexities of shared custody and holiday schedules. You can read my other Holiday blog here, Holiday Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Balancing Front Stage and Backstage Roles
Here are some tips that can help you
Reevaluating Traditions: Start by conducting an inventory of the holiday traditions and rituals that held significance for both you and your former partner. Some of these traditions may be deeply entwined with cherished memories, while others might have become mere habits. It's crucial to make a thoughtful distinction among them. Consider which traditions you genuinely wish to preserve, those you'd like to adapt to your new circumstances, and those that may be best to bid farewell to. I had a client whose ex was never interested in going to Christmas Eve faith services so they never went. When they had their children on Christmas Eve they went to church services.
Choosing New Traditions: I took a proactive step and decided to establish a new tradition. I took my children out, and together, we each chose our unique ornament for the Christmas tree. It was a departure from our traditions and something entirely our own. Creating new holiday traditions after a divorce is beneficial as it allows for a more personalized and positive celebration, provides a sense of control, introduces novelty and excitement, and promotes healing and growth through the building of new joyful memories.
Some ideas: Going to the movies, board game night, going bowling, volunteering for a food bank, each of you have to make your DIY gift exchange, holiday light tour…
Embracing Change: Acknowledge and come to terms with the fact that your holiday season will have a different texture post-divorce. It's perfectly normal for things to evolve and change over time. While the holidays may not resemble what they used to, this transformation doesn't mean they can't hold their unique charm and moments of happiness. It's about finding new ways to appreciate and enjoy the holiday season within your current circumstances.
Seeking Support: Loneliness during the holidays after divorce is a common feeling, but it's essential to remember that you're not alone in experiencing it. Reach out to friends and family for support, and consider seeking guidance from professionals who specialize in divorce and emotional well-being. Surrounding yourself with people who understand and uplift you can make all the difference in navigating this challenging time. One of our ‘workouts’ in our Just Separated called W.L.D. is where you have to write out all your friends, family neighbors, etc and the list helps you figure out who are your Workers, your Listeners, and your Doers.
Balancing Responsibilities & Self-care: The holiday season, especially after divorce, can be a juggling act of co-parenting and personal self-care. It's essential to find a balance between spending quality time with your children and taking moments for self-reflection and relaxation. This balance ensures that you can fully engage with your loved ones during the holidays while also nurturing your well-being.
5 Ways to Stay Present During the Holidays
1. Practice Mindfulness
Take a few deep breaths and focus on the present moment. A quick pause can help you ground yourself and reduce stress.2. Limit Screen Time
Set boundaries on phone use to stay engaged during family moments and activities.3. Use Gratitude
Start or end your day by noting three things you're thankful for to shift your focus to the positive.4. Engage Your Senses
Pay attention to the sights, sounds, smells, and textures around you to fully experience the holiday season.5. Simplify Your Plans
Focus on what truly matters and bring you joy. This will help you stay present and reduce stress.6. You can say NO! Don’t be afraid to say "No" to obligations or activities that cause stress or don’t serve you. This will help you stay present and reduce stress.
Conclusion:
The first Christmas after divorce can be emotionally challenging, as it was for me but it's also an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. By planning, choosing which traditions to carry forward, and embracing change, I learned that it was possible to find joy and meaning in the holiday season once again.
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